Falling in Love, Part II: Finding Love at First Sight | Girls Chase

Falling in Love, Part II: Finding Love at First Sight

Chase Amante

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Chase Amante's picture

This is Part II of a 2-part series on reaching the point where you feel comfortable feeling emotion for women. You can read Part I, on ending your own fear of romance, here.

In this article, we’ll discuss how to experience love at first sight... regularly.

love at first sight

How can you train yourself to spot girls who are perfect for you, feel that connection for them, and then, ideally, act on it?

There are three (3) prerequisites for you to do this:

  1. You must live in a decent-sized city (say, population over 500,000)
  2. You must have experienced love at first sight before
  3. You must be at least a little excited by beautiful women

It might still be (probably is) possible to pull this off if you’re missing one of the requirements, but you’ll face a bit of an uphill battle getting there.

For best results, you’ll want all three.

Comments

anonym's picture

Hi Chase,
I would like to ask you something. I find it difficult really emphatize with someone at first sight, because I have almost no information about the person. If I know something about the person, I know what happen in her life and I can relate to her and understand her feelings. But if I have no information except the first impression, it is mostly guessing and speculation trying to imagine her life and understand her feelings and therefore it is not real empathy. Furthermore, the limited information and impressions I have usually enable more possible interpretations which makes even more difficult to emphatize. In fact it is emphatizing with my idea of her, not with her. So do you have some advice, how to deal with it?

I also have two ideas about article topics.

1. Sexual shame - feeling ashamed for own sexuality and feelings can be one of the biggest obstacles in finding a girlfriend or hook up. There are many articles about how to sexually liberate a woman, but not about how to sexually liberate yourself, f.e. how not to feel ashamed for expression of sexuality (even like feeling that it is something bad to tell to your male friend that you like some girl). Sexual shame can be worse than fear of rejection.

2. How relations of a girl with her father influence her future relationships with men. In some article on GC the author says, that the best girlfriends are real daddy's girls. Can you explain it in more detail?

Thank you very much.

Anonym

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonym-

To large extent, empathy's about reference points - the more of these you collect, with more kinds of women, the easier a time you'll have empathizing with new women you meet. Eventually every girl you meet reminds you of another girl you knew, or dated, or slept with, or were friends with, and you see her and right away you're guessing what she's thinking and feeling.

If you want to speed up the process, you can also use visualization; see these two articles: 

  1. How to Visualize: 5 Steps to Massive Success
  2. She May be a Bitch to You… But She’s a Pussycat for Me

Sexual shame... got it in the topics list.

As for the relationship a girl has with her father, got an article up on it recently (after you posted this)!:

Chase

OtherAnon's picture

Hi Chase,

First things first, wanted to say that this site has opened my eyes. Think it's fitting to say you guys are heroes in your own way by changing people's lives through your articles.

Now, I was wondering if you could elaborate a bit maybe on how to let your walls down. Cause mine are sky high, and I find it really hard to let them down, which is the main reason I still haven't even kissed a girl at age 24.. Thank you!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

OA-

Primarily it's 'fake it till you make it' (so you can collect the reference points you need to reset how you see the world, and thus, how you interact with it), though you can speed it up to some extent through visualization.

For the most part, you won't think your way to lowered walls - you've got to get out and push yourself to interact until you get enough positive feedback that you start relaxing around other people. It's a gradual process, but as you get more comfortable in increasingly varied social situations (and especially around women) those walls drop.

You may find for new situations you are having to forge ahead despite your own emotional resistance, however. Your emotions may be screaming, "No, don't compliment her, she'll bite your head off!" or "Don't call her, she won't want to see you anyway!" or whatever they're saying to dissuade you, but you'll have to do it regardless.

It's the old bravery vs. courage thing. Some guys do well because they don't feel fear and can rush in full of bravado whenever. Other guys feel fear and must overcome it before they are able to achieve victory. In your case, to lower your walls, you'll need to summon the courage to confront them first.

Also, I'd suggest using goals and objectives to get your mind off the situation, somewhat. "Talk to three new girls" or "ask one girl for her phone number" will get you moving, and you'll be surprised how capable you are when you have goals of doing things you'd be hard pressed to without them.

Chase

Max's picture

Chase, I've read an article from you before where you wrote that the feeling of love at first sight is almost always mutal, and I remember at the time finding that really interesting because it definitely does seems to be the case.

I've only skimmed this article so sorry if you have already covered this but could you explain why you think love at first sight is almost always mutal? How is that even possible. I find it quite amazing really.

Also, do you think this same phenonoma translates to times where you don't necessarily feel love at first sight but just a strong attraction? Do you think that strong attraction at first sight is often mutal to a degree also?

Once more, how does one actually define love at first sight vs a very strong general attraction? I've met girls who straight away I loved the way they looked and to a degree felt a nice fuzzy kind of feeling around them - but I wouldn't say I felt absolutely overwhelmed or anything like that.

How do I know if I have felt love at first sight? I really am not sure if I have. I don't really know what I am expected to feel. Just how powerful and overwhelming is it? Or is it really slightly disneyfied and actually all it really is, is a strong general attraction?

Thanks Chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Max-

I can't say for sure why it's usually mutual; I set out some ideas in this article on it.

I suspect emotional contagion plays a part of it, but how much I don't know. The women I get the feeling with are (usually) really good matches for me, which limits how big a role contagion can really play in why the emotion's so accurate. That said, I have had some where I slept with the girl and the emotion went away (but the girl was still going crazy for me).

I'm not sure how you'd differentiate 'strong mutual attraction' from 'love at first sight' - emotions are on a spectrum, so we're really talking degrees. One's going to be 80 out of 100 on the emotion scale for one guy and 90 out of 100 for the next. And different men have somewhat different emotional ranges.

I could tell you what it feels like for me, or what it feels like for various women I've talked about it with, but that's kind of beside the point. If you've seen a girl and felt a strong mutual attraction, whether you deem it 'love', 'infatuation', 'attraction', or what have you, you've had the experience.

Chase

Michael,'s picture

Hey Chase, just wanted to discuss this one paragraph:

"I don’t know what love at first sight is, but it seems to mostly be visual, and it seems to be a visual appreciation of a woman... whether you’re appreciating her looks, her comportment, her flirtatiousness toward you, whatever."

Love at first sight may be only visual, but haven't you ever heard a girl's voice for the first time, and been instantly attracted to her? This happens to me a lot, especially if the girl has a slight accent, or is a native speaker of one of my second languages. And come to think of it, that happens a lot when I see a girl, but what would you say is the difference between "Wow that girl's really sexy" and "I'm in love with this girl"?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Michael-

Yeah, good point - voice is a big one. I can't think of an incident off-hand where I've heard a girl's voice and gotten that 'whoa, I must have her' feeling, but I do appreciate a good voice on a girl and I'm sure it's probably happened to me now and again.

On the other hand, I do love using my own voice to give girls that feeling - if I want a girl to turn around and widen her eyes and pay attention to me, I'll look for an opportunity to speak loudly and seductively near her.

One element of that may be that you're somewhat directing your voice the girl's way when you're doing this... in the cases where you're experiencing love at first sight aurally, could be the girl's directing her voice that way at you. You hear the good voice, register it being directed at you as a clear invitation, and your motor kicks in.

So yeah, I've seen it - directing my voice at girls I think are really cute, and suddenly they're turning around, checking me out, and playing with their hair and trying to catch my eye like crazy... it happens for sure. Same phenomenon as when it's visual.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Please forgive me this once for not reading your article and posting a comment.
I have been super busy, and didn't come by here as frequently. Been off from approaching as much and dating due to other things...
But I will come back and read it once my schedule frees up! (Sounds like a typical flake text but not! I swear! ;))

So, you say for women, we give them 2 values:
1. Good conversation value (deep diving, them feeling better about themselves after, motivated)
2. Good sex
And they'll love coming back.

However, let's say date 1, you deep dive and find out about her dreams and pretty much a lot and you get first date sex! Date 2, date 3, and so on, what else do you have left to deep dive?

On a bigger scale, in long term relationships where we see each other more than a few times, probably for months, us men giving sex value is still there (good or not), but conversational value...after so many times being together and deep diving so much each time, pretty much her dreams, even her cat you already talked about. What can you do to continually offer this value?
Eventually, the neighbour's cat becomes relevant conversation (small talk! and moving backwards! gasp!)

Any experiences on this, bro?
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

If you're not going to sleep with a girl after a date, do not deep dive her too far.

Deep diving brings you to a point of great emotional intimacy. The next step after you've reached that level is physical intimacy. If you don't give it to her quickly, the emotion saps away, and she backward rationalizes that the great emotional connection you had must've been a platonic one and you'd make for an excellent friend.

Exhausting all your best deep diving material on a no-sex date friend zones yourself. Save it for when you're ready to sleep with her that day and just do light or lower level deep diving with more playful stuff on other encounters prior to it.

As for longer term in relationships, that's where your real value comes out. Are you a sufficiently masculine, dominant, ambitious man for what she's looking for? You don't have to be superman, but every woman is looking for a different degree of these qualities, and they show over time in a relationship. If you aren't there yet for a girl, she'll lose interest or lose respect and want out. Where that's the case, you'll either need to up these, or look for less demanding partners.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

nice one chase...keep em coming
a girl told me on a date her one night in nightlife.
her past matters so i pressed on. she asks why do you want to know?
finally she goes i don't want to tell you!
i turned my attention away and kept eating, silence...she reopens and tells me a bit but stops and says nothing??? she asked why i wanted to know again, and i said to see how crazy she is... she says she's not.. i changed topic
i'm not sure if i did ok? she never came out for second date.
what would you have done differently???
or... better, avoided it altogether????

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Don't tell women their past matters unless/until you have strong direct no-bullshit-but-playful game going on. It needs to be said strongly, but with a playfulness about it like you're almost ready to laugh about it but aren't quite. Drexel's good at doing this sort of thing - I'd check him out if you want to be telling women stuff like this regularly.

Otherwise... get better at being smoother. Work your questions naturally into conversation, rather than inserting them in naturally.

Also, check out this article: "Answer Questions Like a Politician." When you're getting 'compromising' questions that are going to make you look/sound insecure to the girl, OR like you are auditing her for the long-term (like asking her about her past usually will), you need to be able to deflect the "why do you want to know" questions or answer them with something that makes the girl feel good instead of bad.

Instead of "because your past matters", which tells her "I'm grilling you, so you'd better let me know you'd be a faithful long-term partner!" (her reaction: "Uh, I don't even know you... you're cute, but, like, well..."), say something like, "I just want to get to know you and what shaped you into the woman you are," which tells her "I find you fascinating and I really want to understand you" (her reaction: *swoon*).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

yo chase, gotta say it dude, like the anon above, keep it coming!

about being a caretaker of emotions for women, and also being a lover, how does that play out?
Nice guy might give a shoulder to cry and make SURE she's not feeling ANY bitsy uncomfortable.
That's the wrong way, but a lover...now that's the question.

A good example is, "I'm nervous for [my exam/interview/whatever]" she exclaims to me over text.
dunno why, my thoughts saying "Don't be nervous" "You can do it!" or "Good luck" just doesn't feel right to me. If it is, though, be sure to give me thumbs up.

Firstly, it's too "tell her what to feel", ain't gonna work.
Secondly, feels too nice guyish. Like cheerleading? And much of it over text is gone
Third, too cliche.
Overall, give it dips on trying but all are too serious too.

Now...that's only a specific example and I can also imagine the same scenario happen in person too.

In general, and that example too, as a lover, what would you do when a girl feels uncomfortable from other events/factors when in person with her or over text when she tells you ? But...ain't too nice guy, also bad boy, but also caretaker. or guidelines yo? thanks chase! ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Maybe think of it like this:

Nice guys give women the emotions women say they need.

The men women find attractive give them the emotions they were only even vaguely aware they needed.

For instance, the girl telling you she’s nervous for her exam, Mr. Platonic says “Don’t be! You’ll do great!” He’s all rah-rah un-fun boring empty platitude cheerleading for her.

When she sends the same message to Mr. Sexy, he texts back, “Tell you what, do a good job on your test, then come over here later with a bottle of wine and we’ll celebrate you kicking its ass”. Not only is it more sincere and without the rah-rah, but she feels much BETTER with this than the platitudes from Mr. Nice Guy because Mr. Sexy is offering her a true infusion of value here.

Mr. Nice Guy’s message is “You can do it, girl! You will prevail! Girl power!”

Mr. Sexy’s message is “Quit stressing out, do a good job, come over here once you’re done with your thing and I’ll give you good emotions and a stiff hard cock.” There’s future projection in there that gets her mind off the test and envisioning this good time later, there’s a carrot (“Do a good job and you get ME”), all kinds of great stuff.

The latter just drips with value, communicates it’s coming from a guy she’d really want to be with, has a clear “us vs. the world” message to it - they’re really in it together - and it strengthens the sexual bond, which is the strongest non-familial bond two people can have. The nice guy way can’t touch this because nice guys are too busy hiding the banana to do it. The sexy guy way always has a hint of “do good on your thing, but you and I know it doesn’t really matter because in the end you’ve got me, and we both KNOW you want ME.”

Chase

Lover's picture

Chase, thank you for your site and articles. They are eye-openers for me. I'm confused by your advice to ask or to command girls. In Tactics Tuesday - Stay unfazed, you recommended to not "ask her" but instead say "Let's go grab a nightcap". In How to command women and also Secrets to getting girls: Path of Least resistance, you noted the same. Likewise in moving girls and conversation example. On the contrary, you noted in 20 tips in texting girls to not text "Let's go grab that coffee we discussed last week". Instead, ask "Wanna go get that?" so you're not imposing and get her buy in. In Getting her phone number every time and other number exchange articles, you noted to make it a question, "What say we...?" "Let's grab some food when we're not working out, sound good?". Mind boggling!

Hope to hear from you. On the side note, how should we phrase requests with friends and buddies? "Let me have a bite or that?" or "Would you mind giving me a piece of that? cheers bud

Lawliet's picture

Good question.

Chase, should we ever add "if you want" at the end of a command?

Saying "Do x if you want" either in person or over text.

Such as "Let's catch up some time. Gimme a text if you up for it" to get a girl to text you and get her out.

Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lover-

It's situational. If you're there in person, you can be much more commanding because you can use your voice tone (like the one in "Tactics Tuesdays: Command Women (and Have Them Listen)"), nonverbals, and other contextual clues to command her without coming across too boorish.

On the other hand, text is a much harsher medium - there's no context. When you send her commands via text, they come across much more harshly than you would had you said them in person... as a result, you'll typically need to be softer / more inclusive.

You can't push women too hard via text, or they can just opt not to respond. In person, you can calibrate much more, and even if you push a little too hard it's recoverable because she's still there and you can adjust on the fly.

Also, the focus of the woman dictates what you do to a certain extent. In person, she's highly focused on you; excited but constantly second guessing herself: "Should I or shouldn't I?" If you give her an option, she'll frequently choose "Okay, no, don't go" as the 'safer' option, or as the choice she has to choose to not look too eager, then kick herself later once it's too late and you two now will not get together.

Over text, the position's reversed: she has all day to answer that text, and she's usually running around with her mind on other things and not on you; if you put pressure on her over text, it isn't relieving in the "Oh thank God he decided for me" way it is in person; instead, it's a "Okay, I've got to do X, and then Y, and then... oh, what's this? A text from Lover? What's he have to say? Oh wait, he's adding another 'must do' task to my list? Okay, that's too much, maybe I'll think about that later..." and you're already in a bad place with her.

You want low pressure over text, moderate to high pressure in person.

Chase

Sub-zero 's picture

Chase, think you could give me some quick advice and make an article about having motivation and not fealing like I do?

As I'm getting older I feel that I faced up and should just make peace with the fact that I should have done this at a younger age. As of late, I am not motivated to pick up girls, I feel discouraged and feel like I can't do it.

Everyone around me is getting married and having kids and what not, I feel it's too late to replicate what I could have done when I was a lot younger, I feel like I am going to be in a mid life crisis because I'm doing this so late.

I've stopped working out too, but I'm more focused on making more money.

Day game discourages me, I feel that I can't do it. I've been trying, but I'm getting tired of trying. I'm almost 30 and feel nothing but regret.

I don't want to feel like this, what can I do to change this and pick up girls!?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sub-Zero-

Man, I started reading your post and was like, “Man, this guy’s got to be, what, in his mid-fifties? It’d be damn horrible to just be starting out at that age. You can do it, but uphill battle.”

Then you got to the “all my friends are getting married” part, and I was like, “Oh, he must be more like early 40s… that’s a little young to be throwing the towel in but I guess his friends are all marrying late.”

And then you said you were “almost 30” and I was like what? Too old? Haha.

How hard are you working on your fundamentals? The older you get, the more important these become. However, even if you’re 28 or 29, you’ve still got a good 6 or 7 years of being able to ride the “well, he’s got potential” bone women throw younger men - enough time to get respectably talented with women 2 or 3 times over.

Unless, are you living in a really small town? And everyone marries young and there are no hot girls? If that’s the case, I can understand the view point; in that event, MOVE. Career’s important, friends and family are important, absolutely, but women are one of those things that will nag and nag at you forever until you get it handled, and if your position isn’t good, I’d suggest spending the 2 to 3 years somewhere else it takes to either get skilled or build a circle that can feed you girls, and then find the girl you want. You can always move back to your small town with her once you’ve got her later on.

One of my best early students was in his early 40s when he started. Thin guy with a little muscle, ran his own small business, easy smile, positive can-do attitude, and a well-developed, resonant voice. He wasn’t an All Star, but he was solid - he kept his head and his fundamentals in solid shape. And he had an easy entry into getting girls because of it… all we had to do was point him at girls, send him in, and he’d walk away with a couple of phone numbers for every 6 or 7 girls he approached, and was sleeping with girls he quite liked pretty quickly.

I know you’re on the boards - have you done the Newbie Assignement? And how many approaches are you doing? Seems like recently when I see guys getting discouraged at cold approach, you talk to them about how often they’re approaching, and they tell you something like 2 or 3 approaches a week. Which, yeah, you know, that’s like saying I’m not getting any better at basketball even though I shoot hoops 25 minutes a week. You gotta do at least a couple of hours to get decent (and way more than that to get legendary, though I assume you’re more interested in “decent” than “legendary”). If you want to see any improvement at all, you should be meeting at least 10 new women every week. Anything less than that and you are treading water wherever you’re currently at. You’ll still meet a girl eventually that way, but it’s going to take a long time and you’re relying almost entirely on happenstance, because you aren’t giving yourself very many opportunities.

My suggestion: do the Newbie Assignment, and start posting field reports (I don’t see a single field report in your post history). Once you start doing that, you’ll begin analyzing your interactions more, you’ll get feedback from other guys, and then you’ll start learning.

Not to mention, you might find you actually start getting excited, sharing your stories and successes, no matter how small at the beginning, with the community. It helps. Often quite a lot.

Chase

Sub-zero 's picture

Have a question that I would really like the answer to.

Say if you're sleeping with different women and you have a girlfriend.

How do you cut off the other girls without hurting their feelings and making them go crazy on you?

How do you handle a situation when you see a girl you recently fucked while you're out with your girl?

Would be some great advice.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sub-

On the former, check out this article: "Let a Girl Down the Right Way."

On the latter, if she knows you're seeing other women, then either ignore them completely in front of her and just give them a smile and wink if you catch them looking at you (but not in her line of sight), or, if they come up to greet you, just give a polite smile and say hi, yeah, and calmly get away. Act like you would if another member of your adoring public came up to fawn over you.

If she doesn't know you're seeing other women... well, you'd better quit taking the women you're seeing to the same places the other women go, or quit meeting women who roll in the same circles. Otherwise, they're going to find out you're seeing other women. Sure, some girls are cool and won't say or do anything; but some girls are spiteful, while others have their eye on the prize (you) and think if they can bump off the girl in first place, that spot will then be up for grabs.

Chase

Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

I'm glad to have caught up with this jewel of yours!
Will try this out today!
But I'm confused by the eye contact concept.

What's the difference between looking luridly vs. looking in a way that lets her "Drink in your gaze" from "How to Check her out openly" article.

The article you linked to under "good eye contact" is "Elite eye contact" article which says to wait for her to look your way first by looking above her (peripheral vision).

If we're checking her out and allowing ourselves to appreciate her beauty or whatever strictures, then that means we need to stare at her directly, no? And the way to defuse that (if she notices) is to look away briefly before looking back at her (How to Check her Out Openly, 2013).

So I'm perplexed.
How does this good eye contact with drinking her in your gaze look like?

Sorry if I'm missing points that you might have already addressed
I'm a gooey clay (aka slow) xP

Thanks bro,
Lawliet

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Lawliet-

The man who's looking luridly (as I'm using the word, meaning a bad kind of lascivious glance) is staring with wide open eyes typically, and either not smiling or smiling in a forced or unnatural way. His body language is often closed or non-dominant. When she looks at him, he either continues staring at her unchanged or he quickly flashes her a big, unappealing grin.

The man who's eyeing her attractively is doing it in a dreamy, romantic way, or a hungry, sexy way, with eyelids half drooped, a subtle, sexy smile playing about his lips, and relaxed, dominant, interested body language. When she looks at him, he smiles at her slowly and sexily.

Yes, usually if she looks at you while you're checking her out, you want to look away first, then look back. However, you can also play the staring game, where you lock eyes with her, smile at her, and see if she smiles back; if she does, you can wave her over, or approach her, or what have you. Higher stakes (because it's higher pressure), and works better with more experienced / sexually confident women. It can blow out less experienced, less confident women.

Chase

Anonymous 's picture

Hey Chase, I remember you said to get better with anything you have to keep putting yourself into it, well when I'm in a confrontation I still sweat really hard and shake a little bit. I keep putting myself in those situations, but it won't stop.

How can I stop this? Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Two factors going into that I can think of.

One is to get fully comfortable, you've normally got to have experienced the successful and unsuccessful outcomes there. If it's a fight, you need to have fought and won, and fought and lost, in similar-enough situations. If you've only ever won, you'll fear defeat, and if you've only ever lost, you'll expect it. In pickup, it helps to have been rejected a bunch of times, and to have had some successes, before the import starts to wane.

The other is to not be so attached to the outcome. You can still have won and lost and yet fear the loss and crave the victory. Once you reach the point where this confrontation is not so important - and this can take focusing, meditation, finding your purpose, having a mission that is bigger than the thing you're engaged in, etc. - you'll get less nervous.

Some things you may not be able to stop fearing if you can't detach yourself from their outcomes (or experience the worst case outcome... like death. You usually can't die and come back, though there are ways to debatably experience this... deep meditation, near death experiences, or some acid trips, perhaps). Those things you will always fear, unless you can move yourself beyond them.

Chase

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