Why Aren't You Arousing the Women You Meet?

Hey Anon,

Thanks much for the kudos, man! We appreciate it and hope you do keep coming back for more. Much appreciated!

On girls cooling off, first things first, this is never the time to make any sort of transition or anything else that requires compliance from her. You want her to be feeling positive emotions when you try to pull her, isolate her, ask for investment or compliance. People who are bored stiff, or in a bad mood, don't want to do these things. Always do these on a high note, perhaps after she just got done laughing at a funny joke you made or she's smiling after you complimented her on how she wears her hair, et cetera.

As to why a girl cools off, and how to handle it, there can be a couple reasons for her doing so, and I attack these situations in two fairly different ways.

If the girl cools off, and I can sense it's because of her value assessment of me (i.e., she thinks I'm lower value), then I'll act bored and even disinterested, aloof. I'll stare off into space, be in my own little world, make bored responses to her attempts at conversation. I do this until either the date goes completely downhill (in that case, it wasn't salvageable anyway), or until she realizes what I'm doing and that maybe her value assessment of me might have been incorrect, and she will then warm back up and start trying to be more engaging. So that's how to save a cool-down due to a value misread.

On the other hand, if I miss an escalation window, and it causes the girl to become cool/aloof, then you have to wait this one out. You're the one who is at fault here, so it's not socially graceful to punish her for it. If the girl cools off because you missed an opportunity that she provided you, then you have to just push through and keep going, but then it is of extra critical importance that you recognize subsequent windows. If you keep missing them, she'll just become more withdrawn. If you miss one, she cools off a bit, but you nail the next one, then this helps turn things around.

Hope it helps!

J.J.

Hey Anon,

I've had similar guys ask me these same type of questions, where the girl wants her man to do submissive type of things such as begging, or letting her use a dildo on him. Stuff like that.

In these situations, I usually tell them to use their best judgment, but I also tell them pretty emphatically that these are things that, I myself, would never let a woman do.

Although, I would more than gladly do it to her. Anything that attempts to reverse the roles of masculine[male] and feminine[female] is not anything I want happening in a relationship I'm in.

Sounds like an attempt to dominate you, to me (just being honest). She's trying to build compliance for some reason, and this could mean she is doing this to get to performing more brazen/dominating sexual acts on you.

If it were me, I'd draw the line at doing things that make you submissive. As a man, you're not supposed to do that. You are correct though, that your uncomfortable reaction is likely what made things awkward. Be firm with her on things like this, yet socially graceful and polite.

Of course she lets you do her anal, and lets you tie her up. She's a submissive female. ;)

My take: don't do it. I'm sure there's plenty of things she'd draw a firm line with you on as well.

All the best,
J.J.

Hey Anon,

The one scenario where I can see this maybe sometimes being okay is if you do not make it a big deal and do it as if you're doing it because you want to do it, and not because you're submitting.

For instance, I love to go down on girls. It's a submissive thing, somewhat, because you're doing something for her that's centered on her receiving pleasure, with you putting in all the work. But, if you genuinely enjoy doing it then there's no harm done. If you put up resistance first, and then do it, then she knows that you are only doing it for her, which is far worse.

If she'd had said to you "I want you to beg for the pussy", and you went along with it immediately and said "That's super hot, I'll definitely do that", and then just did it, as opposed to resisting at first and then finally doing it or at least doing some variation of it, even though it's obvious that you don't want to do it, then that's submitting.

So think of it like this: first scenario, you're doing it because you want to do it, second scenario, you're doing it because she tells you to do it (even though you don't want to).

In that second one, you're really just bending to her will.

As far as rebuilding a dominant frame, I don't think you necessarily need to stop seeing her, but maybe have a short talk with her (don't make it a huge deal), and firmly but POLITELY tell her you don't like that and don't want to and won't do it anymore. Then, just remember in the future that you can just act like you do want to do whatever it is she's asking, then do it, as opposed to rejecting the compliance demand and then breaking down and doing it later after this. Or, you can immediately tell her "No, I'm not doing that". The thing you want to avoid is having her know you are doing something you dislike, just because you think she'll be upset/angry/disappointed if you don't do it.

Hope it makes sense!

All the best,
J.J.