Approaching Women, Pt.1: Pre-Approach Mistakes to Avoid

What you do before approaching a girl can have a large impact on the interaction to come. Set yourself up for a smoother approach by avoiding these mistakes.

Hey, guys. Welcome back. Today, I will cover some fundamentals that we need to recap. After writing all this advanced material, I realized that there is never a bad time to go back to basics. In fact, the very word “fundamental” means something you simply cannot do without.

This post is fit for beginners, as well as more experienced players who need to revise – and trust me, they often do. I revise my fundamentals a lot, especially in periods of bad momentum when I’m not doing too well. At times like that, my fundamentals are the first to take a hit.

As I’ve mentioned in my series on hooking, it is usually opening and hooking game that take the biggest hits on your off nights. Today, I will cover some basic mistakes a lot of men make before approaching women. This is also the phase that guys struggle the most with.

Troubleshooting and fixing the fundamental mistakes that I make are key to getting back on track and wreaking havoc again. Taking some time to revise the fundamentals and creating an even more solid foundation is precisely what makes the difference between success and failure.

This post is about approaching. Those of you who are new to this may ask why I’m focusing on the time before the approach. After all, at that point, you’re not even talking to a woman. But what happens beforehand has an impact on the approach itself. This will make more sense as you read on.

Let’s get on with it.

 

Common Mistakes That Happen Before Approaching Women

I’ll start out with classic pre-approach mistakes. What you do before an approach will dictate its outcome. Women usually get an idea of who you are before you even open. They often see your body language and what you do (or don’t do) before you walk up to them. That’s why this aspect is key.

 

Mistake #1: Scavenger Mode

I have seen newer guys do this a lot, especially if they have a crappy night. Their eyes are everywhere, desperately looking for prey. Instead of going up to a girl, they look for some external validation – for something magical to happen.

Usually, this is due to discomfort caused by the venue. Maybe they find themselves in a new venue in which they are not yet comfortable. Maybe their focus is so inward that they become self-conscious and, therefore, uncomfortable with their surroundings, which causes this state of alertness.

Or maybe a lack of action is boring them – they’re desperate for a girl to entertain them. Whatever the cause may be, it’s a bad idea because it simply makes you look unattractive… extremely unattractive.

Here’s why:

• You don’t look like you’re having fun, just hunting around for attention

• You seem nervous or anxious – not sexy

So stop looking around frantically for “opportunities”. Instead, either:

• Relax and have fun dancing with your friends; or

• Approach instead of looking to approach.

If you’re looking for good opportunities, know that they will usually come. Some nights, I get more than others, but usually you will be presented with some great opportunities, such as a girl standing next to you, hovering, or giving you eye contact.

However, this will not happen if you scare women away by looking around like a frenzied scavenger. Also, being ready to approach and in the right state of mind when the opportunity arises is probably more important than anxiously assessing your options.

Be aware – I have even written a post about awareness – but don’t mix awareness with desperately looking around for stuff to happen. Instead, go up to girls or have fun with your friends (or alone) and occasionally make a quick scan of your surroundings. That’s how you do it.

 

Mistake #2: Waiting Before Approaching

Okay, so this rule can, in fact, be broken many times. There are many strategies you can apply for a smooth opening, such as hovering, positioning, and so on. But unless you know how to do it, don’t do it. It is as simple as that.

The good old “three-second rule” (don’t wait more than three seconds before opening) is meant primarily to get guys out there walking up to girls.

Legs engaging in 3... 2... 1...

The more you wait, the harder it becomes for you to make a move.

You start making up excuses:

• “I should wait.”
• “Should I do it?”
• “Am I her type?”
• “She’s probably a bitch.”
• “Too many friends around.”
• “I don’t know what to say.”

And so on. The more you wait, the worse it gets. If you struggle with approach anxiety, this rule is a good one. Now, I am an advocate of strategic approaching – i.e., not just running into it, positioning myself correctly, waiting for the right time, trying to trigger an approach invitation, and selecting the right groups. This is a viable approach, but only if:

• You know the whole process
• You don’t struggle with approach anxiety
• You’re warmed up and able to approach on command
• You have decent state and momentum – i.e., your vibe is cool

If you aren’t warmed up, you shouldn’t try this type of approach. You should just stick to the three-second rule. If my mood is off, I will stick to it, too. I’ll approach the hardest group I come across. Preferably, there will be few or no women in that group that are really my type.

If you struggle with approach anxiety, approach right away. Easier said than done, but you’ve got to jump into the cold water to get the ball rolling. If you aren’t warmed up or in state, approach right away. Once I do that, all the easier groups of two and three become so much easier.

There is also another aspect that comes into play. Unless you are socially proofed or have a great vibe that just sucks women in, then you should drop the whole hovering strategy and just approach. The fact is you cannot build up social proof without approaching – duh!

Your vibe will likely be better once you’re warmed up, having approached a few women and built up momentum. Some nights, you’ll have a killer vibe; some nights, you won’t. It’s tricky controlling your mental state. Sure, you can do a few things to better it, but you cannot fully control it. However, building up momentum through approaching is one way to do it.

If your vibe is crap and you aren’t socially proofed, standing there alone for ages will simply make you look boring and weird. If you wait too long, people in your periphery will notice, and it may make it more difficult to approach, because they have a poor perception of you.

 

Mistake #3: Seeming Too Nervous

If you look overly nervous, approaching women becomes harder because exhibiting nervousness makes you less attractive. Ironically, the best way to remove that early-game nervousness is to jump into the cold water and approach – which is harder because you are nervous. What a paradox, right?

We’ve already touched on this. Be willing to make a bad approach on a group or girl you do not care too much for. This should get you going. Still too nervous? Okay, that can happen.

If that’s the case, do the “baby-step approach”. By this, we’re talking about taking small steps. Talk with some dudes, chat with a girl you already know, say hi to the bartender. Next, try to hold eye contact with a girl. Then perhaps approach a less-attractive woman or one who seems super friendly. For each small success, step it up. Before you know it, you’ll start doing full-blown approaches.

Still too nervous? Okay, then you have probably neglected your preparations before going out. Most guys do. Many don’t see the value of it, but it is key.

For a better night, get your head right.

Being prepared makes a huge difference. You subconsciously ready yourself to go out – i.e., program your head to think “I am going out to meet girls.” It’s all about getting your head in the right space. Clean your flat and make sure it’s equipped for sex. Check if you have booze, condoms, and toilet paper.

Additionally, you can help ease your nervousness by meditating, listening to music, and fixing yourself up properly.

Don’t skip the preparation. I have written numerous posts about this exact subject.

 

Mistake #4: Staring and Being a Wallflower

You know those guys with a beer in their hands, standing on the periphery of the dancefloor, usually next to a wall. Well, those guys will not get laid. Period. It is a death trap. Just don’t do it. Ever. Instead, get yourself onto the dancefloor and have fun.

Don’t like dance floors? Then get out and go somewhere else like the smoking area, but don’t be a wallflower. Don’t be like all those other half-drunk guys just standing there on the sidelines, observing girls dancing. It is such a bad frame. It communicates a lack of confidence and spirit.

Besides, it takes more skill to look good being a wallflower than it does to bust a move.

 

Mistake #5: Failing to Hold Eye Contact

When a girl is looking at you, you must return strong eye contact, and maintain it. If you don’t – or worse, if you make eye contact then look downward – you communicate:

• Nerves
• Submissiveness
• Low confidence

It’s just very anti-seductive. Don’t do it. Always maintain eye contact whenever a girl is looking at you.

But how do you do it right, without seeming creepy? Well, we have written numerous posts on eye contact already here at Girls Chase. You may want to check them out. Long story short, failing to look women in the eyes is unsexy. Additionally, you miss all the goodies that come with eye contact, which is a powerful tool that you have at your disposal.

Do it wrong and you are a creep, especially if you stare them down too long. So, what do you do?

Once she looks at you, reciprocate eye contact. At some point, she will look away. When she does, slowly look away, but never look down. Look to the side and make the transition... slowly.

Never look away first. This communicates submissiveness. Not sexy. After she looks away (or better, she looks down – that means she really likes you), slowly look to the side.

And after sharing eye contact with a woman, you should consider approaching right away. Wait, and you may risk falling into that creep category. The exception applies if you are busy, like if you’re talking with somebody else, in which case, you should finish your conversation before moving in.

That’s it for today. Let’s recap.

 

Recap

The phase before approaching is a big part of good game. The process of seduction starts long before you even approach. What you do before approaching women often counts equally as much as what you do when not interacting with women. Therefore, we covered some key mistakes that men make in this post.

Here’s what we covered:

• Don’t desperately look around for opportunities
• Don’t wait before approaching
• Avoid seeming too nervous
• Don’t be a wallflower or stare at women
• Hold eye contact

Next week, we will cover more about the fundamentals during the approach.

Questions and comment are welcome.

Alek