I just read a fascinating article today that brings scientific research to bear on the topic of an old post I made that went on to be featured on some popular dating and seduction websites. The content still resonates and is still relevant today, and so I've reposted again here for you to see and read -- hope you enjoy.
19 December 2007
Every man who is good with women gets these areas handled: physical expression and communication (eye contact, body language, and voice); leadership and assertiveness in pursuing what he wants; and social calibration. The better a man gets at these areas, the better he will be received by others and the better his luck with women will become. These make up the bedrock upon which everything else, from the way he touches women to how he screens for qualities he likes to how he gets them to put in work and earn him, is built upon. This post is about achieving the pinnacle of social calibration.
What ultimate social calibration boils down to is a desire to build others up around yourself, and the lack of a social “agenda”. Men and women who are considered “weird” or “creepy” or just “off” are thought of as such because they are people who are socially uncalibrated. If a woman says a man is “creepy” it’s not because he’s a homicidal maniac (usually), but rather because he doesn’t know the proper way to behave in social situations. He is awkward, a little strange, and doesn’t “get it”.
Most folks tend to vie for rank in the social hierarchy. This is where one finds all manner of unpleasant behaviors: cutting others down, pointing out mistakes they make, delivering hurtful remarks veiled as humor, backstabbing, disloyalty, throwing people under the bus, social ladder climbing, etc. You will even find people near the top of the hierarchy, like some very beautiful women and some very successful men, who engage in advanced forms of this kind of behavior – theirs is more subtle, but present nonetheless. They use things like backhanded compliments and stories that take indirect shots at individuals similar to others in the group they want to attack, in order to lower the value of others and position themselves in the role of validater. As you look lower on the social ladder, unpleasant behavior becomes more blatant and awkward; the higher you go on that ladder, the more subtle and devious it is.
Until you reach the top. When you reach the top of the social hierarchy, you will see an interesting phenomenon. There you find people who break all the rules that everyone beneath them follows: they don’t cut others down, they build them up; they don’t have a hidden agenda of ladder climbing – they don’t need a ladder. They are inclusive and accepting and non-judgmental. There aren’t a whole lot of people like this, but the ones who are stand out like oases in the desert.
These are the people you meet who engage others with ease; the ones whom others trust and open up to because they know they can. They move through society with seemingly little effort, while everyone else fights for scraps. Not all people like this bother to maintain huge social circles – some of them have only a few close friends and a moderate circle of acquaintances. Nevertheless, whenever they do choose to mingle with others, they come in with instant high value, and everybody knows it.
It is so ultra important to be truly socially calibrated. It speaks volumes about you. Men who are socially calibrated are men with whom women feel most comfortable, because they are men who know how to navigate the social arena, make friends and allies, and get the things they want and need out of life. Social calibration is alluring to women, and the more calibrated and agenda-free you become, the more magnetic you will be.
Look at these differences between the behaviors of someone who is socially uncalibrated versus someone who is socially aware and comfortable:
Someone who is uncalibrated may:
- Talk about negative topics frequently and in inappropriate situations
- Try to tie unrelated jokes or humor into the conversation
- Belittle others or try to make them look bad
- Butt into others’ conversations
- Not know when to leave
- Try to force rapport
- Brag or showboat
Meanwhile, someone who is socially calibrated will:
- Build up others
- Ignore minor faux pas
- Keep conversations upbeat
- Allow conversation to progress naturally
- Enter and exit gracefully from conversation
- Use humor that stems from the conversation
You can FEEL the difference between those two lists. They are very, very different. The first list is of needy traits – they are the traits of someone who seeks attention, reactions, and validation. That person is trying to raise his value relative to others by removing value from them – but everyone understands what he is doing subconsciously, and his value suffers the most in the end. The second list is of value-giving traits – the traits of someone who seeks to enhance the value of those around him. Others flock to be around people who provide value. That second list is where you want to be.
If you behave as someone who is high value, and you give value to those around you, you will be treated as a high value person. Value-giving behavior is a trait of very high value people, and it’s instantly recognizable. There are a few exceptions, such as those who give too much value to others who don’t deserve it, but even in those instances the individual laying on all the value goes overboard because he or she is trying / hoping to get something from others – and this is something that most people are unconsciously aware of, too. If you give value without seeking anything in return… if you give value for the sake of giving value and improving the lot of those around you… you will be seen as high value.
It takes some time and effort to change your behavior, especially if you have been trapped in the “ladder climbing” mentality for a while, vying to establish yourself as higher value than others. It’s the same as correcting your body language though – focus on it for a while, get it handled, and spend the rest of your life reaping the benefits. The rewards are immense: people will be comfortable around you, and they won’t feel threatened by you or feel a need to combat you – they know you aren’t going to take them out or cut them down. They’ll go out of their way to help you. And that’s a wonderful thing.
Chase Amante
For a little more in-depth analysis and a how-to on recognizing social calibration errors and moving into "elite" social territory, check out Faux Pas of the Sociaux Noveaux and Better Than Jerk.
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