Every man who isn't it yet wants to know how to be a confident man.
Men build lives around confidence. They want to find it, get it, hold onto it.
They want to be around people who already have it. They want others to recognize them as in possession of it themselves.
There are different kinds of confidence. There are:
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Men who are confident they can excel at school/work
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Men who are confident they can win fist fights
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Men who are confident they can sing a song well
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Men who are confident in how they walk, talk, or dress
Each kind of confidence is a different confidence. Each is good. Having one does not mean you have the rest. If you're confident you can win a spelling bee that does not mean you are also confident you can survive being stranded in the desert. These are two different kinds of confidence.
One kind of confidence stems from a key belief every man successful with women holds.
Women call this belief 'confidence', and refer to men who have it as 'confident men'.
Yet at its heart it is a belief. One key belief.
The belief underlies a man's actions with women. You can see it in his reactions to what women say and do. The belief emanates from him when he discusses women. It drives all his decisions regarding them.
No man enters the world with this belief. And you can't so much teach it as progress toward it.
As with any belief, it is acquired gradually, with experience. Sometimes that experience is conscious; sometimes not.
Once a man has this belief, it is tremendously helpful in a great many regards. It gives him wings with women; it allows him to achieve things men who lack the belief (confidence) cannot. It makes him a mystery to other men around him: they see him pull off things with women they cannot understand. Women behave in ways around him others think women don't or shouldn't behave. The belief-holding man violates everything other people think they know about how women interact with people and men.
Different men have different degrees of this key underlying belief. Highly confident men have it a lot; lesser confident men have it a bit. Whether a man claims to hold the belief or not is not the key to his confidence. It is what the man believes, deep down, in that core place inside himself, that determines how the belief manifests itself outside, actively, as a confident man in the world with real women.
If a man has this true confidence, from this one key belief, you can see it. Women can see it too -- and women respond to it.
What the One Key Belief Is
When you ask a woman about the One Key Belief, she calls it 'confidence'.
I've never liked this term for it because 'confidence' is broad, while what women refer to is narrower.
If a man is confident he will be a notable disc jockey someday or will rise to the top of the pharmaceuticals industry, that doesn't by default make him attractive. Everyone has met the jittery, wiry guy confident of his future success who nevertheless remains unlikeable. Not all confidence is the attraction-boosting sort.
What women talk about when they claim to like confident men is domain-specific confidence. What a woman is saying is "I like men who are confident they can get me."
We know women like men whom other women (especially attractive women) like. We've talked about this on Girls Chase before in a variety of articles:
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How Preselection Works to Get You Girls: an overall look at 'preselection', where women desire men they notice are desired by other women.
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Girls, Social Proof, Herding, and Copycat Hookups: a look at the scientific research on preselection. When a girl sees you are liked by other girls, it has a huge effect on her interest in you.
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Social Proof in Nightclubs: Jumps, Momentum, and Girl Circles: how to use the interest of one woman to meet another woman in a nightlife venue.
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Preselection: The Deadliest Style of Game: more on practical uses of preselection to meet desirable women.
And we know women like men who view them in a sort of dominant, vaguely paternal way. It is not politically correct to say it, and there are many women (and men) you should not say it to in polite conversation. But it is true:
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Women Love Sexist Men: science finds women most attracted to 'benevolent sexists' -- men who behave with power and authority toward women, in warm, paternal ways.
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How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?: in an article about looks, we discover science says a man's physical dominance is just as important. Women desire men they believe can dominate them in a physical way.
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Girls: Silly and Cute: the penultimate 'benevolent sexist' belief. Think this way and you are one step away from the belief we'll discuss today (or, you're already there).
These and the other signs of what women call 'confidence' are all branches off the same one trunk.
That trunk is the trunk of the belief tree a man holds. The one that informs and colors his opinions on women and his actions toward them.
The trunk -- that one belief that makes a man confident with women -- is this belief: "I can get her to think, feel, and do anything that I want."
You know she will feel what you intend her to feel.
And how that belief tree is planted, where it rests its roots, and how you nurture it from sapling to towering oak all matters greatly.
Any Man Can Be a Confident Man
It's important to note there are many kinds of confident men.
There are manly men who eat red meat and drive trucks and act like assholes who are confident with women and whom women love.
There are talkative men who subscribe to politically correct politics and behave in feminine ways who are confident with women and whom women love.
There are men who are minorities usually viewed as unsexy in their areas who break expectations, handle their fundamentals, and become confident men with women whom women love.
A confident man can be a fit, wealthy, Yale-educated New York City surgeon or a penniless, formerly obese man who lives out of a station wagon parked in Wal-Mart parking lots -- I have known men from both backgrounds who were confident with women and slept with and dated very attractive girls.
There is no singular set of personality characteristics, political orientations, physical traits, or lifestyles a man must hold to be a confident man.
The only one thing he must have is that singular belief:
"I can get her to think, feel, and do anything I want."
The Tone of the Belief
The confident man who believes this -- really believes it -- holds this belief in a certain way.
He holds it in the same way any truly confident man holds his underlying confident belief in anything.
He does not try to convince himself of the belief. It is not "I hope I can..." or "I think I can..."
He does not feel entitled to the outcome of the belief. It is not "She should do X when I do Y..."
He does not fear the invalidation of the belief. It is not "If she doesn't X, I'll lose my belief..."
His belief is matter-of-fact. He knows he can get her to think, feel, and do anything he wants.
The only emotion is "Here is what I want this girl to feel."
The belief is realistic, not unrealistic. The man who holds it knows not every woman will do everything he wants right away. Some women will be more receptive to him than others. Some are open to him the moment he speaks to them. Some need more convincing before they see or do things his way. Some are tough to crack.
He knows he will not get every woman. Some women he won't have the time or the opportunity with to break through to.
But what he does know is if you give him enough time with a woman, he can figure her out. She will 'crack'. She will start to relate to him, to be intrigued by him, and to feel attracted to him.
Eventually -- sometimes sooner, sometimes later -- he will get her to do the things he wants.
It might be easy. It might be hard. It might happen quick or it might take some time. It depends on the girl.
However, in the end, he knows (matter of factly) she will think, feel, and do what he wishes.
This is the tone of the belief. This is the underlying belief every confident man has.
How to Be a Confident Man
The sapling of confidence is an uncertain, early belief. With time and nurturing, this belief matures from tender, vulnerable sapling into mighty, thick oak. It blossoms from uncertain to certain.
The roots of the confidence tree require water and soil. The soil for confidence is success. The water is direction.
Repeatedly on this website, I've discussed how confidence is a byproduct of success. Until you experience success, any confidence is 'false confidence' or 'beginner's confidence'. It is "I think I can" rather than "I know I can."
There's nothing wrong with beginner's confidence. You need a little faith -- or at least stubbornness -- when you attempt anything new. You are worst when new, and you fail most when new.
You do not get points with women for being a beginner, unless you are both preteens. By the time you are in your late teens or early twenties, women expect experience. The reality is many men at this point still are not experienced. Many men into their late twenties or thirties or beyond are not experienced... men who've had only a handful of relationships (or none at all). Women's expectations (and your competition from other men with more of a head start than you) makes it harder when you start out later; lack of successful experience means you have a 'confidence gap' compared to the other men a given woman meets.
But that's okay; you can make that gap up. You can plow the soil you'll set the roots of your belief sapling into. I did it late; tens of thousands of readers of this website over the years (we're over 10 years old and get a million visitors a month) have done it. Your advantage is that few men approach dating as a skill set. Few men actively work to rack up one successful experience after another. If you approach it with a little dedication, you can catch up to your peers with a little time. Then, once you've caught them, if you keep going, you will surpass them.
We have some excellent articles on Girls Chase about how to find this soil to root yourself in. Here are a few worth starting with:
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Want Dates? Then Approach Girls: you must talk to women to begin to build experiences with them (see also: "Take More Action").
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How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need: an introduction to how dating works in the modern world (also see "Move Faster").
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Going Out to Meet Women Even When You Don't Want To: you won't always be motivated to date. But if you want to accumulate successful experiences, strive to do so even when you aren't in the mood.
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How to Get Started When You're Socially Hopeless: if you're far behind socially, this is what you need to get your bearings.
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How Naturals Meet Girls and Get Laid: a way to meet women as you go about your day-to-day life.
That -- taking action and gathering up successes and positive experiences -- is the soil confidence roots itself in.
As you attempt, sometimes you will succeed. As you succeed more, your confidence becomes more and more real.
Soil is the first part. You also need water. The water you must nurture belief in is direction.
A tree without enough water becomes stunted. It can't make use of good soil, and it withers. I have friends who have enjoyed lots of success with women yet who routinely lose their confidence and enter deep funks. When they are in these funks, their confidence with women disappears. Some of this is mood... but much of it is direction. You must direct your belief to keep the belief tree from shriveling up.
The direction you need is to remind yourself that the goal is to get to this place:
"I can get her to think, feel, and do anything I want."
The goal is not to convince yourself you are already there. If you try to do that, you will lie to yourself: "Yes, I think I'm there!" "I am already there! I know I am!" Then when failure hits, it will expose the lie ("I could not get her to think, feel, and do what I wanted") and you will slip into a funk.
The goal is to get there. To observe your performance with women with dispassion, and tweak things to move toward the realization of the belief:
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If you talk to a woman, and she is very affected the way you wanted to affect her, you say to yourself "I am getting good at this. She thought/felt/did what I wanted!"
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If you talk to a woman, and she is slightly affected the way you wanted to affect her, you say "I could stand to improve. She was only somewhat swayed to think/feel/do what I wanted."
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If you talk to a woman, and she is unaffected by you, you say "That didn't work. She did not think/feel/do what I wanted. I need to change something in my approach or presentation to have a better effect."
This 'water' -- a directional focus on realizing the success that will enforce the belief -- keeps you on target. It lets you think about improvement with women in a practical, dispassionate way. It guards you against discouragement when things don't go your way: if she does not respond how you wanted her to respond, you don't give up with "Girls don't like me" or "I can't get girls", you iterate, with "Okay, I still need adjustments."
Even as an experienced, successful, confident man, you must maintain this water and soil. You must seek out successes to root your belief tree in. And you must water the tree with direction to keep it from withering. It is easy to slip into ego if you let go of direction; from "I can get her to think, feel, and do anything I want because I work on that" to "I can get her to think, feel, and do anything I want because I am just that good." The former can handle setbacks without withering; the latter leads to funks and depressions when things do not go your way.
Keep your focus on building successes (even small ones), and giving yourself clear, dispassionate direction, and your tree of belief will grow into an oak.
And you will be confident.
On the Notion of 'Perfect Confidence'
Before we end, let's talk about 'perfect confidence'.
Because when you lack confidence, it may seem like the men who have it have it absolutely.
Most pop culture thinking on confidence rests on the 'perfect confidence' trope. Romantic comedies make frequent use of it: there is the man who is unshakably confident with women, until he meets the woman he cannot get to think, feel, or do anything he wants. At that point, his confidence shatters and he enters a deep, confused funk. In the end, he drops his smug bachelor charm that worked so well before, and becomes a sincere, genuine guy who finally gets the girl.
There are men who go through this process. However, the men this happens to usually are highly emotional men, who do not "water the tree" of their beliefs. And the women who do this to those men are not the wholesome, down-to-Earth, charm-resistant girls of romantic comedies but experienced, savvy women who know which man-buttons to push. Most men with real confidence will never go through this scenario.
Instead, real confidence is imperfect. The confident man knows there are women he will not be able to affect how he'd like. It is always a question of time and access:
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Some women are into him instantly, and the time he has with them and access he has to them matter little on his impact on them
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Some women are somewhat into him, but he needs a little more time with and access to them to blossom that into something
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Some women are not into him at first, and he needs more time and access to them to have the effect on them he wants
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Some women are all but closed to him, and he needs a great deal of time and access to them to affect them
He is not shaken when he meets a woman he cannot affect. He knows there are women like that -- he does not gather the experience he needs to gather to get real confidence without meeting plenty of women who do not respond to him (at least not right away).
Likewise, he does not expect that every woman will immediately be interested in him. Or even that he can get every woman if he just has two hours with her, or four hours with her. Some women are harder to crack... some are much harder to crack.
The confident man does not have 'perfect confidence'. He has realistic confidence.
Practical confidence. The kind of confidence that generates real world results.
Confidence fluctuates up and down, too. Even a man with legendary success can get into unconfident streaks. We see it with great athletes. It happens with all men and all types of confidence. With good soil (successes) and water (direction), you can keep the tree of confidence healthy. But sometimes the soil grows poor (if you suffer a string of setbacks) or you forget to water the tree (if you lose sight of your direction).
There is no 'perfect confidence'. Men more confident than you do not feel certain they can this or that specific girl; that kind of confidence is boldness, brass, arrogance -- which can also be attractive, but is different from real confidence.
Real confidence is the belief "I can get her to think, feel, and do anything I want"... backed up by the understanding that for some girls you can make this happen fast, for others you can't, and for many it won't be worth it to you or practical to put the energy into trying.
However, you know you can do it -- because you have the successful experience to back it up, and the direction to keep yourself on track and dispassionate about it despite the ups and downs all things have.
And if you don't know it yet, practice breeds success. Continue to go out, talk to girls, ask women out on dates, until you get successes. And continue to keep yourself directed: if she does not yet think, feel, or do what you want, you have not failed; you only need to make some tweaks.
Chase Amante
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