I had a guy message me with some concerns that he may not be good enough for girls.
It was hard for him to motivate himself to approach women, he said, because he just did not see why anyone would value him or want to talk to him.
What most people would probably focus on is trying to buoy the confidence of a man in his position. “Think about your good qualities!” “Focus on the bright side!” “There’s surely a girl who will like you for you!”
What I advised him on was, instead, one of the Secrets to Getting Girls:
To switch his mentality from an inward focus to an outward one.
Successful Romantics Focus Outward
To charm a woman, to bewitch her, to pull her into your world, there is one thing you absolutely cannot be: inward-looking; in your head; inner-focused; navel-gazing.
Seduction is an outward focused activity. It revolves around one’s focus upon other people. So long as a man stays focused on himself, he cannot seduce.
There is nothing in a man’s nature that forces him to be inward-looking. I was the King of the Navel-Gazers for the first few decades of my life; until I switched my focus. Any man can.
How do you charm a woman? You do so by:
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Conveying genuine interest in her
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Picking and probing her in conversation to learn more
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Drawing out the interesting aspects about her
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Expressing sincere appreciation for her better qualities
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Qualifying her on the things you learn that you enjoy
None of these can you do when you are trapped inside your head!
Think fast: who’s the most interesting man in the world to a woman?
He is NOT:
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The man who travels the world and explores faraway places
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The man who drives expensive cars and throws yacht parties
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The man who name-drops the celebrities he’s friends with
Each one of those men CAN BE obscenely boring to women.
“But if a man like that’s not interesting, who possibly can be?” I hear you say.,
This man:
The man who gets a woman to open up.
To her, THAT is the most interesting man in the world.
That’s because, to each and every one of us, the most interesting topic is ourselves… and the most interesting person is the one who lets us talk about ourselves, and understands us, and approves.
You cannot do this when you are focused inward, on yourself.
You can only do it when you are focused outward, on her.
Seduction Is Not About ‘You’ at All
One of the biggest mindset shifts between a neophyte and a skilled seducer is that the seduction has very little to do with the man himself, and very much to do with the experience he creates for a woman.
She is looking for something: a certain stimulus, a certain moment, a certain kind of experience.
When she receives it, she will fall for the man who gives it to her, go to bed with him, and enter a relationship with him if he so wishes.
This is seduction. Seduction is NOT ‘show up and let a woman pick you’. Seduction is ‘uncover what she wants and use that to lead her to intimacy’.
Most men try to make romance all about themselves, about trying to get women to ‘pick’ them. “Pick me, pick me!” men seem to say. “Look at me – I’m interesting!” “I lead a cool life!” “I’d be devoted to you!” “I’d rock your world!”
When a woman isn’t interested, such men take the rejection as personal, feeling that they have put their wares on display and been passed by for another seller. They become angry, bitter, sad, and depressed.
But seduction is not about ‘being picked’. It is about ‘drawing in’. About connecting, charming, and leading. That is what it is TO SEDUCE.
The seducer knows seduction is not about him.
It does not matter what he has to offer, aside from the experience he creates.
It does not matter whom he is.
In fact, she does not even need to know his name.
All that matters is whether he is capable of creating an EXPERIENCE for her – or not.
Outward-Focused Men Are Charmers
It is impossible to charm when you are inward focused, because charm requires a sensitivity to others the inward-focused man lacks.
When a man focuses inwards, his attentions are turned to himself. He critiques himself, examines himself, advises himself, and judges himself. He is quite excellent, he thinks; so why do women not like him more? Or, he is lacking in attractive qualities, he fears; it’s no wonder he’s so alone!
Can a man thinking thus attract a woman, a new friend, or a coterie of admirers? No, he cannot. The inward-focused man simply lacks the mental bandwidth to do so; he is much too busy thinking about himself.
Think of any preacher, politician, salesman, comedian, or storyteller you have watched who was good. When you watched this master in action, what do you think he was focused on? Do you think he was judging himself? Or do you think he was scrutinizing every action and reaction of the people in front of him, adjusting his presentation on the fly to better lead his audience to directly where he wanted them to go, right to what he wanted them to feel?
An outward focus enables a man to turn his mental horsepower onto the issue of adjusting his communication and presentation to his interlocutors or audience. It enables him to tweak and optimize in real time to better convey what he wants to convey, to course correct when he missteps, and to respond to challenges and interruptions.
An outward focus is a telephone booth that turns Clark Kents into Supermen every time they enter into it.
You Do Not Need to Give Up Being Introspective
Adopting an outward focus for socializing and seduction does not mean you can no longer introspect.
Instead, it means that rather than introspect all the time, you will instead use the right tool for the right situation:
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Early morning, when planning out your day: review your plans, decide whether you are on-track or off-track, ask yourself how you feel, if you are doing what you need to do in life, what you must focus on today to get you closer to where you need to go. Inward focus.
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During exercise, whether calisthenics or lifting weights: inner OR outer focus. Personally I find I can push myself to go further in exercise when using an outer focus; but sometimes it is nice to just exercise while also thinking deep thoughts, too.
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Socializing, when talking with women, men, business contacts, etc.: focus on other people. It’s the whole point of this article! It is a secret to getting girls!
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Evening, when reviewing the day’s events, analyzing social outings, assessing sticking points, making action plans: inner focus. Once again, you will introspect and analyze inside your head. It’s fine to do!
There is nothing wrong with introspection, and you can make many leaps and bounds by doing it.
HOWEVER – you must use the correct tool for the correct problem.
Socializing and romance are problems to be solved with outer focus, rather than inner… at least in the moment, when facing other people.
Switching to an Outer Focus
It takes some work for a beginner to start focusing consistently on the people he is talking to, rather than always worrying about himself.
Any man struggling with approach anxiety, for instance, is also struggling to escape an inward focus. When you are outward focused, you are not worried about approaching, because there is nothing to fear; there is only adjusting the approach you make to try to optimize the girl’s reaction. And, if it flops, adjusting so your next approach goes better.
Look at this typical thought process of a man with approach anxiety:
“Oh man, I have to go talk to that girl. But I’m not sure what to say! What if she’s rude and rejects me. What if she doesn’t like me. What if she has a boyfriend and rejects me and everyone sees. Oh! It would be so embarrassing!”
This man is focused on his emotions and feelings. He is inward focused.
Contrast that against the inner thoughts of a man about to approach who is outward focused:
“Is that girl available? She seems like she is. Let’s see if there’s a good opening to talk to her. Okay, there’s how to approach her. Let’s go in.” [approach] [open]
He is not thinking about his own emotions. He is not worrying about saving face. He is just searching for the best angle to approach, and maybe the best opening line to use, while also not wasting time because he doesn’t want to miss his chance or go back into his head (i.e., slip into inward-focused mental masturbation).
So how do you do this?
Through a specific mental training program.
Here is the program:
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Every time you go out, every time you are in SOCIAL SITUATIONS, whenever you start to introspect, recognize it, and force yourself not to. Think, “I am introspecting again. Time focus on other people.”
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Start by just making observations about other people. If you tell yourself “focus on other people” but get no more specific than that, you will fail, because that’s too vague, and by the way, you’re nervous. Instead, MAKE OBSERVATIONS. Even simple ones are good. “He is tall” “she is short” “it looks like that girl is with her boyfriend” “I think those three are friends” “that guy is all over her but she doesn’t look interested” “it seems like that girl is open to meeting someone” etc. After a few minutes of this you will start to notice your anxiety drifting away as you focus more and more on other people.
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Develop mental defenses against getting in your head. At this point (as a naturally introspective guy) I have trained myself up to have particular defenses against navel-gazing. For instance, as soon as my thoughts start drifting inward in social situations, some part of my brain fires off an alert and goes “Whoa! Looking inward! Must talk to others and focus on other people!” I will then immediately look for someone to talk to, and if I can’t find anyone, start making observations about the people and situation until I can find a conversation partner. It took me perhaps a year in-field to get this automatic alert embedded (after many outings where I’d go out, get into my head, be unable to continue, and either slink home in defeat or hang around in my head and miserable for hours).
On that last: hanging around when you are in your head and figuring out how to get back out of it is a critical learning experience to have. If you’re prone to introspection, you need to strengthen those “getting out of your head” muscles, and the only way to do that is by exercising that ability. You need to be out in social situations, feel yourself sliding into or already inside of an inward focus, and take the steps to pull yourself back out of it.
With time, this gets easier and easier and more automatic for you to do.
The Outward-Focused Charmer
If you want to charm women, seduce them, attract them, and be cool, you need to be outward focused.
Not all the time. You don’t need to be it when you are by yourself, reviewing your life, or introspecting for your own enjoyment. But when you are with other people, do yourself and everyone else a favor and focus on them.
By ‘focus on them’ I do NOT mean:
- What you think they think of you
- What you think they might like about you
- What you think they want to hear from you
… because all that is really just you thinking about you, albeit via the intermediary of what you IMAGINE is going on in someone else’s head.
‘YOU’ need to be completely out of the picture. You need to focus on THEM!
That means:
- What passions does she have?
- What motivates her to do [something she does]?
- How did she end up the way she is?
- Where does she see herself in the future?
Curiosity about HER!
This is the part where some people tell me, “But Chase, I’m just not interested in other people.”
For that, the only thing I can say is you’d better cultivate some interest if you want to be socially successful. Or, if you don’t want to, then why do you care about being socially successful?
I didn’t care about tires at all when I became a tire salesman, but you’d better believe that in order to meet my sales numbers I became the most studious tire afficionado you ever met. I haven’t sold a tire in almost twenty years but I still point out things about tires I notice whenever I’m talking to people and there are tires around (and then I shake my head at how unknowledgeable others are about tread depth and wear patterns. For shame).
You cannot be a seducer if you are uninterested in those you wish to seduce.
You don’t necessarily have to be interested in every aspect of them.
I, for instance, am bored to death by popular culture. But some guys love it. I have known multiple seducers who built their methods around popular culture references. Girls love it, they love it; match made in heaven.
I’m deeply interested in what makes people tick. Why does she think the way she does? Why has she embarked down the life path she has? Deep diving and eliciting values works amazing for me. Not only does it build loads of chemistry with her but it tells me all the stuff I want to know!
Alek Rolstad is fascinated with sex. I haven’t asked him this specifically, but I would bet you he finds it very interesting to hear about women’s various sexual desires, escapades, and fetishes. Because he does, that is what he talks about with them: sex talk, sex stories, and so on.
Find something that interests you about women, and talk to them about it!
Put your focus upon it.
Focus yourself outward.
Then, not only will you have a much easier time getting past your own doubts and anxieties…
… but you will be significantly more charming and attractive to the women you meet as well!
Best,
Chase Amante
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