Why Cool Guys Are So Unflappable with Girls

Over the years, I have been noticing men taking women more and more seriously. The result of this is that men and women alike are both becoming angrier and lonelier.

It might seem counterintuitive that women would get angrier and lonelier from men taking them more seriously when women themselves are the ones demanding to be taken seriously. At least, it would seem counterintuitive – IF you were taking women seriously.

I’ll explain. When a woman says, “You need to take me seriously!” if you react to that in a serious way and say, “Wow, I guess I’d better take her seriously,” you are already taking her seriously, and she is only going to get angrier, and lonelier, and so are you.

The right way to respond to a woman doing something emotional is to interpret it as her being perturbed in some emotional way, possibly related to what her actual words are saying, but most likely not. Any relation that does exist is likely to be tangential or superficial, with the true motivator for her emotion left unvoiced.

Often this is not your problem to solve, but hers. Though you can help her. But NOT by taking her seriously!

Guys who take women seriously take on this huge burden of trying to figure out exactly what women are so exasperated about, then adapt themselves to whatever they think women need, so that they can do the male thing and ‘solve the problem’, based on what the women are saying, as well as whatever they can guess about what the women might actually possibly want, which usually doesn’t actually get them to the real root problem at all, frustrating both the women and themselves.

Cool guys do none of this, though.

Cool guys do something different:

They let a woman’s emotionalism roll right down their backs, with the result being that women are much happier around them, much more at peace, feel much more secure, and do not feel the frustrating isolation they do around men who are taking them seriously.

 

Writing the other day on one of my articles, long-time commenter Sub-Zero asked:

How do you deal with feeling stupid for doing cold approach? There are times I remember very clear where the girl made me look awkward for approaching her. One time I just made a comment on what she was buying and she said “you don’t have to comment on my cart” or something like that. I just talked about a few items she got saying she had good taste. Another chick, I simply asked how her day was and she was like “what?” Like I asked her to come to my place or something.

I’m still embarrassed about that today. That’s what I deal with doing cold approach; embarrassing, powerless, thirsty, chasing interactions where a girl can act like you’re being weird by asking her how her day was, and I’m supposed to do this 1000 times and feel stupid if it doesn’t work out if I want success haha.

But I get it, you can’t get women if you don’t approach, so how do you deal with those situations and not have them happen again?

My response was that well, I have been approaching girls long enough that I know that unless I really fumble something on my approach, I am not doing anything weird when I talk to a girl. So if a girl reacts in a really weird, rude, awkward, or hostile way, I know it is a problem with her.

In other words: she is being a socially awkward weirdo. Maybe she’s having a bad day, or maybe she’s just an anti-social person. I don’t know, I can’t know; the world is filled with all types. All I know is that I came in cool and she reacted like a weirdo, so… she’s a weirdo.

How do I respond to a weirdo woman? The same way I respond to a weirdo man. With a weirded-out look that says, “Sheesh! Okaayyyyyyy….!” Followed by removing myself from the situation (probably while shaking my head in mild disbelief at the weird response, while also smiling in a “I can’t believe that just happened!” way that signals to anyone paying attention that I am the cool one and the angry meanie is the weirdo).

Should guys who are beginners be reacting this way to women? Possibly not? At least, not unless the girl reacts really extreme. Most guys who are beginners are still getting their bearings. They are still figuring out how to approach in smooth ways, without startling girls, coming in a little too timid or a little too bold, etc. So, they are going to make mistakes sometimes, and girls may react to that. It’ll happen.

But if you’re a socially calibrated guy with thousands of successful approaches under his belt… you’re not worried about this anymore. You KNOW how to approach a girl. You’ve approached far more women than this woman has had men approach her. In the courtship dance, if you are the more experienced individual, and you are coming in smooth and chill, and she is reacting in some weirdo way, there is something going on with her personally.

This is just one example of how men who are sure of themselves and who understand women are going to be thinking about and behaving toward women in ways that come across as unflappable. It’s the example I’m leading with, but we’re going to talk about more.

(I realize there is a trend of people who in prior years would likely have been institutionalized or at least kept housebound going around terrorizing people in public, taking videos, yelling at people for daring to talk to them or have normal human interactions with them. Frankly, you have to just regard these people as what they are, loonies escaped from the looney bin. These people are all grossly self-important and believe for inexplicable reasons that the entire public conversation should revolve around what does and does not cater to their needs. You need to treat meeting someone like this, even if she is dressed regular, exactly the same as if you met a crazy urine-smelling homeless person doing this. If she’s acting like the crazed hobo, treat her like the crazed hobo. Just get away from them and get back to meeting normal people with properly screwed-on heads)

 

It’s Rarely Cool to Be Uncool to Cool Guys

Here’s the deal: I have made plenty of mistakes with people over the years. Whenever I have – whenever I have done something that caused someone to have a bad reaction – I reflected on it. I thought about what happened and why the other person reacted that way and how I could improve what I am doing. The result of that has been that, over the years, I have become pretty adept with people. I have gotten pretty cool.

READ MORE: How to Be Cool: 4 Lessons from Science and Hollywood

I know how to broach issues, how to ask for what I want without imposing, how to draw things out of people I would like to know, how to share things I think people will be interested in in ways they will be open to hearing, and so on. I know how to start conversations, how to continue them, and when and how to exit them. I can read the writing on the wall and don’t overstay my welcome – if the welcome isn’t there, whatever the reason, I’m not going to hang around and be pushy. I’ll find somewhere else I’m more welcome instead!

(one of the cool things about being a cool guy: you always have a lot of people who would welcome your company – generally many more people than there are people who wouldn’t)

Because I am cool and socially adept, there’s rarely a good reason for someone to be uncool to me. That means, if someone:

• Is acting rude toward me,
• Is causing drama for me,
• Is trying to fight me,

… or anything like this, THAT PERSON is being uncool.

Now. That is not to say that “that other person has no reason to do that.”

People always have reasons they do what they do. Somehow or other, if they are doing it toward you, you have triggered or invited that.

If you approach a girl on the street and she gives you a disgusted look and tells you you shouldn’t talk to strangers, it is harassment, well, you triggered that by approaching her, of course, but it is a weird world to live in where a highly social species like Homo sapiens is supposed to just not talk to each other ever, and where female Homo sapiens can go outside alone without a male escort, looking attractive and single, and male Homo sapiens are supposed to just shut their eyes and pretend not to see them and not investigate at all if those female Homo sapiens might be potential mates for them.

If your girlfriend starts a whole mess of drama with you because you asked her to cook some dinner, well, it’s possible you weren’t very considerate in how you asked. Maybe you slipped up a bit. But the reaction of a whole mess of drama is out of proportion to the offense.

People reacting unreasonably to minor things are people who are being UNCOOL. There is no one who will argue that, “A woman who says you shouldn’t talk to women, ever, unless you are introduced first,” or, “A woman who yells at her boyfriend because he asks her to cook him dinner,” are ‘really cool people’, behaving in ‘really cool ways’, unless the person saying that has some kind of major personality disorder.

For this reason, as a cool guy, WHENEVER someone is reacting to you in an UNCOOL WAY, you will KNOW you are in the right – at least mostly so – and the other party is the one who is IN THE WRONG.

READ MORE: Always Hold the Moral High Ground

Whether there is a point in what the other person is saying or not is momentarily irrelevant: for now, the emotion is paramount, and the emotion is disproportionate and uncool.

A timid man will allow himself to be chastened by disapproval like this from women (or from men). He will take the woman seriously, assuming that he must have done something wrong – “I guess approaching women I don’t know is bad,” he says, or, “Maybe I should cook the dinners instead of asking my girlfriend to,” he tells himself. The feminist cheers! Another subservient man! And both the chastened man and the women around him grow angrier and lonelier.

A cool man sees this disproportionate reaction from someone, though, and rather than go straight to introspection, he instead says, “Whew! She’s sure got a bee in HER bonnet! Wonder what the deal is with HER!” and then he puts her out of his head, completely stops caring about her, and goes on about his day.

He’ll still devote a few mental cycles to reviewing what happened internally to see if he did something that stepped on any toes anywhere.

But for the most part, he will regard the one who was being uncool as the one in the wrong here – and the result is, the cool guy stays unflappable.

 

Girls Go for the Unflappable Man

I set out to be unflappable in junior high, because I was a loner, and I wanted to show no weakness. At this same time in my life, girls started going absolutely crazy for me. It took me by complete surprise and I didn’t understand what was happening or why it was happening.

I didn’t know why half the school’s cheerleading squad cornered me in the bleachers to ask me on dates, why girls approached me in the parking lot during recess to ask me out then pester me on why I was refusing if I turned them down, why girls kept doing ridiculous things like finding reasons to brush up against me or bend over in front of me in class, and why they all needed me to help them with their assignments.

What I realize now was that at a time when all the other boys in class were going absolutely girl-crazy, the girls found my rebel-loner “who cares about girls, I’ve got my own stuff to do” persona irresistible. It didn’t last forever – a few years later and the girls were actually hooking up with guys, and at that point they wanted guys who’d take action with them – but it showed me how intoxicating to women was an unflappably cool guy.

Once I did start dating, I had to figure out how to walk a fine line, between showing enough interest in women that it wouldn’t be a complete surprise when I started to escalate, while still keeping enough of my mixed-signal unflappability that girls would continue to chase.

What I have seen, time and again, is that girls who might at first spurn me or act like they aren’t interested are always closely watching my reaction. When I shrug off their rejection like it’s nothing, then return to talking to my buddies, or chat up other girls, sooner or later those earlier oh-so-disinterested girls are often flitting about in my vicinity, flicking their hair, casting side-eye glances at me, arching their backs, trying to get my attention again.

Weird, right? She already rejected you! Why is she now TRYING to get you to look her way? Does she just want to reject you AGAIN?

No! What happened was that while at first she may not have been interested (perhaps you’re not the look she goes for, or she didn’t like your approach; or maybe she was just too in-her-head), when you react to that by being completely unfazed, then go on to continue being sociable and cool, girls do a total reevaluation of their initial impression of you.

They decide that, actually, you seem like a pretty cool guy. You seem attractive. You seem sexy.

The same thing happens with drama. When a woman gives you drama, even if maybe some part of what she’s saying is right, if her reaction is disproportionate, a cool guy tells her that, look, maybe she has a point in there, but he doesn’t like how she’s delivering it, and he doesn’t want to be around that nonsense. Then he excuses himself.

Once she calms down, does the woman feel LESS safe with a guy like this (than, say, a guy who will bend to what she demands and either apologizes or tries to explain or justify, then tries to make her happy), or MORE?

More, of course – because neither did he blow up back at her, nor bend to her frame. She sees that he is still a strong man, and women want a strong man.

Girls go for the guy who does not bend when they do silly, girly things.

Girls go for the guys who do not take what they say at face value; and who, instead, treat them as silly and cute.

 

Of all the articles I’ve written on this website, which one do you think has pissed off ‘dogmatic manospherians’ THE MOST?

Is it the one totally obliterating the hypergamy argument, now and forever, using the divorces of the most famous and powerful men in the world (who’re their women leaving them to ‘date up’ to, I wonder)?

Is it the one dismantling the ‘looks are the cornerstone of attraction’ ideology? Or how about the one where I just ripped on guys with hilarious examples tearing up the “Girls Only Want Good-Looking Guys or Young Guys” argument?

Maybe it was the one where I wrecked the cult of “big muscles get you girls”, or the one where I talked about how contrary to popular belief, I discovered it was way easier to get laid once I was broke than it was back when I had a nice, cushy 9-to-5.

How about the one where I talk about each woman having different tastes? Dogmatists hate that one! I have actually had guys argue that while men clearly have different tastes in female faces, as evidenced in the comments to this article and this one, women actually are different and all want men who have the same one exact face (then each guy names a DIFFERENT male celebrity as being the guy with the ideal face! Figure THAT one out, Dr. Freud!).

Maybe it was “I Can’t Get Girls Because Girls Only Want [BLANK]” Many dogmatic guys have tried to argue with that article, but they’ve never been able to voice a single cogent argument, and hilariously only end up repeating things I already put into the mouths of the characters inside the article.

But no… none of these are the most triggering article I have posted on Girls Chase to manosphere ideologues.

THE most TRIGGERING article to these men, on the entire website, is my article about how girls are actually just silly and cute.

READ MORE: Girls: Silly and Cute

The reactions some guys have to this concept are violent.

It triggers full-on cognitive dissonance Chernobyls!

And every time I see that, I say to myself the same thing:

“Here is a man who takes women very, very seriously.

“He takes their words seriously.

“He takes their actions seriously.

“He takes their approvals and disapprovals to heart.

“And he is going to get absolutely eaten alive by women… and probably has in the past, too.”

Because this mindset lies at the absolute crux of being unflappable with girls.

Which, itself, is more or less the crux of being cool.

No man is cool who overreacts emotionally to women.

 

Cool Guys Don’t Take Women Seriously

When a girlfriend tells me she loves me, I say okay sure.

When the same girlfriend tells me she hates me, I say okay sure.

When she tells me she wants to break up with me, I say okay sure.

When she asks me to never leave her I say… “Well let’s see what you’re saying next week.”

She’s a woman. Her emotions are changeable. It’s kind of cute and silly how sincerely she believes what she is feeling in the moment, right now, even as I know (and she does too, if she really takes a moment to step outside herself and reflect on it) that tomorrow she may be feeling something completely different.

Men like stability and consistency. Or at least we THINK we do! The truth is, men are more attracted to women with more chaotic, unstable personalities. (then, after we get with these women, we complain about how chaotic they make our lives. C’est la vie)

Anyway, as a man, thinking in purely male ways, men – especially men who do not understand women – will look at female behavior and say, “It doesn’t make sense! It’s so irrational! What does this woman WANT?! What can I GIVE her or DO for her so she will calm down and stop rocking the boat?”

As a man, thinking in purely male ways, men – especially men who do not understand women – will take it to heart, women claiming they do not want to be approached, and decide that approaching women is wrong… then they will hear other women complaining about how men never approach anymore, and BLOW UP, telling these women that it’s all their own fault – after all, wasn’t it other of their ilk (i.e., other women) claiming men should not approach at all?

Women, at their core, are ambivalent. They don’t know what they want.

They think they want this, then they decide they want that.

They get that, but realize they’d like to have the other thing.

Then they get the other thing and regret giving up the first thing.

And on and on it goes, back and forth, endlessly.

As a man, you can try to nail a woman down, and get dragged into Crazyville trying to do it.

Or you can step back, take a look at women, say to yourself, “No girl really has any idea what she wants!”, smile at this, chuckle softly to yourself, and shake your head like you would at a silly kid doing some cute, silly thing, because girls are silly and cute.

Ever see a parent letting the child boss him or her around? The parent’s life turns to complete hell. The child becomes a mini-dictator, screaming and wailing at the drop of a hat to get whatever he or she wants from the frazzled, burned-out parent.

But then take a look at a parent that parents like, well, a parent, and treats a child like, well, a child. You see well-behaved children (maybe not ALL the time, but MOST of the time) and relatively stress-free parents.

Ever see a man letting a woman boss him around? The man’s life turns to complete hell. The women around him become mini-dictators, demanding and whining at the drop of a hate to get whatever they want from the frazzled, burned-out man.

Guys who take women’s reactions seriously, who take their words seriously, who take their actions seriously, who look for their approval and disapproval, are guys who are letting women boss them around. These are guys who have their balls in a vise.

It might seem surprising to say that most manosphere dogmatists are ball-vise guys, but they are. The reason they’re so angry at women, so frazzled by women, is because they take women seriously. Because they take women seriously, they need to either stay away from women altogether, or else once they get together with a woman the woman starts gradually putting her heel on the guy’s neck. They just don’t know how to be around women and stay unflappable and cool.

 

Does This Mean Women Never Have Serious Things to Tell You?

Of course not.

If a woman has a bad reaction to an approach you made, there’s often going to be room for improvement in there for you. Maybe you:

• Need to do a better job pre-opening or pinging girls before going in.

• Need to improve your delivery: smile more, be more relaxed, seem more real.

• Need to work on some of your fundamentals or check your opening body language.

It does NOT mean you take her seriously if she tells you something like, “It’s rude to stop a stranger you don’t know!”

Because I guarantee you if Mr. Right stops her on the street a half hour later, her eyes will be all aflutter and her heart will be pitter-pattering. Her rule about ‘rudeness’ will go right out the window.

READ MORE: Why Cold Approach Works Better Than Anything Else

If you ask a girl you’re seeing to cook some dinner and she flies off the handle, there’s probably room for improvement for you there too. Perhaps you:

• Need to be more aware of the emotional state she’s in. Get her in a good mood first, THEN ask for stuff (girls are much more compliant when they’re happy!).

• Need to add rewards to your compliance requests. If you’ve just been asking and taking, taking, taking, letting the investment scales come unbalanced, she may be feeling more like a slave than a lover. Put a little more weight on your side of the scale and even things out more!

It does NOT mean you take her seriously if she tells you something like, “I’m DONE cooking for you! It’s been 70 years since equal rights, you know! It’s time for YOU to cook for ME!”

You can think about what the lesson you need to extract from it is later, though.

In the moment when it happens, you need to stay unflappable and react in a cool way.

For instance, with the girl scolding you after an approach, you just give her a funny look, like she’s being a weirdo (because she is!), then shrug a little and go talk to someone else. That’s what a cool guy would do.

Or, with the girl scolding you over the dinner request, again, you give her a look that says, “Sheesh, what got into her?” then you tell her not to worry about it, you’ll just go get take-out (though, if she blew up because she feels unappreciated, this will trigger her even more… your lack of affect in the face of her blow-up. But that’s kinda the point here: get her real motives out in the open so you can deal with them). Then you withdraw attention from her until she calms down.

The cool guy reads the emotion: he sees the girl is in a bad state and unreceptive to him, so he doesn’t push it. He backs off. At the same time, he knows she’s a woman, and that women in bad states lash out and say things they don’t think through and don’t really mean. So he doesn’t take it overly seriously and doesn’t start analyzing her words thinking she “says what she means and means what she says” – because she doesn’t. At least not entirely. And not free from subtext… subtext that he almost certainly doesn’t have.

Obviously, she is telling him something – but the most important thing she is telling him in a situation like this is “back off.”

It doesn’t mean “back off forever, I hate you!” Nor does it mean “You need to stop approaching women forever or never ask a woman to make you dinner!”

It just means “I am in a bad state right now and I need you to back off.”

It can also mean “Later, however, I may be in a good state again and want to talk to you, get to know you, kiss you, cuddle up to you, and cook you some delicious dinner.”

Women are changeable.

It will drive you mad if you are trying to nail them down and get them to act like men.

If, on the other hand, you treat them as what they are – women – then instead of driving you mad, you just shrug it off as them being silly and cute.

Now which of those two guys sounds like a cool guy to you? The guy raging because women won’t act like a man, or the guy who smiles and shrugs at mercurial female behavior, because he knows in the end it’ll all work out… so long as he stays cool?

 

Cool guys are unflappable with girls because they get girls.

They understand them at an intuitive level.

Sure, things women do can still affect them. Rejections still sting. Drama is still annoying.

But they don’t take this stuff to heart the way stick-in-the-mud guys who are all wrapped up in taking women super, super seriously do. Those guys, man… those guys are no fun.

You can tell it when you hang with them. The guys at peace with female nature are loose and at ease with themselves and their place in the world. The guys who are all uptight because they still can’t figure out how to convince women to act like men, well, those guys always seem like they need an enema.

The mindset of really grasping what women want as a beginner can be a difficult one to wrap your head around, especially if you come from a background of not understanding the changeable, capricious nature of womankind.

But keep striving to it.

Have it there as an objective you work toward.

Over time, as you do, you will start to have breakthroughs where you see female behavior that maddens and perplexes many men as simple, straightforward ‘silly’ female behavior that does not throw you for the slightest of loops.

Things women say that cause many men to fall all over themselves with gushing emotion, or else sink into deep abysses questioning their own self-worth, roll right off your shoulders without affecting you, because you know tomorrow the same girl may be saying the completely opposite thing.

The result is that women feel safer with you, because they can tell you really GET them; get them in ways the guys frustrated that girls aren’t more like guys cannot grasp. They feel more ATTRACTED to you because they can tell you have real and deep experience with women. They feel understood by you and connected to you, because you are able to think like a woman – at least temporarily – and communicate with them on their level, instead of trying to drag them kicking and screaming to ‘the man level’ all the time, like what men usually try to do with them.

None of this is about ‘bowing’ to women or ‘bending’ to them, either.

The best king is one able to speak to each of his subjects in a way that the subject he speaks to feels completely understood – one that inspires great devotion and far-flung fealty to the good king.

This is the leader a man must strive to become.

All men who understand women AND men have in them the capacity to lead.

Become this man, and you become the cool man, who does not take women seriously, but instead takes them as women. This is what women want from you. You will feel more satisfied and complete treating women this way. Then you will not be angry or lonely over them anymore, and they will not be angry or lonely either – because they will have a man who treats them how they truly want to be treated: as women.

Chase Amante