Social Life

I want to make a brief side trip from seduction today to talk about a broader social distinction you will run into that it’s vitally important to understand.

That is the distinction between artificial hierarchies and personal appeal.

In the broader social arena, when it comes to getting hired on jobs, or dealing with legal issues, or negotiating mano-e-mano, or differentiating even between social circle game and cold approach pickup, you’ll find that most people seem to be stronger in one area – navigating and leveraging artificial hierarchies, or appealing to and swaying individuals personally – than they are the other.

And when you’re in your element, you will often find things easier; conversely, when you’re out of it, things will often become fiendishly hard and you will not know why.

The reason why frequently is because you’re trying to achieve your objectives using the wrong strategy for the situation at hand... because each of these two types of power structures require very different approaches.

Very few people ever come to grasp this well enough to move fluidly back and forth between the two.

What’s the greatest single key to being able to converse with girls in a relaxed way, not put too much pressure on yourself, be sexual, and then pull them home?

It’s not looks. It’s not confidence. It’s not being well-dressed. These aspects are all important, however, the single greatest key to being able to converse with any girl is momentum.

You can take the most talented, socially suave guy in the world, and throw him in a social situation on an off day, and he’ll look like an awkward, uncalibrated beginner.

And every guy who gets consistent success with girls understands the principle of momentum. Especially because the high value men understand what it means to work extremely hard. When you spend all day on the grindstone – on your computer, on pieces of paper, on the phone… the last thing you feel like is a social dynamo when you step out of the door.

That’s why you need to learn to converse with anyone and everyone around you.

If you can learn how to start a conversation with anyone, you can learn how to get yourself warmed up and talking to the hottest girls in any situation. And it’s no pressure, it’s not like you’ll ever see these people again (or maybe if you make a good connection, you could).

Sounds easy, right? So why doesn’t every guy go and start a conversation with anyone and everyone?

This question is exactly what I’m going to address today, along with how you can overcome your own fear of strangers and use conversations with anyone in any situation to help boost your energy and get you ready to seduce the hottest of women.

Let’s go.

While growing up, women always meant one thing to me: girlfriend material. Women were always potential lovers; never once did it slip into my mind that I could be friends with them.

It wasn’t until I started racking up lovers that I felt the need to slot women into particular roles in my life. I couldn’t (and didn’t) want to sleep with every woman that came into my life, because some women ended up becoming a bigger headache than they were worth as lovers.

However, I began to realize the importance and utility that a mutual friendship could produce. High status women are excellent for social fulfillment, preselection, and they can help you get a closer look at how women act on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, I ran into quite the conundrum. I would harmlessly flirt with women, only to find myself sleeping with them and having our friendships break down. Women would seek sex from me, and I would give it to them, thinking we could still be friends afterwards.

After all, it was just sex.

As I quickly began to realize, I was ruining potential friendships and potential lovers by flipping in between definite roles. The relationships were in some weird middle of the road status, and things would become awkward in a hurry when neither of us knew how to proceed.

What was the underlying problem for me?

I wasn’t defining our relationships roles from the outset. The perpetual chaos that ensues in this situation works against producing stable relationships and causes them to break down. I lost plenty of women because of my indecisiveness, and you could too if you don’t know where each woman belongs in your life.

In the piece on Dale Carnegie’s advice, a commenter asked about dealing with power struggles:

“Hey Chase this is a great article. Could you do an article about how to handle power struggles in friendships? I find it really has to do with investment. For example, my friend wants me to meet him somewhere, but I want him to meet me. Its like five minutes away, but its a power struggle thing. I get really annoyed when people do this because I’d like to have friends who don’t try to make things a competition like this. But I also have learned from this site that everyone is like this. Can you help me out?”

In the end, power struggles are always about the same thing, whether they’re in your romantic or sexual relationships, or your platonic ones – and I’ll cover all of these and everything else in the scope of this article.

There’s little more frustrating than having to deal with the relationship equivalent of guerilla warfare, but this is exactly what power struggles are – someone using frame control attempts, passive aggression, moral superiority and other forms of social subterfuge to undermine your position and climb the social ladder to a position above you in the hierarchy.

Not fun at all... and frequently quite draining.

So let’s talk about how power struggles come about, and what you can do once you realize you’re in one.

I’ve noticed as I’ve reviewed our discussion boards that lots of our posters are much more comfortable with meeting girls during the daytime, and find bars, nightclubs, and parties somewhat alien environments (although to be fair, there are also plenty of guys who are far more nighttime-oriented there as well).

When I stopped and thought about this, one of the things I realized was that when I first started hitting nightclubs, they were a pretty intimidating environment to experience:

• The loud, pounding, deafening music
• The big, imposing bouncers and other club patrons
• The flashy, intimidating-looking women
• The specter of approaching a girl only to meet her boyfriend’s fist
• The feeling that everyone else there belonged a lot more than you did
• The self-consciousness of knowing all these party people would see you get rejected if things didn’t go perfectly with a girl you went up to
  

Especially when you’re rolling solo, like I was most of the time early on, you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, and make for an easy target for anyone looking for a fight and look like someone to be avoided for anyone trying to have a good time.

Everyone there who’s having fun – the people you want to be around... well, they don’t need you. You don’t even know how to break into the same category as them.

So this article’s going to serve as companion piece to my article on picking up girls in bars and clubs and your primer on how to be social: the 6 secrets every social man figures out sooner or later about how to work a venue, how to get comfortable in an intimidating environment like this, and how to set yourself up for more social (and sexual) success than you can shake a billy club at.

A few weeks back, I asked newsletter subscribers who’d been using Girls Chase material to send in details about their journeys doing so, that I might start building some case studies to use in some upcoming offerings and marketing material. I’ve been working my way through all these case studies – it’s been pretty intensive work – but it’s been interesting and reading so many success stories is heartening.

One that I just finished responding to was from a reader in Mumbai, India, in his late twenties and originally from Delhi. He’d been attending a salsa class in Mumbai, and had his sights set on a beautiful young female college student in the class, but had been blocked by her close friend who wanted him instead (but who wasn’t as cute).

So, rather than pursue a girl whose friend wanted him, which was going to be dicey, he followed the advice of a buddy of his and slept with a sexy MILF in the class instead – who rapidly became addicted to sleeping with him, and who then, in order to scare off some of the competition for his flirtations, let it slip to the other women in the class that he was a playboy and they should all “be careful” if they didn’t want to get their hearts broken. As it turned out, this was a great play by her to limit his options with the other girls there and keep him for herself.

Because while our reader figured at first this would be good for him – after all, preselection is the greatest aphrodisiac – the opposite happened, and the college girls and some others started cooling off toward him, gossiping about how he could “sleep with her.”

He ended up throwing the towel in on the college girl he liked, and leaving that class (and the MILF... though he left the option open to her to sleep with him again, if she’d get her friend, a former Miss India contestant, to double up on him together with her – no word on whether that’s going down just yet) to go seek greener pastures elsewhere. It was too bad it didn’t work out, he said, but it was a good experience regardless.

What got him in the end here though was the gossiping of the woman he was sleeping with, or her jealousy – it was the social rank of her compared to the other girls in class.

One of the things that’s bizarre for me to read among all many of the comments, emails, and forum posts from new guys just discovering Girls Chase or who’ve mostly just been reading occasionally but not putting into practice is the prevalence of the “this girl or this group or this environment is TREMENDOUSLY important and I can’t mess it up” mentality.

It’s been ages since I’ve had a mentality like that... but I can relate. I felt that way often in high school, and at times after in university. Once I dialed down my involvement with social circles and began approaching women, that feeling went away and never came back.

I was free.

At the same time, I led a more rewarding social life than just about anyone I knew – my hands full with pretty girls, and all the cool / admirable / successful male friends I could want.

Why would anybody leave themselves in such restrictive conditions that they felt like achieving one specific outcome with one tiny group of people was life or death?

We discussed this re: girls a guy might be obsessing over in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her? Here’s Why You Need to Meet More Girls”... but it goes deeper than this, too; both with women, and with freedom in general.

We only have as much freedom as we allow ourselves, you see.