Socializing

Calibration allows you to fluidly conduct social interactions with others. How do you develop it, though? There are several ways, but they all involve talking with other people.

Other people are similar to you in many ways. Yet they also have their differences.

People tend to veer too far in one way or the other, either assuming excess similarity or assuming excess differences between people. Depending on which way you veer, your baseline approach to calibration will differ.

For example, if you tend to assume everyone is just like you, your main calibration task becomes to identify ways people are different, and adjust your behavior to compensate for the differences between you and them.

On the other hand, if you are someone who assumes most people are nothing like you, you need to train yourself to be much more aware of the similarities between yourself and others, to bridge the gaps between you.

Achieving a balanced sense of how alike someone is to you, as well as in what particular ways he is different, and what he is most responsive to, and using that sense to adapt your interaction with him, leads you to calibration.

All calibration is is the treatment of someone in a way effective for that individual; a way that gels with his likes, preferences, and motivators.

The better you calibrate, the more easily people will like and respond to you, plus do what you ask them to do.

People will view a calibrated individual as more alike them, more understanding of them, and less mysterious and unfathomable to them, too.

A man is only as stuck as he allows himself to be. It can take some time to climb out, but you can cultivate options and knowhow, and build a life of freedom for yourself – if you choose.

On our forum, one of our long-time members writes:

My personal fears of the future, has me losing hope, I see no way to live the life I desire (that may be untrue and that what I want is possible) and that has me running to my addictions, instead of having enough hope and groundedness to overcome my problems. I don’t want to let this feeling of hopelessness drive me down my own rabbit hole anymore.

When I was a teen and early twenty-something, I was depressed to the point of despair.

Sometimes I got to dwelling on hitting 'eject', but the only kind of eject I could think of was ejecting from life.

I got over that eventually, and began to branch out into trying all these different things, meeting all these different people, traveling to and living in all these different places.

And I discovered a way of living that was the opposite of how I'd lived when depressed:

Rather than get stuck somewhere, trapped in a situation, with no way out, I could simply step out of any situation and enter a completely new one, any time I liked.

From any situation, at any time, I could hit 'eject', and be free.

Small talk serves important social functions in the early conversation. Being good at it enables you to have better, more fluid conversations with those you talk to.

In our next installment in the Social Skills 101 series (see Part 1 on why basic social skills are so key here, and Part 2 on approaching unfamiliar people here), we'll talk about everyone's least favorite part of conversation, small talk.

Small talk is the bane of many an objective-oriented conversationalist, and not always for the same reasons:

• Some loathe small talk and try to move past it or skip it entirely wherever possible

• Others view small talk as necessary, yet become trapped in it, unable to free themselves from it

Let's discuss what small talk is, the function it serves in conversation, and how to use it without bogging down in inane conversation you can't break free of.

Approaching strangers demands a variety of social skills many people never fully develop. You need a reason to approach, to make sure you’re seen, and to be friendly, to start.

This is Part 2 of my reboot of our old 'Social Skills 101' series.

You can see Part 1, with a video breakdown of various socially unsavvy approaches, here.

In Part 2, we're going to talk about approaching strangers.

If all you want is solid social skills, stranger approach isn't completely necessary (though it is helpful). There are plenty of highly socially skilled people who aren't able to approach strangers.

However, I think it's good to begin with, since a.) a big part of this site is devoted to cold approach, and b.) in the event you're starting off at zero socially, as I did, to even talk to people at all you'll need to start approaching strangers.

So let's dive into approaching and opening people you don't know -- a painfully awkward, uncalibrated social situation for most (even many otherwise veteran socializers who yet never learned to approach strangers).

It doesn’t matter how slick you look or how many great tips you’ve absorbed. Good basic social skills must come first if you wish for social success.

This is the first installment in a reboot of our old series on social skills.

Social skills are the single most crucial skill set for anyone to learn to work with other people.

We'll use dating as our vehicle to discuss these skills. Nevertheless, as you learn social skills in dating, you'll apply them to every area of your life too.

Social skills aren't deliberately taught. You don't learn them in school, except incidentally. Most people only intuitively understand social rules, and only once they've learned them.

People shun and shame those with insufficient social skills and grace.

However, you can develop these skills at any age; it just takes focus and practice.

In this series kick-off article, I'm going to show you just why social skills are so absolutely crucial.

In this video, two guys go head-to-head for a cute, horny club girl. One of them wins, and presumably gets the lay, while the other of them (painfully) loses:

This video's titled as "guy gets his girl friend stolen in under 3 minutes" but the girl's clearly not his girlfriend. I'll tell you what the apparent dynamic actually is below. Also, while the video only takes three minutes, the process itself clearly took longer than that. Again, I'll tell you roughly how long it likely took below.

However, to introduce this piece, let me say I've been in very similar situations myself a number of times over the years. Both several times on the losing end as a beginner, and then more times on the winning end once I earned my chops.

In this article, we'll examine the tactics used by both seducers in the above video.

We'll also talk about when they can work and when they won't (plus why the blond white guy beat the Asian guy).

When you go out with the guys, do you need to be the alpha male? What if your girlfriend is there and she’s watching – will she lose respect for you if you’re not alpha?

On my article about screening vs. qualifying, reader therock asked about the necessity of being the alpha male:

Hey Chase,

I'm not sure there's an article about this specific issue on the site so I thought I'd ask.

I noticed a curious thing when I'm with my girlfriend in a social circle situation.

Say we're all going to get pizza, all close friends, including my girlfriend.

Now there's always someone who's in the lead.

Simple stuff like where to go, what to check out, etc

While I'm clearly in the leadership position with my girlfriend, I find myself in a situation where we're both being led by another guy.

I'm much more of an interpersonal leadership kinda guy. One to one with a girl I clearly lead. But in groups, it's a bit different.

I considered trying out leading he group but found it counter effective for these reasons:

1. One guy's gonna come out of top and if it's not me, I lose even more power points for trying AND failing.
2. Most of the time the guy was doing an excellent job at leading the group. He knows the best restaurants, knows where we'll have a good time (he knows the city much more than the rest of us). So no one's complaining. I've had situations where other guys made leadership faux pas and i jumped in, doing what's best for the group.
3. The leader is my friend, not hostile and never pulls crap like trying to flirt with my girlfriend.

My question to you: is it mandatory that I always lead any group I find myself in with my girlfriend?

What is its impact on attraction?

And what can one do to minimise the effects of being led by another man in front of his girl?

This is a good question, and it's a common one for guys who're starting out.

The answer is a bit nuanced, too.