How to Demand Respect, Pt 4: Direct and Indirect Disrespect | Girls Chase

How to Demand Respect, Pt 4: Direct and Indirect Disrespect

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Hector Castillo's picture

indirect disrespect
Others can disrespect you in both direct and indirect ways. Each requires a different strategy to deal with properly.

Welcome back. We’ve finally made it to the rough and dirty part.

To get here, we first had to accept that the self is everything and you should love yourself with godlike pride.

In part 2, we examined some myths surrounding pride.

Then in part 3, we covered how to spot disrespect in its different forms.

Now it’s time to explore when and how to take action and demand respect.


The “Don’t Fuck with Me” Vibe

It’s always a bit difficult to talk about vibes. But I think I’ve cracked them.

Part of it is esoteric, but that doesn’t mean it’s inaccessible. Much of it is about building up energy through repeated thought and action.

If you’ve been in a lot of fights and can handle yourself, you’ll seem much more calm than a guy who hasn’t run the gauntlet. Even in very blasé situations – like standing in line at airport security – you’ll be taken more seriously than the chump next to you.

The “Don’t fuck with me” vibe is more than just displaying a willingness to escalate to physical violence. That’s one extension of it. In its wholeness, the vibe expresses your reluctance to tolerate disrespect of any flavor.

This extends most concretely to your facial expression. In its normal state, it is empty. And when it changes, it changes slowly. Naturally.

It’s also in the way your body moves. People notice someone who’s in control of his body and knows how to use it. This is because anyone who respects himself has taken time to master himself. Being a master of himself, he is a slave to no one.

It’s your eye contact. Your eyelids are low. You don’t pay much attention to your surroundings, because you’re not really worried about it. Only when something worth seeing creeps up do you change your focus. Your awareness radius is small, yet you are not unaware.

If you have this vibe and these fundamentals (remember, everything comes down to fundamentals), you will not only earn people’s respect, they will expect you to demand it should the need arise.

You win the fight before it even starts. Ninja-level stuff.

As covered in the previous article, there are different types of disrespect.

  1. Light disrespect (teasing)

  2. Indirect disrespect

  3. Direct disrespect

First, let’s deal with how to handle light disrespect.


Smothering the Embers of Light Disrespect

Embers turn into raging fires if left unchecked around flammable objects. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s hard to spot these embers, since light disrespect can be confused for teasing and vice versa.

If you’re new to demanding respect, I would advise that you start out a bit oversensitive. When someone teases you, respond as if it’s disrespectful. His reaction will let you know whether or not he truly meant it that way. Regardless, he’ll respect you more for having challenged his barb.

As we discussed, teasing is disrespect. And even if you’re a bit butthurt about it and you are told that you should get tougher skin, you are simply being leveled with another type of disrespect. The insinuation is you’re not tough.

It’s a really scummy double bind to be in. If you don’t respond to a tease, and it is disrespect, now your teaser is dominating you. If you do respond, you’re an oversensitive baby.

But remember, I’ve already given you the solution to this in the second article of this series.

Defending yourself does not reveal a small, sensitive ego. People with low self-esteem don’t defend themselves much. And the argument that you are sensitive for defending yourself is simply your opponent trying to convince you to lower your guard.

Here, then, is the nature of genuine teasing. It’s an attempt to see if you’re worthy of friendship.

It’s similar to how a girl tests you to see if you’re truly a strong mate. Because if you can’t handle teasing from her, how are you going to respond to a stranger when he tries to pick a fight with you or tries to hurt her?

If you can’t handle small challenges, big ones will likely crush you.

If you can handle a friend’s jabs, you can handle someone else at his level if that person tries to attack the group. If a guy knows you can handle him, he can rely on you.

So the answer is clear.

Tease your teaser back.

indirect disrespect
Deal him a mighty comeback.

Give him the business. If you can, outdo him. See if he can take it as well as he can dish it out.

I’d suggest you do this only if he is at or above your level. If he is below you, ignore it. He’s trying to show he’s on your level, and you need to keep him in his place. Only equals and superiors are allowed to tease you.


Redirecting Indirect Disrespect

Calmly point it out and let him reveal his true intentions.

“Hey, man, I’m not sure if you meant for that to be disrespectful, but it sure seemed that way.”

Or do it in a Socratic fashion, like I did with my friend at the end of the previous article. Indirect disrespect is, many times, subconscious, and people don’t even realize they’re doing it. Pointing it out will make them aware and give them the chance to check themselves before they wreck themselves. Turn the questioning around on them and see how they feel when you feed it back. Meta-frame it at the end by saying something like, “Okay, so, how would you feel if I questioned your intentions or motivations like you did just now?”

In most cases, they will apologize and backpedal. This will gain you respect and let them know you have very clear lines.

If they cross you or even consider it in the future, they will do so knowing the guardian of your ego will be standing watch.

If, however, they decide they were attacking you, well, then it transforms into direct disrespect.

With women, however, you’re mostly going to be dealing with indirect disrespect. Here’s how to deal with various cases.


She’s Distracted:

You can let this go a few times, but if it continues, you must eventually address it. “Hey, I’m speaking to you.” Maybe even put your finger under her chin and lightly pull it toward you. Do not do this with a girl who was ignored you from the start and is politely telling you to bugger off. Also, do not say it in a butthurt tone as if to convey, “Hey, pay attention to me!”

No. This is when you’re having a conversation with a girl and she’s not giving you her full attention (but you two have gone far enough into rapport that you’re considering her as a mate and it’s like she considered the converse).

If this doesn’t work, she didn’t respect you in the first place, and no harm is done. Hell, there’s even a chance that now she’s going to respect you for having demanded it. Demanding respect is earning respect.


She’s Closed Off:

Maybe her arms are crossed or her body is turned away from you. You can order her to change her body language as an indirect way of demanding respect.

“Uncross your arms.”

“Turn your body towards me.”

If I want to make light of it, I’ll mimic her body language in a joking manner. Then I’ll tell her to relax. Women always seem to enjoy this.

Yes, this is domineering. But women like that.


If She Avoids Questions:

Tell her she’s evading your questions.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

This is especially important with drama or potential drama. The tone you take when you deliver this depends on how serious the conversation is. By not allowing her to evade questions, she will be far less tempted to hide things from you, or she’ll have to get better at lying. Either way, you win.


If She’s Snarky:

If she uses a condescending tone, tell her she’s being condescending and that you don’t like it. If a girl shows even the faintest sign of being a bitch, call her out on it. Let her know her behavior is unacceptable and that if she wants to be an adult, she can tell you what she really means to your face. Women aren’t as good at direct confrontation as men, since femininity is by nature indirect and flighty. Pull her into your zone.


If She’s Passive-Aggressive:

Point out her emotions to her and tell her she needs to calm down before you two can have a discussion. If she won’t calm down, either leave the situation or escalate it and out-anger her, since she’s now being directly disrespectful.

You may have noticed a pattern here. Point out her behavior and tell her to behave differently. She’s not a guy, so you don’t need to have a civil conversation. She wants to submit. Be domineering or even condescending if you have to.


Dousing Direct Disrespect

indirect disrespect
She thought she was hot till she met the firehose.

If anyone who isn’t your mentor or teacher directly insults your character, strength, abilities, morality, or anything you would consider dear to you, consider him an enemy. There should be no pause to destroy him and cast him from your life if he does not submit and apologize.

Remember, disrespect should be less tolerated when it comes from a close friend, and even less so a girlfriend. They’re too close to you and in too vital a position for screwing you over to be allowed to roam free with that reckless behavior.

However, a few notes before we get into the methods of dealing with direct disrespect.

  1. You need to wait for a trigger. It doesn’t look good to have someone disrespect you, you be quiet, then blow up seemingly at random later on. For you, the insult stuck as a present reality, but everyone else probably forgot about. Suddenly losing your cool will make you look butthurt. Either build up a few offenses in your mind and wait for one big disrespectful move to unleash your full-loaded magazine of fury, or stomp disrespect at every corner when it attacks you.

  2. You have to finish and win. Once you start, no backing down. Being friends or dating someone who has outright disrespected you is not something you want to do. If they do submit, they will respect you more for it. Sometimes people make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still let them know about it.

  3. Be willing to be more savage than the other person. The self is everything. Protect it at all costs.

Okay, now let’s explore how to give them the dick.


Method 1: Shut It Down

If you have a really strong frame, this is the quickest and best way to put someone down for disrespecting you.

“Shut the fuck up.”

If they quiet down, you win.

“Watch your mouth.”

Anything that is forceful or harshly dismissive works.

I personally witnessed a great example of this a year ago. Our landlord, who lived with the six of us in our apartment, considered himself quite the social guy. He was decently dominant compared to most men I know, but he was overly sensitive about his position. It wasn’t that he’d stifle disrespect the moment it arose, it’s that he would stifle any situation in which he wasn’t the king. This is authoritarian leadership and it’s weakest, because it breeds resentment. Think North Korea. It won’t last long.

We had our fair share of fights, some of which almost became physical (he even threatened to shoot me at one point), but I remember one particular instance when we were going to have a going-away party for everyone moving out. He wanted to make it a themed party. One of our roommates was passing through the kitchen, and the house manager said to him, “Hey, you can be our bitch for the party? You can wear a dress.”

Yeah, that’s the kind of guy he was.

The roommate turned to him and said, “I’m not going to respond when you’re an asshole like that.”

The manger immediately went into defensive mode and started telling the roommate that he was joking, as he always did when a mirror was held up for him. Everyone else in the room giggled.

When people laugh at you in a social situation, you’re not winning.


Method 2: Challenge Them

I’m sure you’ve seen this a thousand times. Someone says something rude, and the other person says, “Say it to my face.”

This is actually very effective, though perhaps a bit hasty. You might want to start off with an “Excuse me?” in a strong, accusatory tone. Or a “What did you just say to me?”

Then, if they submit by apologizing or retreating, you can either decide to take the victory or press further for a complete annihilation.

Like this.

(Something rude is said.)

“Excuse me?” as you turn and stare them in the eye.

“Oh... nothing.” They look at you with a slightly worried expression.

“No, it’s not nothing. You just said (something rude). Do we have a problem?”

Escalate from there. Make them completely apologize and let them know very clearly that they should never make such a comment again.

“Don’t ever talk to me that way again.”

Do be aware, however, that even the meekest of animals will retaliate if backed far enough into a corner. If you overdo the dominance, you can trigger him or her to attack you, whereas if you’d let it go after the first submission, you’d be fine.

Direct disrespect is simple because it’s primal. Get attacked, attack back.

Only disrespect invites disrespect if respect hasn’t already been earned.

It’s the severity and method they employ that dictates your response. You could, if you so choose, always respond harshly to even the most minor of offenses. People will respect you and fear you, but they may not like you. It’s preferable to being a kiss-ass, for sure, but there are smoother ways to put out a fire.

In the fifth and final article of this series, we’ll go over one of my favorite techniques that I have been using for years to great success but only recently have become conscious of.

Go stomp some fools.

Hector


READ NEXT:Part V: How to Demand Respect, Pt 5: Show Auto-Rejection to Make Her Chase

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