What is Neediness, and Why Do Guys Get Needy Over Girls?

Why do guys get needy for girls? Neediness stems from approval seeking and/or expectation… Yet it’s not an emotion you want.

Neediness happens when you feel under threat.

It’s a sign one lacks something... but wants it – desperately.

Yet desperation is a big neon sign to vultures, and a repellant to attractive, good-hearted folks.

The most successful men in the world have a different air about them, and they also tend to do extremely well with women. Some think these men drink a special potion. Or maybe they were born gifted with women. Right?

But what if they just aren’t needy with women and don’t need women around to feel happy with their lives? Think of gay men, for instance, and why girls absolutely adore them. Girls tell them all kinds of stories, touch them in all kinds of ways. Part of this is because gay men are freer with their sexualities around women, and they naturally have strong fundamentals; they also do not desire women at all! They freely express themselves in attractive and honest ways around women, but they have zero desire to acquire anything from them.

Most men, when around women and in the pursuit of women, want something from them. They do not wish to be with women for the sake of being with women (and by this, I am also talking about sex, because sex is something women want, too). However, most men have a goal in their minds whether it be sex with her, to date her, or to add her on as a girlfriend, but they frequently do this without creating the framework for her to desire the same thing.

It is thus our task as men to not want anything from women. Instead, we must present frames and an attitude toward women that gets the women we desire on the same page as us. When a woman wants the same things as a man, then both parties are in alignment and can move forward together.

I read an amazing book recently: Pitch Anything by Oren Klaff. I plan to write a full book review on it. One of the key concepts Oren discusses in his book is the idea of neediness versus non-neediness. Here’s a quick description of what neediness is and why it’s so terrible:

““Classic validation-seeking behavior. Signals of desperation... giving any hint of neediness or any signs of desperation, plainly put, is like saying, ‘I’m holding a bomb that could go off at any minute.’ Everyone will respond by going on the defensive. Their first reaction is – Run!

Self-protection is an unconscious reaction that comes from the crocodile brain.... Neediness triggers fear and uncertainty, causing the target’s croc brain to take over – but not in a good way. It’s goal is to prevent further threat by effectively blocking out the higher-level brain, which likes to debate and consider and analyze. No time for that. Threat requires immediate action.

Neediness is a signal of a threat.... Neediness results in avoidance.”

(p. 161)