Insights from the Mind of a Seducer

Note from Chase: this is the first article by Varoon Rajah, who runs our podcast series. Varoon’s launching this book review series, where he aims to review a new book each month related to dating, attraction, relationships, or psychology. Here’s Varoon...

Why Him? Why Her? is a book by Helen Fisher which ultimately suggests who you fall in love with (for GC readers – who men and women are attracted to) is powerfully influenced by who you are. Or, in other words, your personality is influenced from a very young age by your inherent temperament in addition to developed character traits. While it is commonly thought that your experiences in life shape who you are, what is not as clear to many is how a person’s inherent biology ultimately shapes them, as well as guides their choices and decisions well through their life – including the domain of relationships, love, and romance.

Helen briefly discusses this distinction – personality based on experiences and character versus personality based on biology and temperament – early on in her book:

“Your character traits stem from you experiences. Your childhood games; your parents’ interests and values; how people in your community express love and hate; what relatives and friends regard as polite, dangerous or exciting; how they worship; what they sing; when they laugh; what they do to make a living and relax – these and innumerable other cultural forces combine to build your unique set of character traits.

The balance of your personality is your temperament, all of the biological based tendencies you have inherited, traits that emerge early childhood to produce your consistent patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving… Temperament is the “I am,” the foundation of who you are. Curiosity; creativity; novelty seeking; compassion; cautiousness; competitiveness: to some degree, you inherit these and many other aspects of your disposition.”

Fisher, Helen. (2009). Why Him? Why Her?: finding real love by understanding your personality type (pp. 3-4). New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company, LLC.

And thus, we all have an inherent disposition and behavior that shows up to others. You might imagine where and how this is useful with your woman life – knowing the nature of that cute girl you’re about to approach or just approached, that cute girl you just met at 2 AM in a nightclub, that cute girl you’re about to go on a date with, and maybe even that cute girl you’re already dating or in a long term relationship with – has absolutely massive implications as to how you show up to her, how she shows up to you, and how elements that you present to each other serve or don’t serve to bring you two into getting together.

And knowing this – knowing your target and who she is – can enable the seeking of girls most suitable to partner with you, as well as cater your own experience with her to manage her needs, attractions, and repulsions.

And with that, we dive into this exploration of where experience meets biology.

Several times over the years, both on this site and in our newsletter, I’ve discussed compliments: both how to compliment, as well as when to do it, what compliments work best, and even a few nonverbal tricks to make your compliments more convincing.

Despite that, I notice most guys still don’t compliment much, and I suspect this is largely due to a few common fears around complimenting:

• “What if my compliment draws attention to my own undesirable traits?”
• “What if it sounds like I’m just trying to ingratiate myself?”
• “What if I inflate her ego too much?”
  

I’m not going to tell you those fears are preposterous, because those things do happen.

However, I will tell you those fears are most likely overblown.

And I’m also going to tell you that if you even have these fears at all, you have little to worry about when it comes to paying compliments.

Let’s tackle some of these concerns though, and address what’s behind them.