Dating with Herpes, Pt. 2: Relationships

Hey guys and welcome.

Last week, I wrote a post about living with herpes and how you can have a good sex life while avoiding transmitting it to others.

To recap the last post:

1. Get properly diagnosed.

2. Take your meds and get into full remission.

3. Once you obtain full remission, wait two to three days to ensure the lesions are gone, so your odds for transmission are close to zero.

I would still recommend using condoms with strangers.

In this post, I’ll go over how to deal with the social part of herpes. I’ll discuss how and when you should tell women about it and how to have a relationship (F-buddy or long-term, monogamous) as an HSV-positive person.

It feels odd to write this post because I’ve never considered herpes a big issue. For me, it was just “get cured,” and “get in remission,” and stay at home when I had an outbreak. I also never thought many guys had issues with this.

People kept asking me on forums, kept messaging me about it, and some even found my work email to ask me privately. They probably read somewhere that I had herpes.

I felt this was a non-subject and, I would rather have spent time writing about something else. But the questions keep coming in, so I decided to dedicate a two-part article on this subject.

I truly hope these two articles answer all your questions about herpes and living with it as a seducer.

 

Strangers

Should you tell strangers you have herpes? The answer is no; it is a private matter. If I am in remission, I have as many chances of transmitting it as many symptomatic HSV-positive people out there. Who does this include?

• All who have genital herpes with outbreaks and are in remission

• All who have herpes on their lips (cold sores) with outbreaks and are in remission

• All who have genital herpes with no symptoms and don’t know they are positive

• All who have herpes on their lips (cold sores) with no symptoms and don’t know they are positive

• All who are negative (a very small minority)

So why do I have to tell strangers that I have herpes? I don’t. I have no duty to do so. The law in most countries doesn’t require me to do this, and morally I do not need to because I am as contagious for HSV as most people.

However, it is my duty to do my best to protect others:

• Preferably by using condoms (mostly to protect yourself and others from other diseases since condoms do not offer good protection for HSV).

• Ensure I am in remission before physical contact.

I find it irresponsible and immoral to have sex or kiss people when having an outbreak.

My duty is not to tell them but to make sure I am almost not contagious (odds close to zero) by ensuring I do not have symptoms.

If you happen to have an outbreak, rent a good movie and chill at home. Playing computer games is another good idea. You do not hook up with people.

You had a date? Cancel it and reschedule for the next week.

That is being responsible.

 

F-buddies

I do not tell F-buddies about it either unless I have an outbreak. If so, I tell them, “Sorry babe, I have a herpes outbreak; we will catch up later.”

They accept my reason for canceling and will wait for when I do not have an outbreak.

Again, I need to stress this: I have never had a single girl tell me they caught herpes from having sex with me. To remind you, I have had herpes since 2011. I have been with many girls since then, well over 100.

No girls contacted me saying they caught herpes. It’s because I am careful. Whoever says my method is irresponsible or immoral, well, they can look at my results. I still have not transmitted it to anyone to my knowledge. Again, the odds of transmitting while in remission are close to zero.

 

Girlfriends

I have always told girlfriends I have HSV. The more you have sex with someone who has HSV, the more the odds increase for them to get it from you eventually. Although the odds are higher, I still have not seen any of my exes get outbreaks.

Neither have any girls or guys I have advised on this subject.

You might ask: “Will women even want to be with a guy who has herpes?”

Obviously, it is not anything that works in your favor. I am not going to lie. It sucks. Women would prefer that you not have it.

However, it has NEVER in the last ten years been a game-killer for me. I have never experienced a girl telling me, “Ew, no. I never want to be with you because of herpes.” It has never happened.

I really need to stress this because most guys who have asked me questions on this subject are afraid of ending up lonely for the rest of their lives because of herpes. It is simply not true—far from it.

Imagine for a moment if every person who had a cold sore at least once in their life ended up lonely the rest of their life. That would make for many lonely people.

“But it is not genital herpes,” you may say. Well, does it matter? Most people have oral sex, right? A girl or a guy with a cold sore can spread that to their partner’s genitals. It is not rare. People with herpes on their lips are more likely to spread it because while drunk, they share drinks, and girls share lipstick.

Both types are transmittable.

That said, I have a few more words about women’s reactions when I tell them I have herpes.

 

Telling Women You Have Herpes

 

In my experience, most women have few issues with STDs, setting aside the big baddies like HIV and hepatitis. HIV is quite hard to transmit through heterosexual sex (and less common in heterosexuals. It doesn’t mean you should not be careful, though). Hepatitis C is not commonly transmitted through sex. Hepatitis B can easily be transmitted, but there is a vaccine for it: three shots and you are immune. (I took that shot. I consider it responsible to do if you intend to sleep around). Syphilis is curable and is not devastating unless it stays in the body awhile (anyone who has unprotected sex should get tested once in a while anyway).

The common STDs like chlamydia and mycoplasma (both contagious as hell) and, to some extent, gonorrhea as well as herpes seem not to bother women as much as we may believe. I have transmitted chlamydia to three girls in my past. I am not proud of it (it was an accident). The girls usually thanked me for telling them, told me they would get tested, and take the necessary pills for a week.

It is mostly men who freak out about STDs. Weird, but it is the truth.

That does not mean that you should not be careful. I will stress this again:

1. Responsible sex is using condoms. We all know that sometimes things happen, get drunk and forget, condoms break, etc.).

2. If you forget a condom, get tested occasionally, and let others know if you are positive for anything.

I truly stand by this. I am not saying you should be reckless. I still need to say that the less dangerous STDs are less of a big deal to women than men.

HSV is not dangerous. There are VERY rare cases where it leads to complications. I once caught a throat infection from someone and ended up in a hospital. Complications are rare with strep throat. Yet it happens. It doesn’t mean the other person is a criminal.

There is a potential danger with HSV (as well as chlamydia, mycoplasma, and gonorrhea). If one of you is positive for HSV or has an outbreak, you increase the odds of catching and spreading HIV and hepatitis. Why? The sores that are created by those less dangerous illnesses increase the spread of other illnesses.

That’s another good reason to get tested, use condoms, and not have sex when you have symptoms.

And there are other reasons why telling women you have HSV or any other STDs can be a good thing.

 

Increased Trust

Telling a girl that you cannot see her or have sex with her because you have an outbreak will generate trust because it shows that you care, and you really do.

She knows you take it seriously (and you should). She knows you are doing your best not to spread it.

I have noticed that some women did not care. They would say, “screw me anyway.” Well, even if she does, tell her you won’t do it for her own good.

In retrospect, she will not only respect you for it but also be grateful. Your actions will generate more trust.

 

What if She Freaks Out?

It can happen. It has not happened to me. But I can see it happening.

If she freaks out on you, tell her everything I’ve told you so far:

“Most people have HSV, and although you can easily spread it when you are having an outbreak, when you are in remission, you are less likely to spread it than all other HSV-positive people who never had an outbreak or had cold sores.”

Let her know that cold sores are, in fact, herpes. Many people don’t realize this.

Very likely, she either has herpes (had a cold sore at least once) and knows about it or is asymptomatic. In both cases, even though you can spread it to her by “marking the area of her skin that is in contact with your contaminated skin,” it is also very likely that she already has antibodies. The degree depends on when she had her last outbreak, which will increase the odds of contamination. Again, you are most likely not going to contaminate when you are in remission.

If you are in remission, which makes you almost non-contagious, and she is HSV-positive (symptomatic or asymptotic) which means she has at least some antibodies, the odds of spreading HSV to her is almost nil (close to none).

 

It Can Build Sexual Tension

Denying her sex because you have an outbreak (and letting her know you are doing so because of it) will let her know that you are not doing so because you do not want her (not causing auto-rejection) but because it is for her own good. This will create sexual tension because she wants you, and you want her, but the circumstances make it so that you cannot have sex with her…yet. Letting her know you will make up for it next week (after you reach full remission plus three days, for security) will only accentuate this.

In relationships where you see her often or even live with her, you may simply deny her your dick (if you have herpes on your genitals) or deny her oral sex and kissing (if you have herpes on your lips). This will also create sexual tension. She will look forward to when she can enjoy your dick or mouth again.

 

Conclusion

As you can see, even though herpes is not fun to carry, many of you may contract it sooner or later. It has little to do with being slutty or not careful. All it takes is drinking from the wrong glass or kissing the wrong girl. (It’s hard to spot blisters and ulcers on women’s lips, especially when drunk and in the dark.)

Many of you probably have had a cold sore once. Well, if that is you, my friend, you are HSV-positive. Sorry.

Hopefully, with this two-part series, you learned that it is not the end of the world.

Just be careful:

• Use condoms with strangers.

• Do not have sex when you have an outbreak.

Instead, wait until you reach full remission. Take your meds. If you do not have meds, ask your doctor for a prescription. This goes for oral herpes: why deal with a cold sore for ten days when you can get rid of it in five to seven days? You also become less contagious while you take them and after you reach remission.

Valacyclovir reduces your viral load, and the viral load tends to be lower in valacyclovir-induced remissions than naturally induced remissions. So another layer of safety is added.

Sex is awesome, but sex can be nasty and dirty. There is no such thing as zero consequences in sex. It does not mean you should not have sex. It just means you have to be mature about it, be careful, and protect yourself and others.

If you take precautions, it is unlikely something bad will happen to you or others. Other daily life activities are way more dangerous than sex.

I hope this post was useful. Take this advice but remember to consult a doctor as well and discuss this with them. Or even better, consult a specialist (dermatologist).

Stay safe and keep others safe.

Best,

Alek