Socializing

Make the wrong social move, and you’re a buzzkill no one wants to be around. There are nine (9) such wrong moves, including bad topics, zero confidence, and talking over the other party.

A reader asks:

“Chase, could you write about things that turn you into a buzzkill around people? I read your article on how to overcome depression and I’m currently working hard to get myself out that rut. But sometimes when I’m around people I turn into buzz killington without even knowing it. What are the things I can consciously do to hide my depression?”

It’s a great question.

This site’s about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, self-improvement, and doing better. Various guys start out at various places. Some guys start out dealing with depression or saddled with victim mentality. Either of these can make you a downer in conversation who sends others running in the opposite direction.

Or even if these aren’t your particular afflictions and you’re content with life, you still may have behaviors you’ve picked up somewhere that inadvertently make you a total buzzkill to other people... Without even realizing you’re doing it.

So, to help you be a more pleasant interlocutor and allow you to rack up positive conversational reference points all the faster, I’ve compiled a list of nine (9) things that serve to kill the buzz any time you use them in a conversation with other people.

Stamp these behaviors out of your repartee repertoire, and you’ll notice people start to like you a whole lot more, more girls say “yes” when you ask them out, and more of the folks you meet want to see you again and include you in what they’re doing.

Here’s our list.

Lots of people struggle to make new friendships outside school or work (or even in these places). Yet, follow the 6 steps to new friends, and friends start to come easy.

Until I turned 19, I had no real friends. I had no idea how to make friends. I was disturbingly alone. It was painful.

Now I am 24 and can say that I am the leader and popular guy in every clique I am a part of.

What am I doing differently that changed things so much that now I write about the social arts for a site called GirlsChase? And how can you use my experience to make new friendships, enjoy an awesome social life... And, oh, by the way – get girls chasing you?

Men in STEM fields, despite their smarts, often don’t do well with girls. What’s the cause of this handicap – and what can you do about it?

STEM is an acronym for the academic disciplines of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. It is a moderately strong stereotype that men educated in these fields are socially awkward nerds who struggle with women.

Why is this the case (that STEM men are so often nerdy and awkward and not good with girls), and what can be done about it?

The author has studied math, physics, and computer science and would like to give his thoughts on this issue.

The first thing to be said about this problem is that it IS to some extent true that STEM-educated guys have problems with socializing and women, and thus the corresponding “nerd” stereotype is rather common with students and workers in such fields.

Obviously not all STEM guys have problems, and for those who do have problems, they are rarely unsolvable. The challenges STEM guys face have several different causes, and some personality traits should be reviewed before we start discussing solutions.

Ever feel bad because random girls don’t like you? This is the “I have to get every girl insecurity” – and it can lose you dates and lays.

Not so long ago, I was out with a girlfriend. I’d just left a café I was working at to meet her, waiting outside. When I got there, I greeted her, and then she pointed me to a girl next to her I hadn’t met before. “This is my friend,” she said.

I glanced at the friend, and she glanced at me, and I saw a half-second automatic expression of displeasure flash across her face, before she forced a smile and said hi. I said hello. And I laughed to myself.

The friend wasn’t particularly attractive (she wasn’t ugly; just ordinary). The reaction could’ve been because she didn’t like my look / something about me, or it could’ve been because I accidentally (instinctively) checked her out quickly upon turning toward her (and she didn’t like my look / something about me). I can’t really help it, it’s just an automatic thing, and it excites girls who like me but turns off the ones who don’t.

Either way, once I excused myself to use the toilet, but before I returned, I thought about this interaction, and realized that while this did not bother me now, four or five years ago I’d have taken it personal and felt hurt. And I thought back and realized I’ve seen plenty of this (girl flashes me a look of distaste; I find it amusing), and it hasn’t bothered me in a good long while.

A girl was rejecting me – right? That’s a negative judgment.

But I got a kick out of it. So what’s changed?

Work, school, while out on errands or your commute. Women are everywhere, and you can MEET them everywhere. With the right approach, of course.

I am a hardcore pickup nerd to the core. I have for the past 5 years set time aside solely to pick up women. This has made me critical toward other seduction strategies in the past under the belief that any other way is unholy.

But after living this long without dying of some serious STD or at the hands of an angry boyfriend, I’ve had more time to develop a deeper understanding of others’ realities. Not everyone can take the time to go out and just straight pick up women. I would never expect to see Elon Musk out developing his verbal skills with women or Donald Trump chasing tail when he’s got important wall-building to do (just joking, don’t hate me).

It is not everyone’s purpose to shag everything that walks, and it would be unhealthy for civilization as a whole if that was our only focus... But guys are still guys and they need a strategy to help them meet women, no matter their living situation.

So I am going to try and help you out as an individual and not as a pickup freak.

Strangeness, oddity, quirk: these might not sound like the traits of an attractive man. Yet, they can be very compelling – and most attractive men have their quirks.

“I swear I’ve never met a man who has your knack for lack of social grace. If you weren’t naturally charming, someone would have stabbed you by now.”

— Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

One of my closest friends sent me this quote from our favorite fantasy novel. He said that it reminded him of me.

And, although I have been likened to water by some and a lion by others, I’ve always thought of myself as a fool.

The kind of foolishness I speak of is that of the Fool card in Tarot.

He skips through the world like a child, eyes to the sky, head in the heavens, knapsack on back, and always on the precipice of a great fall (like, literally, he’s about to fall off a cliff). As a fool, I’ve always been attracted to foolish, weird, and strange people and things.

One of my earliest fascinations was with the antagonist from the video game Final Fantasy 6. His name is Kefka, and he is a nihilistic, psychopathic, murderous villain who dresses like a jester.

He begins the story as this weak mage, carrying out the orders of his emperor, laughing at everyone and everything. And then, by the end of the game, he becomes the God of Magic and literally destroys the world, all whilst laughing at everyone and everything.

Strangely, he is one of the most beloved, if not the most loved villain in all of Final Fantasy. His appeal is akin to that of DC’s The Joker (and the creators of Final Fantasy probably drew influence from him for Kefka’s personality).

Others in fiction who work off the same premise are characters like Elodin from the Kingkiller Chronicles, Wit from the Stormlight Archive, The Comedian from Watchmen, or even Rust Coehle from True Detective.

They are wild, batshit insane, and yet terribly charismatic despite having a natural inclination for ungraceful behavior.

Several times over the years, both on this site and in our newsletter, I’ve discussed compliments: both how to compliment, as well as when to do it, what compliments work best, and even a few nonverbal tricks to make your compliments more convincing.

Despite that, I notice most guys still don’t compliment much, and I suspect this is largely due to a few common fears around complimenting:

• “What if my compliment draws attention to my own undesirable traits?”
• “What if it sounds like I’m just trying to ingratiate myself?”
• “What if I inflate her ego too much?”
  

I’m not going to tell you those fears are preposterous, because those things do happen.

However, I will tell you those fears are most likely overblown.

And I’m also going to tell you that if you even have these fears at all, you have little to worry about when it comes to paying compliments.

Let’s tackle some of these concerns though, and address what’s behind them.