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This is part of a two-part series on Valentine's Day I'm releasing this year since we haven't really gone into the subject in any great depth before. Today's is "What to Do with Your Girlfriend on Valentine's Day," for all the attached beaus out there, and, early Thursday morning, I'll release, "How to Pick Up a Girl on Valentine's Day," for the gents who are single and looking.
I want to start this series with what Valentine's Day is in the West these days, and what it means to women, and why you should care about that.
After we cover that aspect of it, we'll have a look at how to treat the holiday if you're already in a relationship (or relationships!), and how to tackle it if you aren't.
Here we go.
Comments
As much as I appreciate it,
As much as I appreciate it, why wait until thurs morn to release the article! I plan on going out wed night and I'll be at work all day thurs....I'd love to read the article earlier and get a head start on planning my evenings!
Why Wait?
Anon-
Would if I could..! I'll be in transit most of today, so won't have time to put the finishing touches on this one until late tonight / early tomorrow. The considerations in this one are mostly target selection, logistical (when to go out), and a little bit of how to broach the holiday in conversation. So, more tweaks than overhauls - nothing that should impact your Wednesday night, either ;)
Chase
V-day game
hey, Chase
great article, really enjoyed it
After reading the part that V-day snaps girls in to reality that they are single and still haven't found a man, I'm left with the impression that around valentines day (before it, on the day, and the coming days after) girls are more interested in men and dating, and looking beautiful to attract a mate, and will be more receptive to being approached and asked on dates.
And actually more eager to find the man of their dreams.
So unless I'm wrong it should be easier to pick up girls around valentines day.
Girls Looking for Mates
MisterX-
Right you are - but, there's a bit of a catch on the "when" of when around the holidays women really start being more receptive to men, and how the reactions differ among different girls. However, more on that shortly...
Chase
Chase, So I just realized
Chase,
So I just realized after reading this that I inadvertently scheduled for 2 different girls to come over to my place on the 15th and 16th, having no idea that Valentine's Day was upon us (shows how much I care about the 'holiday')... I am in very casual, uncommitted relationships with both of these girls right now. I see them on average once a week, per Ricardus' advice in "How to date multiple women." I have even communicated to both of them that I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now and was met with the same response from both girls.
1) Should I be worried about anything here?
2) Should I avoid bringing up the holiday altogether when they are over?
3) And if THEY bring it up, should I say something like, "Oh, haha! I didn't even realize that Thursday was Valentine's Day! That holiday is only for people in relationships anyway..."
Inadvertent Scheduling
Ryan-
I wouldn't be too worried. It'd be better to put them off a few days, but now that you have them scheduled I'd refrain from changing anything.
Don't mention the holiday, and if they bring it up, just grunt and tell them you don't believe in Valentine's Day (or that Valentine's is a religion to which you do not subscribe).
Don't say, "That's only for people in relationships...!" as that's a little too cutting, depending on the girl and her emotions, as it implies you have NO relationship with her - something that people can take the wrong way. Even if it's only a casual relationship, it's still a relationship, and feelings can get hurt if that relationship is dismissed offhandedly.
Keep it to your own preferences ("Valentine's Day... bah! I call it 'drinking day'"), and you'll be fine.
Chase
I have never had a Girlfriend
I have never had a Girlfriend on valentine's day, so the concept of the holiday is foreign to me.
My relationships have been short, and have come before or after the day of suppossed love. But I am not oppossed to Valentine's day. I think it means more to women than men.
But I can't wait to read up on the article on how to snap up the single ladies on Valentine's day. Will definetly put the skills to use when you post it up Chase.
Ready to Snap Up the Singles
Great to hear it, Maxz. That'll be up shortly - hope it helps you do some snapping up!
Chase
Valentine day question
Chase,
Two part question,
A girl I've been seeing Issa ing town tonight and I have contacted her today. But I made and to see her on Friday....
Questions are should I send her a text to let her know that I am thinking of her? I like to keep I like because we haven't committed to each other.
Another question is, I want to spend more time with her but don't wan to get to serious to fast. I know this girls likes me, but I'm on the fence of a new relationship and not wanting to move to fast in the Serious relationship category but enjoy building it up over time. Do you feel that not spending time with her on V day will cause her to withdraw? But I am seeing her in Friday.... In a weird spot, let me know
Not Seeing Her on Valentine's
Pat-
How she reacts to not seeing you on Valentine's depends on a couple of different factors: how new the relationship is, what her own feelings are about the holiday are, and what she thinks you're doing instead.
So long as you have a pretty reasonable reason why you're too busy or tired or booked to go out on Valentine's, you should be fine if the relationship is under 2 1/2 months or so, most likely.
Sending her a text may be okay, but you may want to play it off like you didn't even realize. e.g., "Janet, just got told by one of my coworkers today is Valentine's Day - :S Well, happy Valentine's! I'm at work until 8 PM tonight and have an early morning tomorrow, so no impromptu plans, but happy holiday anyway - & see you tomorrow!"
Chase
Off topic - but how to better read women?
Great article. My comment is totally off topic but I have a problem, and I think other guys that aren't yet as advanced as you may be in the same boat.
I used be VERY judgmental but I've worked to move toward more neutral territory since I know no one is perfect. And so while I grow this personality ethic, I've found that some women that I don't have instant chemistry with, I still consider giving a chance (for a second date) if she has other qualities going for her... I stay hopeful that things would get better next time, and if they don't then get rid of her. But it seems like this mentality may end up making me waste more time than I care to.
I recently used this mentality on a woman that wasn't an instant hit and it turned out that she was actually dating just to date. Zero interest whatsoever. Granted I met her on an online dating site, so I had no physical-contact reference points prior to going out. Usually women that I meet out and about -- if we hit it off then things are good once we go on a date. But online is a coin toss. Anyway this woman was good! She sent off non-verbal signals as if she was interested - answering my deep-dive questions, smiling, touching, flirting, responding to my chase-frames etc. All the while she was using me, practicing how to become a better dater, wasting my time.
I'm not the only guy to encounter this I've found out. And it's not a big deal, I'm taking it on the chin, but from a law of least-effort standpoint, there has to be a mechanism (or two), a reliable one, to test whether or not a woman is wasting your time or practicing (since paying attention to non-verbal indicators may not be good enough).
One way reliably to tell how interested a woman is to simply command them to act toward getting more intimate -- kissing or inviting them home and see if they ACT upon the invitations. But see the thing is, there's multiple ways they can say 'no.' She could give some bs excuse -- which is a reliable indicator that she isn't that into it, or it could truly be that she hasn't yet warmed up. Why get rid of a woman (who has a few things going for her) that hasn't fully warmed up on a first date? Maybe this is my mistake, holding on to this mentality that women need more than 2 hours on a date to warm up to becoming somewhat sexual with me. Some do, some don't, I can usually tell which ones are wasting my time, but this recent chick caught me by surprise!
Currently, I'm not as skeptical of women as women are of men, and I am not as aggressive in screening women out from just one interaction. I understand why women are skeptical... they understandably don't want to have babies with the 'wrong' guy. Sometimes I just know someone isn't going to work out. But other times it's coin toss (like mrs. practicer mentioned above), and in these instances instead of listening to the gut-level "she isn't making feel out-of-control excited" I instead say to myself I never know what I'm leaving on the table -- she seems fun enough and I'm just hopeful. But it can very well be I need to be more aggressive and ruthless with women, and look for the "out-of-control" gut-level "nearly fearful but certainly excited" feeling since there are women everywhere in my city. Problem is I've only felt this way about a woman TWICE in my life. And those women went on to become the most awesome girlfriends ever. But I'm less fazed by women these days and seemingly I've tamped down my enthusiasm -- so waiting on this emotion isn't going to cut it...
Now when I invited her out again (getting her to act) this is how I came to find out that she was practicing, and so I promptly moved on, but in the future I don't want me or any other guy I know to waste any more effort (txt messages, etc) than necessary on a woman at all. There reaches a point where a man can do no more with women than his current best. All he can do then is sit back and evaluate what's going on. Evaluating is a skill that I'm trying to get better at. How do you evaluate women? Do you a process -- a series of questions you ask yourself? Do you do so in real-time? What if you're on-the-fence about a girl, what do you do in real-time to evaluate whether you should continue with her or decide that you have to get up early tomorrow ;) ?
Great site and I appreciate what you do man.
Target Selection
Anon-
You're talking about something that's a favorite topic of mine, actually - reactions vs. results.
My #1 prescription for figuring out how "real" she is is continually escalating things and pushing things forward. That means, get her on a date if it's virtual; get investment, move her, invite her home, and physically escalate with her if she's in person.
One thing you realize after you've been doing this for a long time is that excuses are usually not legitimate. With every excuse you get, you just dial down the amount of time you're investing, until the only contact you ever have with her is just to ask her out (until you throw the towel in on her). If she likes you, she'll come out with you / move with you / come home with you. If she doesn't, no amount of talking, courting, or cajoling is going to change that.
A few of the articles you can check out here for more on this:
The first is the mindset, and the second two will get you focused more on getting women investing and escalating that investment rapidly.
Chase
Dinner dates/girl small talk
Hey Chase,
If you go out to dinner, is this a case where you should pay? And if we just stay at home and I cook dinner (or don't), won't she be disappointed seeing all the other couples at romantic French restaurants with their $50 fixed price dinners? I don't think I need to spend a lot of money to show her that I care about her, but I don't want to be a grinch who won't splurge for a day for her, either.
One unrelated observation/question: in classes and such, girls small talk a lot, very fluently. Guys don't seem to do this much with each other, though, and ones who do it with the girls aren't necessarily the ones getting the girls. So there's no need to feel like I should join in and be that social with the guys or girls - I can instead just follow the usual process on this site. Am I right? Not sure if I worded that so clearly...
Oh, and I tried remembering what I talked about last with someone I hadn't seen in a while, and it worked great! Thanks for the helpful advice.
Best,
The M
Dinner Dates and Small Talk
M-
Glad to hear it on the person you hadn't seen in a while! Nothing to get things rolling again like picking up where you left off.
On dinner - you can go out if you like. If you pay, it's better if that's your gift to her, and she's gotten you something else (even if it's of lesser financial value). But you're fine not going out and cooking at home, too, unless you've established a pattern in the relationship of going out to restaurants regularly. If you have a "restaurant routine," then yes, you probably need to go out for it to not feel weird. Otherwise, dining at home's perfectly fine.
On the small talk, you're right - the guys who are gossiping usually aren't the same as the guys getting the girls. Girls like strong and silent much more than they do gabby and gossipy... so long as the strong silent guy makes a move and steps up to the plate when it counts, of course.
Chase
Nice article. And a story
Nice article.
And a story (and question):
I had been dating a girl, moved a little too slow and didn't close soon enough. She got cold and fell asleep on me completely. Friend-zoning me, or trying to at least. I quit talking to her, and out of the blue one day she makes a fairly generous donation to my web page for a charity event I'm involved with. I felt compelled to thank her, so I did (rather calmly, just a thank you and you didn't have to do that). She then - this is via text mind you - exclaims "oh shit!" and tells me the donation was "supposed" to be "anonymous". Hmm sure it was. So I try to open the conversation further and she shuts it down immediately with a one word response. Oh well, not a big deal. But, what is the psychology behind that? If she was just trying to get a rise out of me - I hope it was worth her money.
"Anonymous" Donation
Anon-
It's hard to say. Depends a lot on how big the charity is, if she knows you're involved, etc. However, people don't usually donate money just to get in contact with someone... this may be a case of she was cyberstalking you out of idle curiosity, saw the charity, thought it was a good one, and then donated, not realizing you'd know the money came from her. If she's shutting it down, it doesn't sound like she's trying to leave any doors open.
The most likely psychology was, she probably just wanted to donate to the charity, unless there are other complicating factors involved. No need worrying too much about non-responsive women - just write her off, get back up on the saddle again, and move onto the next girl.
Chase
I guess you could say I'm
I guess you could say I'm "looking", but I never go out on holidays.
Thanks
Thank you for this article, I have been looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this for some time now. I have always been of the mindset that VDay is kind of silly, but because it is important to virtually every girl, it seems like it would be a disaster to not celebrate this with an exclusive girlfriend. Also, it seems risky for setting precedents for the rest of the relationship, as a man going overboard or doing nothing would seem to subconsciously tell the girl that this is what she should expect from the man all the time (and if he fails to keep giving in the future, this could be seem as a sign of failure on his part).
I fall into the "relatively new relationship" category, and am seven months in. You mentioned that the most important thing to do is spend time with her, and also give small gifts like flowers, a cooked dinner, or a personalized item. For gift giving, do you recommend doing just one, or is it okay to do all three? Would doing all three set the wrong kinds of romantic expectations?
Another question, mainly since I am curious: for casual relationships, you mentioned that you should not contact her unless it's the day before (for sex) or two days after. Well, what happens if she contacts you on VDay, or presses you to celebrate it with her, even though it is just a casual relationship?
Gifts / Casual Correspondence
Ozz-
I suppose this comes a little late; hopefully you made out fine regardless.
The preference I think would be that if you're getting flowers and chocolates, she cooks dinner, but it depends on what she gets you then, too. If it's one-sided, it seems a bit much. If she gets you something nice, then flowers, chocolates, and dinner all feels a little too romantic to me on a romantic holiday, but it won't kill you.
If a casual partner contacts you on Valentine's Day... well, depends on what she has to say. If it's a "fishing for something" text, be nice, but non-committal. If it's to wish you happy Valentine's Day, you can write back with something along the lines of, "I'm not much of one for holidays... but Happy V-Day to you regardless, Susie!"
Chase
Some questions
Hi Chase, I have a few questions.
1. Does it matter what you really say when opening? I rack my head of trying not to say the wrong thing which makes me not say anything at all.
2. I always have a bad day dream a girls gonna yell at me or call me a creep or something embarrassing. Am I making it more than what it is are girls mean like that?
3. How can I not worry about what others think? I worry if people will see if I fail or if the girl will tell people about my failed attempt. How can I stop worrying about this?
4. I have a giant ego and I'm a perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect including what I say and the steps I take during my pick ups. My ego is so big that I won't approach just to keep my ego intact and not get rejected. How can I solve this problem?
5. How do you get a quick lay? I'm so horny right now it's driving me crazy. I dont want to sleep with an unattractive girl, get a prostitute, or choke my chicken.
What's the easiest and fastest way for a new guy like me who hasn't been able to hone these skills yet to get a quick lay before I end up doing something I will feel disgusted about later? And social circle is not an option.
Sorry for all the questions but I just wanted to get these out since they were in my mind.
Thanks appreciate it.
Questions
Wolf-
Best answer to all of these is, "Get more field experience." Get out there and start meeting more new girls.
Girls never snap at you... I've talked to many thousands of women and never had it happen once. I've had a few girls (usually ugly girls) try to paint me as socially awkward... but, usually in situations where I was being socially awkward, and they were simply spiteful people who got kicks out of trying to make others feel bad. Good for them, happy to move on.
Opening matters most for you... if you believe in an opener, it'll work. It's sort of like magic that way. So pick something you like that feels great, and use it. Once you know what you're doing, it doesn't matter, because you can say anything the right way. But when you're new, you need enthusiasm over the opener in order to get the right fundamentals happening naturally to pull it off convincingly.
On rejection and not caring - you can reduce this with exposure, but you probably won't ever lose it completely, even if you become very skilled and take a number of lovers. See this article:
How to Act When a Girl Rejects You
On quick lays... well, that's sort of like asking, "How can I beat this video game really quickly that I've never played before? I just want to beat it really bad," or, "How do I win a game of chess against a middle-ranked opponent? I've never played before, but I really want to beat him." I can tell you the general steps and strategies, but if you haven't taken the time to hone those skills yet, you'll be swimming in a sea of overwhelm because your brain hasn't been exposed to the patterns of the environments you're picking up in and how a normal pickup goes down and what to expect in real life and how to respond to it immediately. You need time, repeated exposure, and dedication to do something fast.
Check out these posts to get you started:
How to Pick Up a Girl
How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need
How to Use Indirect Game to Get Girls
Chase
Girls having bf's all the time.
Hey Chase it's me again, I totally forgot the main question I wanted to ask which was about girls saying they have boyfriends during the pick up.
If your picking up a girl and she says she has a bf what do you say? I know this could be a test to see how strong you are. My usually answer use to be "you can't have friends" which really didn't work. Tell me what I can do about this please.
Also, it seems like every girl really has a legitimate bf or significant other. How am I suppose to get these girls if they're already taken one way or another?
Sorry for the second post, I just forgot a question.
Boyfriends
Wolf-
Check out this post:
Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT to
Chase
Girls friends
Hey chase,
Great articles as always. Your posts have helped me with my game a lot over the last couple months. But I have question, it's not really on topic with this post and I have no idea of there is a post on this already but here it goes! So I'm in highschool. Senior, graduating in few months. There was this girl I was interested in, I went fast, asked her out twice actually before dropping her, and while I made mistakes as a beginner still I learned a lot from the situation. But anyway, over the last few months I've become good friends with her, but at this point I'm over her, but I have taken an interest in one of her good friends recently. Now my question is how would one go about moving the friend of a girl you've already tried and gamed before? I would imagine it's the same basic process, but also I don't want this girl talking her friend out of doing anything with me due to me already asking her out before, because it's still highschool and girls can cause a lot of drama over that.
Hope you can answer this, and sorry for being off topic.
Peace,
Chris
Trading Off to Someone Else
Chris-
That's a delicate situation, if simply for the fact that women tend to like having men in the orbiter role (for safety, security, a backup plan, etc.), and sometimes act out against or even sabotage those men's attempts to date other women when they can.
How you proceed depends some on her personality, then. If she's a calm, more logical person, and she really honestly does value her as a friend, talking with her honestly and saying, "Look, let's be frank: you only just like me as a friend and have zero romantic interest in me, right?" and when she says yes, say, "Okay, because I like Charlotte and I'm going to ask her out, and I just want to make sure that you and I will still be cool."
If she's emotional and if you have even the slightest hint that she may value you more as a backup plan than as a human being, then I'd advise not saying anything to her and begin dating that other girl in secret, telling that girl at the same time not to say anything to her friend or let it get around unless she wanted to face that girl's ire. It'll come out at some point, but hopefully not until after the relationship's secure and you're set to weather any storms caused by a jealous friend.
Chase
Trading Off
Chase,
That's exactly what I was afraid of, partly due to the reason they are best friends, and I know she's told her friend that I asked her out back when I did, so that's another concern that the friend might just decline because I pursued her friend at one point.
Although, I do believe the girl I did go for previously is more a calm, logical person. Mainly because after I did ask her out, she never made a big deal or had that "I hate you" attitude. We both just moved on from it and became friends.
So I will talk to her before I do anything. Also while I have become good friends with her, I've also made sure to keep myself just out of orbit of being her "backup plan". After I asked her out twice and got a no both times I pretty much dropped her from being a possible love interest. I would have just dropped her all together from the face of the earth, but we are class mates and I do have to see and talk to her everyday.
Chris
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