Boyfriend Framing: Serious Guy vs. Casual Guy

An issue I've noticed guys have over the years is they stumble upon Girls Chase, they read about not coming across as a boyfriend, and then they try to present themselves as 'not boyfriends' without actually changing their vibes.

Typically what they do is they add certain things to their conversations that they've read will push them out of boyfriend contention.

But then they don't actually revise the rest of their conversation to take out boyfriend-y topics and remarks. And they don't change their presentation or delivery style any, so they still seem like boyfriend candidates -- except now they're candidates who also say some slightly un-boyfriend-y things.

So let's talk about things men do (without even realizing it) that make them come across as boyfriend candidates to the women they meet... even while these men think (in error) that they are "coming across like the ultimate lovers."

 

Boyfriend-y Things Men Say

"So, what do you look for in someone you'd date long-term?"

Imagine a woman asking you this on a date.

As soon as she asks you this, what do you think she's looking for with you?

Do you think she wants... just a quick roll in the hay, then "Bye?"

Of course not. It's obvious she's thinking about long-term, she cares about what YOU want long-term, and the natural deduction is she must be evaluating you for a long-term role.

Just like you can easily deduce this if she asks you this question, she, too, will easily deduce that about you if you ask her this question.

If you've read Girls Chase for a while, you've likely browsed my article on how to communicate to women you're not a boyfriend.

Read more: Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material

However, while these bits and pieces give you things you can say that move the line away from you being a boyfriend, it is not enough if you keep everything else the same, then just sprinkle a line or two like this in.

Even if you use the boyfriend disqualifiers I give you in that article, if you're still coming across as a boyfriend in a lot of other ways women will just be confused... and may still put you in the boyfriend box anyway.

If they believe your disqualifiers, yet you also manage to convince them your main value is as a boyfriend, you can end up in the unpleasant box of "He's a boyfriend candidate who's unavailable as that. So I guess I should just move on."

Conversation is not just "say whatever just to fill the dead time." The things you say tell your interlocutor what you're thinking about and what you want. If you start talking about sex she assumes you're thinking about sex, possibly with her (depending on how you do it). If you start talking about long-term relationships, well... she's going to assume you're talking about that with her for one of two reasons:

1. You want that with her, or

2. You aren't actually interested in her at all and it's just a fun conversation topic for you

Women think that men who ask them about their prior relationships are not interested in them.

Meanwhile, they think that men who are talking to them about what they want out of a future long-term relationship are asking because they may want to have that with them.

Talking about relationships -- both prior and future -- is dicey business for the lover.

The truth is, most lovers do not care about relationships.

If I'm interested in going to bed with a girl, and nothing more, I do not really care:

• What her previous relationships have been like
• If she has any present relationships right now
• What she'd enjoy in a future ongoing relationship

Further, even if I would like to date her, I'm not going to ask her about her prior relationships before sex, because she's more likely to stretch the truth (or just lie outright). This can make for decent post-coital conversation, however.

I'm not going to ask her about her current relationships because if she has any that'll just make it harder to bed her.

And I'm certainly not going to ask her about what she wants out of a relationship, and just get a laundry list of fantasy checkmark items that will go out the window as soon as she meets a sufficiently compelling guy who beds her and keeps her around (like me).

Other boyfriend-y things men say revolve around how much they'll help or support women:

• "I'd never let that happen to you"

• "It's too bad you didn't know me, I'd have helped you out with that"

• "Well, now that you know me you can always come to me for this"

There are ways you can say stuff like this while still being the lover, of course.

Picture an extremely sexual man saying this to a woman. Why can he say it and an ordinary man can't? Because the woman doesn't believe the sexy man.

He is so sexual that everything he says gets interpreted by her as just something he is saying to get closer to sex. She also suspects that a man this sexy is probably not going to stick around, regardless what he says. He could tell her he's never fallen for someone like her before, and that he is thinking about marrying her, and she is not going to put him in the boyfriend box, because he is so very sexual.

If you're not at this point with your own sexy vibe yet -- and few men are -- you should not be trying to mix boyfriend-y things with a lover approach.

So stay away from these kinds of topics if you want to avoid boyfriend territory:

• Asking her what she wants in a long-term relationship

• Talking to her about her past or present relationships

• Pledging to help her with something

• Telling her nice things about how you'd protect or rescue her

Yes, more advanced guys can talk about this stuff with women.

I can talk about this stuff with women and still sleep with them quick.

I can do that because my vibe is sexual enough and I say and do enough other things that most women find it impossible to view me as a boyfriend candidate.

Usually when I say things like this to women, it's also somewhat obvious I'm being at least a bit facetious. e.g., she tells me about some mean girls picking on her when she was back in high school, and I loop my arm around her and tell her, "Those girls better hope they don't run into us now. Because we will kick their butts." But I'm looking at her with a sexy smile and the whole vibe is sexual.

If you're not at that place yet, where your vibe is very sensual, and you say and do a variety of things that put you far afield of boyfriend contention, you'd do well to avoid any topic of conversation that frames you as a reliable, dependable guy who might just be interested in something long-term with her.

What if she brings these topics up herself?

Seem bored, and change the topic of conversation or make it a flirtatious non-serious thing.

Like so:

Her: OMG, it is so hard to find a job right now.

You: That's what food stamps are for. Hey so anyway, what's the deal with this tat on your forearm? On first glance it seems like totally not your style.

^ that's a topic change.

Or:

Her: So what do you look for in a girlfriend?

You: Massive tits. And she should know how to cook. But mostly, massive tits. Why do you ask, were you thinking about applying?

Her: Well, my tits aren't massive, so I guess not.

You: Yeah, you need at least a D-cup to qualify. However I am also accepting concubines, and there's no such requirement for this role. How's your cooking?

^ that's turning it into a flirtation.

 

Boyfriend-y Things Men Do

Do you invite women to gatherings with your friends, where it'll be you, this girl, and a bunch of your good buddies, just hanging out shooting the breeze?

Do you agree to help a woman fix her car, or repair her sink, or get her computer working again after a malware infection?

Do you take women out to fancy dinners at classy restaurants, or for romantic drinks at pricey upscale bars where you foot the bill?

Do you walk girls home, give them a peck on the cheek, then not try to go in and sleep with them?

I hope not on any of those -- or if you do, I hope you're already sleeping with the girl at the time.

Yes, there are men who can use these angles to end up in bed with girls. Typically that only happens if the guy is very sexy, and he's good at this style of game.

If you review those behaviors above, you should be able to nod your head and say, "Yes, those are things a man who'd like to be a woman's boyfriend would do for her."

If the only thing a man wants is to shag her, will he do those things? Probably not.

All these behaviors are behaviors where you, the man are investing a lot of your own personal energy into something for the woman while getting little or nothing back. For example:

• You bring her to meet your buddies, turning a guy's night into a "meet the guys" night

• You invest your own personal time and energy into fixing something for her

• You take her out somewhere classy, and pay a lot of money to wine and dine her

• You go out of your way to bring her to her place, then leave, without going for anything

These are high-investment, low-immediate-return actions by you.

That's very promising behavior in a prospective boyfriend.

However, it is nothing the vast majority of lovers will do.

Lovers want gratification now.

They like this girl, they find her attractive, they want to be inside her.

If they can't have her, they'd rather find someone they can.

Boyfriends will delay gratification because they are in it for the long haul.

If they don't get laid now, that's okay. They will get laid, once they and this girl are finally together.

Boyfriends also work harder to please in all these different ways. A boyfriend is eager to show his handiness, his money, his good taste, and his social circle. He wants the woman thinking, "Wow, this guy is GREAT! I want to stick around with him!"

The lover doesn't need or want a woman to have any thoughts like that.

He just wants to talk to her, arouse her, get her to invest, move her around a bit, continue to escalate on her, and take her home.

 

Boyfriend-y Delivery

One more difference between serious and casual guys is these men's deliveries.

You can turn on any movie or watch any show and right away pick out which men have the lover route open to them and which men are relegated to competing to be boyfriends.

It is not just about who says the right or wrong things or does the right or wrong things, but how the man delivers the things he says and does.

A boyfriend comes across as thoughtful, interested in the woman almost no matter what she says, and considerate toward her. He's a swell guy who is attentive to the nuances of her emotion and always seeks to make her feel fully understood.

A lover on the other hand is interested in the woman only so long as she's talking about what interests him; if she stops interesting him he'll change the topic or get bored. He's casual. He's there to have fun, enjoy himself, and not there for the girl.

Casual guys are joking around, having a blast, having fun. Serious guys are serious. For the serious guy, this girl is something serious. She is not so much for him to joke around with. He might crack some jokes, sure, but the overall tone of his delivery is 'serious'.

Think of every romantic comedy you've ever seen that features a playboy who is forced to 'get serious' at some point to court the girl he'll ultimately settle down with.

What's the big challenge? It's him leaving his casual demeanor behind and adopting the serious demeanor he's afraid to.

Why's he afraid to adopt a serious demeanor? Because he knows it's a lot less successful.

He knows the odds a woman rejects him are much higher.

Why are the odds she rejects you much higher if you come at her in a serious way?

Because as soon as you stop being the casual hookup guy and start being the serious boyfriend candidate, her doing anything with you is now a much bigger deal -- and she needs to vet you accordingly.

You go under much stricter evaluation processes.

Casual guys are assholes.

They're devil-may-care.

They are there to enjoy themselves and have fun, first and foremost.

They are not serious.

They are not "there for the girl."

And a woman pays a great deal of attention to your delivery to sniff out which one of these guys you really are.

 

Conclusion: Are You Serious?

You might think you disqualify yourself as a boyfriend.

But do you really?

Do you avoid serious boyfriend-y topics... avoid doing boyfriend-y things... and avoid using boyfriend-y deliveries?

Many guys who think they're not behaving all that serious actually are.

They behave serious because they feel serious: they put a lot of pressure on themselves to do things right and not blow it with girls, and they take the whole thing very seriously.

Women see serious behavior for what it is: a sign the guy views this connection as a big deal.

And they view casual behavior for what it is: a sign the guy doesn't view this as a big deal.

No woman wants to be a man's 'big deal' -- not usually, and not really.

A woman might fantasize about being her dream man's big deal. But only after she's already fallen in love with him. Once she's in love with him, it's okay if he gets a little weak in the knees for her.

Otherwise, women want men who are confident, who are cool, and who aren't going to treat their connection with them like some big enormous thing.

So, have a look at your conversation topics, behavior, and delivery.

Do you act like the cool casual guy... or the serious 'big deal' one?

If you're a little too serious, it's not the end of the world. You can still enjoy success with women even if you're a little too serious.

Women aren't mind readers. They don't know with certainty that, "Well, he's doing some non-boyfriend-y things, but he's doing some other boyfriend-y things. The non-boyfriend-y part must be fake and really he is a boyfriend!"

Instead all they know is you're sending them mixed signals and they don't really know how to read you.

The closer you can get to non-mixed signals though -- the closer you can get to coming across, in terms of topics of conversation, in terms of actions, and in terms of delivery -- as a casual lover type, the easier it will be to fall into bed with the women you want.

And the excellent news?

As you get good at this, you can still show boyfriend qualities. You're not stuck being a total manwhore. Once your actions and delivery are casual enough, you can display boyfriend qualities and she'll see them and note them down but still not put you in the boyfriend box.

Then once she's together with you, it's easier for you to reveal more boyfriend qualities, keeping it congruent with what you've already shown, and adopt more of a boyfriend demeanor toward her, if a relationship is what you seek.

But before then, if you want to maximize your success, look for ways to increase the casualness and sexiness in your vibe, and decrease your seriousness/stiffness.

As you get sexier, and your delivery gets sexier, and your topics of conversation and your behavior all get sexier, you'll find it easier and easier to slide into that casual guy role, and slide women's clothes right off.

Chase Amante