More Tools to Help Conquer Your Fear of Approaching Women

If you want to get laid, approach lots of girls. Sounds simple, but what if approaching women terrifies you? These tools will help you conquer your fears.

Approach anxiety is the #1 problem every guy thinks he has.

I say “thinks he has” because once you get over your irrational fear of striking up conversations with attractive women, a whole world of dating possibilities bloom. But you can’t even seed that journey if you’re too afraid to approach.

#2 is knowing “what to say” to girls.

The two are connected.

You don’t approach because you don’t know what to say – you don’t know what to say because you don’t approach. It’s a paradox with a very simple and logical solution.

 

Approach More Women

And yet, most guys will never fix this problem.

Why not? Because of:

• Fear (of the unknown)
• Resistance (to change)
• Apathy (not caring enough)
• Laziness (easier to do nothing)
• Doubt (not believing in oneself)
• Insecurity (I’m too old, young, short, etc.)
• Overthinking (ego)

Those guys who approach and “run out of” things to say would learn what to say if they’d just approach a lot more women. Practice makes perfect.

The guys who approach and practice with the focus and intent of a pro will radically change the path of their lives in profound, almost unbelievable ways. I’ve seen it happen over and over, to all sorts of men.

It works.

The amount of love, sex, and adventure available to you is virtually limitless. But you must pay the price. You have to do the work.

 

Experience Is the Best Teacher

Learning pickup is just like learning any instrument. If you want to shred at guitar, you need to pick up the guitar and play it, every day, for years. You practice technique by copying other styles, learning popular songs, studying chords and scales until you’re comfortable enough to venture into creating your own riffs.

That’s why routine-based pickup was so popular in the early 2000s; because, in essence, it taught a method to the madness of pickup.

If you had a script to run, then you could stay in the approach long enough to learn the ropes. That’s ideally how it’s supposed to work. Having “what to say” memorized meant you didn’t need to think for yourself. You didn’t need creativity or problem-solving.

Personally, I never learned routines.

I never liked doing homework – and memorizing scripts bored me. Through trial and error, spending night after night approaching women and most of the time failing miserably, I found that game was so unpredictable that quantifying any consistency was impossible.

So why stress about it? I could just spam approach the room and find the girl who liked me. And honestly, that’s been my go-to style to this day, and the style of almost every guy I know – even if they say otherwise. All pickup is sales. If you want to find the right girl, you need to meet a lot of them.

I really believe there’s a hot girl for every man, no matter if he’s a male model or a dwarf in a wheelchair. There’s a girl who sees right into your soul. But you need to find her.

 

Intelligence Matters

There’s the notion that intelligence can actually hurt your game. That if you’re just a muscled-up Jersey Shore baboon, you’ll do better than the East Indian software engineer who’s perpetually “thinking” of the best approach. But I don’t agree. I’ve found the most successful seducers are above average in intelligence to highly intelligent. More clearly stated, referring to smart guys who are horrible with women, it’s not intelligence that trips them, but rather the way they’ve been focusing their intelligence.

The smart guys I'm referring to who get laid are amazing problem solvers who’ve learned how to shut off their rampant, spiraling thought process, and be present like the baboon. They can exist in the moment as a fun-loving frat boy, then switch to a verbal-game Casanova on a whim.

These masterful seducers have three things in common:

• They have little or no approach anxiety
• They never run out of things to say
• They have spent many years approaching women

That's the issue with smart guys – they think too much, which amplifies their anxiety. Thing is, if a smart guy can overcome his anxiety and control his fear, he has the capacity to slay like no one else can.

 

Learn By Drowning in Game

I was chilling in the hot tub with some girls last week when I noticed these kids getting swimming lessons in the nearby pool. They had their water wings, their goggles, and their teacher was giving a class. I have a theory that if you really want to quickly teach someone to swim, you could just toss them in the deep end. Then, before they drown, throw them a life preserver. Pull them out, and give them a short lesson. Then toss them back in the deep end.

Learning how to approach and talk to beautiful women feels like you’re about to drown. It feels like if you move your left foot and then your right, you’ll literally die.

But you won’t. The worst that happens is you embarrass yourself, perhaps. You might get rejected. So what? But it feels like you’ll die.

Your brain thinks you’re hunting mammoths – not trying to get laid.

And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get laid. Even women want to get laid. But with a man they can trust, not some needy beta male.

It’s up to you to desensitize yourself – to go through immersion therapy.

Expose yourself to the fear-inducing stimulus over and over and over until your mind stops releasing adrenaline and replaces it with dopamine.

Then, when you approach women, you’ll experience pleasure, not terror, and the words will flow like honey from a bee’s nest.

 

Other Options for Overcoming Approach Anxiety

I’ll always repeat that approaching is the best way, but there are other options, like reading books. The two best books, in my opinion, for overcoming approach anxiety are:

 

1. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

What it is: This book is basically Buddhist Zen for dummies. It teaches you how to silence the inner dialogue that constantly chirps and chatters in your mind.

Why it helps with approach anxiety: All anxiety is caused by thought, and most thought happens unconsciously, meaning you aren’t aware you’re thinking.

People are “Is it true?” machines.

Right now, you’re thinking: “Is that true what he says? Am I an ‘is it true’ machine?”

You might be thinking back through your past experiences to see if this statement is true, or imagining future scenarios to see if this may be true. But one thing is for sure; you’re thinking – a lot.

When it comes to approaching women, the thought loops can become chaotic, with multiple thoughts overlapping, causing heightened adrenaline, fight or flight reactions, and freezing you up from taking action.

The Power of Now is all about taking a breath, realizing you are not your thoughts, silencing the tongue, and taking the right action. If you can quiet that internal dialogue, you can kill that anxiety and approach the girl.

Simple, right?

The book also covers a concept called “The Pain Body,” which is how the ego reacts to negativity by creating more and more negativity. So the book is also good for relationships. It teaches you how to be more present with your lover, in conversation, and in bed.

But mostly it teaches you how to stop worrying, and be still.

 

2. The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield

Resistance. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

It’s that little demon that keeps you from going out and practicing your approaches. It keeps you from doing your homework, going to the gym, and finishing that novel.

The War of Art (not to be mistaken with The Art of War by Sun Tzu) is one of my favorite books of all time.

There are very valuable lessons found here:

• You’re Not Special – Everyone has resistance. So don’t think that the pursuit of your dreams is hopeless, because if Tony Depp can defeat it, so can you.

• Treat Your Dream like a Job – How often do you approach? What if you treated learning success with women like it was your job? If you want to truly defeat resistance, you have to show up and work, whether you want to or not.

• Resistance Is Alive – It’s not you, it’s resistance. You’re not broken; resistance just doesn’t want you to win at life. So see resistance as your enemy, and crush it.

Overall, it’s a great book and will help with your mindset in your journey to defeat approach anxiety.

 

Meditation for Approach Anxiety

If you suffer from approach anxiety, and you don’t meditate – you’re missing out.

Other than exposure/immersion therapy, meditation is the most powerful tool you have for becoming more present and in “The Now.”

Find your Zen.

Most cities have meditation classes. Check out Meetup.com, for meditation groups, Craigslist, or search Facebook for “Meditation + Your City.”

I’ve only been to one real meditation class. I learned one simple method; a ten step induction technique from a guy named Steve Piccus, or “Rasputin” from The Game.

It changed my life.

 

Ten Steps Meditation

1. Close your eyes
2. Imagine a wave of relaxation rising from your toes to your head, relaxing every muscle
3. Count as you slowly walk down “ten steps” – every step doubles your relaxation

At the end of the ten steps, you can work on whatever internal processes you want.

Just imagine yourself effortlessly approaching women, over, and over, without a hiccup of fear.

Learn how to let go of your thoughts. Just let them slip past you, unnoticed. Don’t let your thoughts affect your emotions.

Then carry that technique over to your real-life approaches.

If it sounds too easy, that’s because it is. One meditation session won’t cure you. You still need to get out and do the work, but it will help. I guarantee it.

YouTube also has many meditation lessons for free. There’s an app called “Headspace” on the App Store and Google Play. And there are many meditation books on Amazon.

 

For the Desperate Hard Case

If you really struggle with approach anxiety, then take super baby steps. Don't be afraid to start with the very basics. Just start talking to women. About something, about anything. Don't even have pickup or seduction in your mind at all. This will help you start building a foundation on which to establish your game.

 

Ask for Directions

“Where is Starbucks?”

Personally, I think it’s lame to ask for directions. But if you must, then at least try to stay in the interaction and take it a bit further. What’s her name? What’s she up to today? That sort of thing.

 

Say “Hi”

That’s it. Say “Hi” to a dozen women. That might be all you need to start moving forward. Maybe you can’t be direct, but you can at least say “Hi.”

 

Hire a Dating Coach (click here to get started)

I’m in Asia at the moment running programs there. I’ll be in Europe this spring and summer. We’ve got other guys in the US. If you can’t afford a bootcamp, maybe try phone coaching – anything to help get you motivated and deal with crippling approach anxiety.

I hope these tips help you out. I can go much deeper into this subject and will at a later date. Let me know if you have any questions. I’m glad to answer.

Tony