Polyamory, Pt.2: What to Look for in Potential Partners

Women who are open to polyamory are few and far between, especially in conservative environments. To find poly-partners, you need to look outside the box.

Let’s start right off with a disclaimer:

If you identify as conservative, you may find a lot of what I say in this article offensive. Bear in mind that I define “conservative” in a very specific way, and you may not have the same definition of it as I do.

In my last article, I talked about polyamory and one of my wonderful experiences within my polyamorous relationships. If that article piqued your interest and you’re interested in starting a polyamorous lifestyle, you probably have some questions. One of the most pressing questions you may have is:

“How can I find attractive, high-value women who would actually agree to being in a polyamorous relationship with me?”

 

Limiting Beliefs

You might assume that high-value women would want nothing to do with any sort of relationship arrangement where they aren’t the one and only woman in the picture. That they would want to be “the queen”, as Varoon illustrates when discussing Queen Theory.

You might assume that...

• Women who care about their outward appearance are trying to find and lock down a high-value man who can dedicate all his resources to taking care of her and her children. Therefore, very attractive women would certainly never tolerate the idea of their mate mating with other mates.

• Polyamorous women were somehow tricked into the lifestyle because no woman in her right mind would want to be in that sort of arrangement in the first place.

• Only “sluts” would even consider polyamory.

• The only women with whom you could enter a polyamorous relationship would be those who already identify as polyamorous, and that everyone else would be monogamous by default.

You can throw all those assumptions out the window. They’re limiting beliefs.

Now, don’t get me wrong, some of them are valid, but only if you’re operating from a mono-normative mindset. It’s true that many women will never want anything to do with polyamory, especially if they’re on the conservative side.

 

Monogamous Women

You’re going to have a very difficult time if you try to convince conservative women to try out polyamory. Even if you somehow manage to do so, the whole relationship will likely be a toxic struggle. What do I mean by “conservative,” though? I’m talking about:

• Women who strongly favor what they’re used to over trying new things

• Women who identify as politically conservative

• Women who do not identify as feminists

• Very religious women

• Women with even the slightest discomfort around the LGBT+ community

• Women who have a strong, conscious desire to marry and have kids

• Women who slut-shame other women or have significant sexual hang-ups

• Women who expect men to pay for everything

• Racists, sexists, ageists, classists, ableists, or any other form of bigot

• Women who explicitly say that they could never consider being polyamorous

*There are many examples of successful polyamorous relationships that follow the classic “relationship escalator” of getting married and having kids, but if a woman’s desire to raise a family is centered around traditional ideals, those ”happily ever after” fantasies usually tend to clash with polyamory.

This isn’t to say that these traits are a permanent feature of the human condition – people change all the time. You could even be a significant figure in her life who can guide her toward a more positive change.

However, there are plenty of wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous women in the world who fully embody the very opposite of the above traits. If you meet a woman who possesses only a couple of the less distasteful ones, perhaps there’s some hope to build a decent polyamorous relationship with her. But if you find out that a woman possesses several of the above traits, it’s in your best interest to move on.

 

Changing Your Lifestyle

If it just so happens that literally everyone around you is conservative, that means you either:

• Live in a very conservative area where liberals are forced into hiding; or

• You are conservative and have attracted like-minded people into your life.

The most obvious solution to the problem of living in a conservative area is to move, but that simply isn’t feasible for a lot of people. It’s not like most people can pack their bags and move to San Francisco at the drop of a hat.

There are huge life changes to consider, like your career and standard of living. In the long run, however, it will be more beneficial to live closer to a metropolitan area if you currently live in a more rural one.

Metropolitan areas have a greater diversity of people with all kinds of backgrounds, thus making a polyamorous life easier to maintain and be open about. Rural areas tend to be more conservative, and anything that goes against the grain of the conservative hive mind can lead to social consequences.

Keep in mind that the consequences are generally far greater for women than they are for men, so good luck trying to convince any non-polyamorous women to switch over to your lifestyle if you live in Jesustown, Allahbama. I’m not saying you need to move, but if you want to be polyamorous and your dating life is a high priority for you, set your sights on moving as a long-term goal.

Jesustown, Allahbama forecast: monogamous with a chance of foreplay, possibly switching to cowgirl after lights-out.

If you travel a lot for either work or pleasure, then this doesn’t really affect you. You can have lovers all over the country – maybe even the world. Maintaining long-distance relationships is, in more ways than one, an easier endeavor in the context of polyamory than it is for monogamous couples.

If you are personally conservative and have attracted like-minded people into your life, building and maintaining polyamorous relationships will be a constant uphill battle, with the hill being pretty much at a 90-degree angle.

Not only will your own world view make it more challenging for you to fully understand your partners and their polyamorous needs, you will lack the appropriate support and understanding from your friends and family, as they slowly (yet successfully) convince you you’re doing something wrong and unholy.

I argue that overcoming certain conservative attitudes is a matter of “inner game” – a term pickup artists use to describe their web of beliefs, how they see the world, their personality, etc. These factors heavily influence the expectations you project and the way you sub-communicate signals. If you want to optimize your attractiveness, especially in a way that makes polyamory work for you, you cannot be conservative, at least not in the way I’m defining it here.

Think about it this way: conservatism is largely based on protective reactions to potentially negative effects of change. In other words, particularly closed-minded conservatives want to preserve order and the status quo (or go back to when things were “great” again) because they fear the one step back that comes before the two steps forward.

They value tradition, consistency, security – not inherently bad things – because of a focus on the fear of loss or losing some sort of group identity, which is a somewhat natural component of the human condition. And keep in mind, I’m not talking about “all” conservatives here, but rather the “closed-minded form of conservatism” that is ultimately a manifestation of insecurity.

If, for a moment, we entertain the idea of an “alpha male” as pickup artists and those in the manosphere define it, is an alpha male (be he liberal or conservative) reactive to fear? Or does he face change with courage and opportunism? Does he let his insecurities dictate his actions or does he, in fact, invite challenges, even to his own identity?

To accomplish your ultimate woman-goals, your modus operandi must be to overcome fear, grow, and look beyond.

Conservatism, in either the women you date polyamorously or in yourself, will lead to more hardship than it’s worth.

So, we’ve covered what not to look for in a woman, but what kind of women should you be looking for exactly? What kinds of women have a higher predisposition to adopting a polyamorous lifestyle with very little trouble?

 

Screening for Treasure

If a woman already identifies as polyamorous, that is the most optimal situation for you. However, most women you’re attracted to won’t already be polyamorous, since most people don’t identify as such.

Hell, most people in the world don’t even know what “polyamory” means. If you’re a straight, polyamorous man, it is something you’re going to have to explain in a very non-intimidating and persuasive way to most of your dates. The onus of dispelling common misconceptions will be on you.

Before spending the energy and effort trying to convince your date to try out polyamory with you, you’re going to want to screen for open-minded, liberal qualities. Most women, especially in the West, will be politically liberal if they’re educated, self-interested, critical thinkers – i.e., high-value women.

Don’t bother trying to get into a political debate in the comments, because that’s not what I’m here for. I’m just telling you what you can expect in the field and what you should be screening for when it comes to successfully entering and maintaining healthy, polyamorous relationships.

• Open-Mindedness: The most important quality you need to screen for is open-mindedness. Is she the kind of person who likes trying new things, or would she rather just keep living life in a familiar way? If she’s never been in a polyamorous relationship before, you’ll want to make sure she falls into this category.

• Social Rebellion: Polyamory inherently goes against the grain of what is socially expected, so find out how comfortable she is with social norms. How does she feel about gender norms? Does she enjoy literature with anti-establishment undertones? Does she love pop music, or is she more into obscure, non-mainstream bands? Does she recognize how the patriarchy hurts both men and women alike?
  
  You can also sometimes rely on certain heuristics that indicate she might be more open to polyamory by looking for clues that she’s an individualistic rebel. Does she have tattoos? Does she smoke? Did she dye her hair a certain color that might make it difficult to get a job at a Fortune 500 corporation? The more she sees herself as a non-conformist, the better.

• Respectfulness: There are only two people in a monogamous relationship, and those two people must respect each other and their differences for the relationship to work. When there are more people in that relationship, the respectfulness must be greater to accommodate the potential differences of each additional partner.
  
  Is she quick to judge others, or does she make efforts to accept and embrace differences? Does she let prejudices dictate her words and behaviors, or does she value trying to walk a mile in other people’s shoes? Does she enjoy arguing or would she rather get along with everyone around her?

• Compassion: If she’s especially compassionate and conscientious, or if she has an especially high level of empathy, that’s also a decent indicator of her being a good fit for polyamory, because her concern for the wellbeing of everyone involved can often supersede potential jealousy.
  
  In other words, she might prioritize collective happiness and satisfaction of the polycule over potentially feeling threatened that her individual desires might go unfulfilled. Does she volunteer at an animal shelter? Does she participate in human rights protests and rallies? Does she often express emotional distress over her friends having a hard time?

• Emotional Maturity/Literacy: Speaking of jealousy, it is near-impossible to expect someone to never feel jealous, even if they’re polyamory veterans, but it is still important to screen for a certain level of maturity related to it. Is she experienced in processing jealousy and other negative feelings in healthy ways, or does she often seek revenge for both petty and serious slights against her? Would you describe her as “catty” or would you say she’s cooler and more understanding? Has she benefited from therapy or mental health counseling in a constructive way before?

• Good Friends/Family: Since polyamory attracts a lot of criticism, you will often find that the friends of people you date might not be so supportive of polyamory overall. You may have already been in relationships where your girlfriend’s friends or parents clearly do not approve of your relationship for one reason or another.
  
  This can be a very stressful position for both you and your girlfriend. Imagine the reason being something as socially unacceptable as polyamory, though! If she’s surrounded by open-minded people, LGBT people, Buddhists, etc., great! Having such a good support system will do wonders for your relationship. If her friends are a bunch of judgmental, conservative bigots, however, don’t even bother.

• Open Sexual Attitudes: It is not necessary for a woman to be bisexual or pansexual for her to be a perfect fit for polyamory, but there is a reason why most women who identify as polyamorous also identify as one of these sexual orientations. Research suggests that, while male sexuality tends to be categorical (i.e., most men label themselves as straight, gay, or in rarer cases, bisexual), female sexuality tends to exist on a spectrum, with less clear boundaries of categorization.
  
  If we are to assume that this is the natural state of human sexuality, we can conclude that many women who mature past socially-imposed sexual hang-ups have bisexual experiences or, at least in some way, regard themselves as not totally straight and have some bi-curious inclinations.
  
  So, if she is bisexual or pansexual, that may mean she’ll be more likely to be okay with polyamory, but the more important distinction is that she has open sexual attitudes and that she doesn’t have conservative sexual hang-ups. If she thinks that premarital sex is a sin, being LGBT is “dirty”, or if women are somehow less valuable if they have a lot of sex, then you’re going to have a bad time. You want to find women who have healthy attitudes about sex.

Here’s the M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist, though: you also need to possess all these qualities (aside from specific heuristics like bisexuality, tattoos, etc.) for your polyamorous relationships to be the most successful that they can be. Take a deep breath and a good, hard look at yourself. Dive deep into your psyche, address those inner demons of insecurity, and swim toward a polyamorous you.

“Okay, so I get it, in theory, but give me some specific examples, Michael!”

I hear you. In my next article, we’ll look at some case studies of women I’ve dated in the context of these qualities, so keep an eye on this site!

 

On Joining Polyamorous Communities

If you’re starting out and want to learn more about polyamory, it’s a good idea to meet experienced polyamorous people and listen to their stories. If you live in a major city in the West, you can easily find a local poly meeting on meetup.com, but you’ll have a harder time finding one in more rural areas.

However, I don’t recommend going to these meet-ups with the intent of picking up girls. Go there to learn, be receptive to new ideas, and try not to express any sort of entitlement. These are very liberal groups that, ironically, tend to have a very low tolerance of intolerance, so getting banned or blacklisted could only be one or two missteps away, especially if you’re from the manosphere or pickup-artist community. Follow the adage of “don’t dip your pen in the company ink” – except this time, the poly meet-up is the “company”.

The one exception is that it’s perfectly fine to attend these meet-ups if you bring along already-established partners, so you can learn and socialize together. It’s very useful to make new friends who understand and support your lifestyle.

I cannot emphasize enough the distaste these communities can have for men who seek to better themselves through dating advice from resources like Girls Chase and my material, such as Attraction Arsenal.

Look no further than these reactions to a post I made on /r/polyamory (the online polyamory community on Reddit) for an idea on how fundamentally opposed they can be to even the idea of a website like this.

"OK, I’ll bite.

I didn’t read your full article.

I stopped three times:

First, at the title of the publication. Second, at the title of the article. Third, at the opening sentence.

“Girls Chase”?

“Polyamory = I went on a date with two women at the same time”? (I know it’s not an equal sign, but it reads like one, and that’s the problem. Also, polyamory is NOT about men dating women. You just alienated yourself from about 60% of your potential readers).

“Now, I know what you might be thinking: “Did he forget that he already had a date that night? Did he accidentally double-book? Did he screw up? Was there a fight? Were there tears?”

Hold on, let me get my eyes back, they rolled under my bed where they’re trying to stab themselves with a pencil.

Dude, (I don’t have to look your name up to assume you are? Oh look, what a shock).

The first thing you can do for yourself, if you’re serious about writing poly, is to NOT write for publications such as these, who, to judge from the cloud of ads and pop-ups, try to pull in guys looking for threesome porn (or how to star in one)."

and

"You’re selling polyamory as a way to fulfill a trite fantasy of multiple women falling all over a single man."

and

"So long as PUA continues to frame things in terms of “men” and “women” and “men getting woman” and further toxic gender ideology, rather than understanding relationships from within a person-to-person framework, reconciling the two will be difficult. The fundamental premises of PUA are very different from the fundamental premises of egalitarian relationships.

Even your article, factually accurate though it may be, in tone blatantly assumes a heterosexual cis[gender] male reader. A truly egalitarian discussion of how to have mutually fulfilling sex and create and maintain meaningful relationships would not automatically do that. It would teach how to break out of those rigid paradigms. As long as PUA is only meant for the perspective of the straight man, and as long as it continues to adopt false constructs as to how reality works."

and

"You come here talking about LGBT+ alliance, and in the same breadth define your art as centrally about making “men” more attractive to “women”. To me, the fact that you categorize your world in this way and can’t see the contradiction implies that you probably haven’t really fully deconstructed the patriarchal ideologies yet, although you’re starting to.

It’s almost like a clergyman pursuing science as a way to pursue god, finally beginning to doubt… but not having really made the leap yet and still infusing god into every statement. You might have genuinely engaged with true feminism through a roundabout way of trying to “attract women” but really, your gendered conceptions are only clouding your vision here and you ultimately need to discard them if you want to see clearly."

Though, to their credit, some did give thoughtful, more open-minded feedback.

"I read the entire article. This is a great article for your target audience.

The title/website/first paragraph are definitely written for your target audience. It draws them in, without immediately going into what polyamory is.

Then, when you have their attention, you begin to switch gears and focus in more on what polyamory is, how it works, and how it can be beneficial. In general, when your entire article is given a full read through, it seems like a really fair description and [prescriptive] of what polyamory is.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think this is a bad article if your target audience is people that are already interested in polyamory and already identify as feminists. But for what the article is, and who it’s written for, it gets the job done."

These people made some good points as well as some criticism I thought was based on misinterpretation, but you can see that the overall tone is not very welcoming of ideas from our blatantly hetero-normative world, so you really must make extra efforts to be as respectful as possible within these communities.

Tune in next time for a dive into some case studies for what to look for in women if you want to build a happy polycule! 

Michael