“You shouldn’t do this” – there’s no better way to get someone to
do it than to tell her not to. Here’s how to use reverse psychology in
dating and relationships.
In a comment on my article last week about orgasm anchoring, a reader named Edgy asks:
“Hey Chase! Any perspectives on how reverse psychology ties in with seduction?”
... and absolutely; it’s a real fun topic.
(aside: apologies for my delays on responding to comments, by the
way.
We’re doing a reshoot of several of the One Date lessons in May +
shooting a bunch of other stuff, and all the logistical, writing, and
managing prep for that has left me even less time than usual. I will
get to comments, though!)
The gist of reverse psychology is that you advocate for the opposite
of what you want someone to think, feel, or do. “Do not push!” written
on a button, for instance – you can’t help but want to push that
button, just to see what happens.
In terms of dating and relationships, that might mean you tell your date or girlfriend to do the opposite of what you in fact wish her to do. Or it might mean you act like you support the position opposite the one you hope she herself will choose.
Before you think this is some passive-aggressive way to get your way, think again. It’s a quite powerful psychological device – and you can use it in a variety of ways.
How Does Reverse Psychology Work?
There’s not a terribly deep exploration of reverse psychology in the psychological literature. The Wikipedia page devotes half the text on reverse psychology to a Marxist critique of capitalist advertising effects (seriously. The Wikipedia page even states it is a Marxist critique). And a quick skim of Google Scholar turns up only a handful of articles, again mostly on marketing.
There is one
research paper from 2010
that finds reverse psychology “is a prevalent, real-world influence
tactic” with two different ways it is used: “one used as a general
persuasion tactic and one used specifically to garner interpersonal
reassurance.”
We won’t be so concerned with Use Case #2 here, except to say you will have women use this on you. When you get things like:
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“You probably think my hair looks ugly, don’t you?”
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“It’s fine, I understand if you don’t want me to just show up at your place”
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“Your friends all hate me, don’t they?”
... she is using reverse psychology to get you to reassure her (“No, your hair looks beautiful!” “That’s not what I mean – I love when you show up” “Of course my friends don’t hate you!”).
In today’s article, we’ll be focused on Use Case #1: reverse psychology’s use as an influence tactic.
We still haven’t answered the question of “how does it work?” though. Wikipedia links the phenomenon to reactance theory. It doesn’t provide any sources, but it arrives at the same conclusion I’m inclined to (that it’s all reactance), and sums it up as well as any:
“This technique relies on the psychological phenomenon of reactance, in which a person has a negative emotional reaction to being persuaded, and thus chooses the option which is being advocated against. The one being manipulated is usually unaware of what is really going on.”
The last bit (about the individual the technique is used on not being aware of its use) is interesting and something we’ll discuss here.
There’s also the word ‘manipulation’ in there. Is reverse psychology manipulation? It can be, particularly when the one who uses the tactic is speaking the opposite of what he believes to influence someone else to choose what he wants her to choose. However, most of the time (like the girl telling you you probably think her hair looks ugly), reverse psychology is pretty harmless, and not in the employ of some twisted, diabolical plot.
If you use it to make a girl think her boyfriend is an unfaithful cad and that she should revenge-cheat with you to get back at him, obviously that’s manipulation. However, if you’re using it the way we’ll outline in this article (for safe, harmless stuff), you stay on the light side of things, where “it’s not lying – it’s flirting.”
Bringing Out the Naughty in Her
One of the classic ways for you to use reverse psychology in a courtship is by accusing a girl of being the opposite of what you want her to be. So for instance:
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“You’re probably too much of a goodie two-shoes for me.”
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“I honestly don’t think you’re sufficiently naughty for me.”
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“I’m probably way too dirty for you. You’d hate to be with me.”
Women, almost predictably so, will come back with something along the lines of “I’m way naughtier than you think” or “Oh, you think you’re dirtier than me?”
It’s a fairly transparent tactic, and many of the women you use it with most certainly are not unaware of what you’re doing. Some are (especially younger / less socially experienced women), but for the most part women understand you are challenging them in a flirtatious way.
Where it gets funky is when:
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The girl does not realize what you’re doing, and thinks you are legitimately rejecting her
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The girl realizes what you’re doing, but doesn’t want to play that game with you
You can, of course, use this for all sorts of things, not just naughtiness:
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“I don’t know if you’re spontaneous enough to hang with me.”
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“You’d get too uncomfortable with me. I need someone adventurous.”
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“We’d never work out. I need women who don’t have a whole bunch of rules.”
When do you use these? The best time tends to be after you’ve already built up some investment with a girl. Once she’s hooked into you and investing in you, and it feels like things are moving in the right direction, you can break out this form of reverse psychology and there’s a good chance she’ll play along.
You should not use this as a crutch to help along flailing interactions. If she isn’t responding well to you and you try this, you’ll get one of two responses:
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Dismissal: “You’re right, I’m not X.”
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Hard test: “Actually, I’m extremely X” in that but you can’t have me tone/manner
You don’t want to deal with either one of those, so save this one for girls who are already in a cooperative mood with you.
Predicting Miss Difficult
Sometimes you get a girl who is being difficult with you on everything.
You ask her to move, she says “I don’t want to.” You invite her to sit, she says “I like to stand.”
With a girl like this, when she has been repeatedly difficult (when you have built a ‘no-ladder’, in essence – the opposite of a yes-ladder), you can sometimes get her to comply by predicting her non-compliance, and tapping into that contrary streak of hers. e.g.:
You: All right, Tim and I are going to go grab drinks. I was going to invite you to come but you’d probably just say [in your best imitation voice of hers] “I don’t feel like going anywhere right now.”
Her: Actually, I would love to go. Lead the way!
This doesn’t have to be for moving around. You can use it for anything: “I was going to ask you about X, but I figure you’ll probably just say Y” works too.
This doesn’t always work. Sometimes if she is feeling especially snippy she will just say “You know me very well!” when you predict her non-compliance. Or she will just shrug if she wants to get rid of you.
However, sometimes, particularly if she likes you, particularly if she thought it was fun and games up until then, she will realize she was being too harsh, shooting down everything you lobbed her way, and this is her last chance to get something to happen with you. And suddenly she will turn compliant.
Girlfriend on the Fence
If you’ve ever had a girlfriend, you’ve doubtless been faced with the “Some people think X; what do you think?” question, where you can tell she’s making up her mind on some dicey issue.
You know your girlfriend, of course; if you’ve got an absolute sweetheart of a gal, maybe she agrees with whatever you say.
But at least with me, I can tell you if I tell a girlfriend I think ABC position is the right position, she will differ with me and argue DEF is the better stance.
So usually, it is not so good a play to directly answer her question. Instead, you use a little reverse
psychology.
For instance, say she asks you what you think about open relationships. And you can tell she is kind of new to the concept and is trying to figure out her stance – and you also know this girl runs the other way if she feels like anyone tries to impose his beliefs on her.
Depending on whether you want an open relationship or not, you can answer accordingly:
Her: I was just reading about open relationships. What do you think about them.
You: Well, it’s not really my cup of tea, but I can see why some people like them and I’m sure if you want that it’s a ton of fun.
Or:
Her: I was just reading about open relationships. What do you think about them.
You: I think they’re pretty awesome, to be honest. But I totally get why some people are squeamish about them.
Note you aren’t going full-on claiming to be for or against the thing you’re actually against or for (respectively). Instead, you are telling her, in a very calm/non-opinionated way, what your own stance is. Then you explain that the other side is understandable in a way that all but implies you think maybe she is in that ‘other side’ category.
You can very lightly judge against the other position in your ‘some
people blah blah’ response. Very
lightly. Almost imperceptibly. “If you want that I’m sure it’s fun”
dismisses people who want open relationships as unserious hedonists who
do things ‘just for fun’; meanwhile, “some people are squeamish about
them” dismisses non-open relationships people as sticks-in-the-mud who
are paranoid/OCD about relationships. If you can’t hit the right, properly
subtle note, just stay neutral. If your response is too heavily
opinionated, her reactance may go the wrong way.
It’s important to do it this way (this ‘your stance --> other people’s stance’ way). If you claim to be against the thing you are in fact for, even if she then adopts the position you want her to, now she is going to think you are against that position she’s adopted. Which leaves you in a weird place. Or it may push her to conceal what she wants to agree with you, or to actually change what she wants to bring it inline with you. None of these are ideal.
Instead, give your own stance in a measured, composed way, then tell her the opposite view also seems totally understandable to you. She will, most of the time, tend to align herself with you, against that ‘understandable’ other side you painted her as possibly a part of.
Last Minute Resistance
Reverse psychology is a classic last-minute resistance trick. Some guys even go so far as to pre-empt women’s use of it, telling girls themselves that “We shouldn’t be doing this” before the women can even say it themselves.
I don’t like to go that far (seems a little silly to me), but I will use reverse psychology to defuse light/flirty resistance. If she’s telling you “I never should’ve come back with you...” in that playful/sexy tone, it’s pretty fun to give it to her right back: “I know. I totally should’ve left you at that bar.” Just make sure you’re matching her playful/sexy tone and not being all serious about it (it’s supposed to be flirtation!).
“I should’ve totally left you there!”
Reverse psychology does not work nearly so well when her resistance is more concrete. When she starts to tell you “This is too fast” and means it, you won’t get out of that with an “I know... how did I let you do this to me?” line. At that point it just seems like you don’t ‘get it’ and you’ll only raise her resistance more.
However, when the resistance is playful/toying, you can easily toy with her back... and at that point, your reverse psychology seduction works like a charm.
Copycat Silliness
Another way you can use reverse psychology – one I am a huge fan of personally – is to copycat what girls are doing and amplify it to get them to act a different way.
For instance, if you try to talk to some girl and she acts aloof, but you can sense she might be open to teasing, you can mimic her and do an exaggerated “Ugh, don’t even TALK to me!” bit and act all disgusted. She’ll laugh, and you may have your ‘in’.
Or if you’re already in a conversation but she is being resistant, copycatting her can get her to open up. If she seems to tense up when you touch her, for instance, you can imitate her and amplify: “Ew, cooties!” Because she doesn’t want to be seen as weird and uptight, much of the time she’ll loosen up after this.
This is fun to do with girlfriends too. Especially as you get better at staying meta, once you’re able to track how an argument is going you can sometimes point out the absurdity of it:
“Hold on a second. This started as a discussion about how I do not have enough time for you. And then it morphed into some weird conversation about how you hate the way I arrange my furniture. So what is this really about? Did you just wake up today like ‘Ew, Brian has the WORST furniture management skills of anyone, but I can’t just start talking about that. I need to ease into it with his schedule, then go from there.’ Was that like the thought behind it or what?”
She will start laughing, she’ll also notice the weird jump from ‘time’ to ‘furniture’, and she’ll chill out and discuss the whole thing with you in calmer fashion. Because she doesn’t want to be seen as this weirdo who freaks out about absurd things – reverse psychology kicks in, and she seeks to differentiate herself.
The Ol’ Switcheroo
Don’t use this much myself. I’ve seen guys who use it a lot more
than
I do, however (mostly guys with very humor-driven game).
It goes like this – here’s a very basic example:
Guy: You know what I hate?
Girl: What?
Guy: Sex. I really hate sex. Don’t you just hate sex?
Girl: No, actually. I really like sex.
Guy: Okay yeah, well me too. But what I mean is don’t you hate how dirty and sloppy sex is?
Girl: I kinda like it actually.
Guy: Yeah, I guess that is kind of sexy. But doesn’t it just suck when you are in bed with some dominant guy and he is just pounding away at you? Just thrusting and pounding and thrusting and pounding?
Girl: Actually that sounds pretty hot.
Guy: Yeah, I like having that kind of sex too. It’s pretty cool to just grind the girl as deep into the mattress as you can get her. But isn’t it awful when you’re lying there in the after glow after, and it’s all done and all you can do is relax?
Girl: No, that’s pretty nice.
Guy: True, that is pretty nice. Okay, I guess we’re actually on the same page then. Cool. Glad we cleared that up.
Change ‘sex’ to whatever: don’t you just hate making out, etc.
You just keep saying you don’t like something, then say actually you
do like it after she says she does, then bring up some other element
you claim to not like. The whole while you are getting her to picture
this thing in greater and greater detail.
It doesn’t really matter if she plays along or not. Because you can do this as well:
You: Don’t you just hate making out?
Her: [playing along] Yeah. Making out is terrible.
You: I know, it’s the worst. Isn’t it terrible when this happens... [kiss her]
This is a little silly for my tastes. However, sometimes, for girls I have an especially playful level of rapport with, this kind of reverse psychology can work well.
Don’t Use This
You can probably think up more uses for reverse psychology in your courtships and romances. This is not an exhaustive list – just what I could come up with on the fly as I wrote this article.
Do you have other cool/useful ways you use reverse psychology with women (or with anyone)? Do please share in the comments if so.
So go ahead – get her to press that button with the “Don’t press” text written on it. You only live once, right?
Chase
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