How to Make Friends? The Master Key to New Friendships

Hey Kid,

In addition to what Franco posted, a thought on having friends in general:

I spent so much time without friends that I never really had a strong drive to have them. After a while, my feeling was effectively just, "Friends? Who needs friends! I'm fine like this on my own." And today, I still go back and forth between periods where I'm spending time with friends, and periods where I'm largely cut off from anyone other than business partners and women I'm dating.

I can look back though and see a big number of places where having friends has been a good thing for my life... they are worth having. Whether you should force yourself to get friends or not is up to you and what you're trying to accomplish; think of your life as something you're building piece by piece, and you've got to choose which pieces you want to include. But the right friends, selected carefully, can broaden your horizons, open your eyes, and introduce you to vistas you'd never have stumbled across in a thousand years - it was because of friends I started traveling overseas, friends that I got into entrepreneurship, friends that I started this website, friends that I was out with many of the times I met some of the most important women of my life.

And this coming from a guy who still goes through periods of time where he spends no time with friends and still tends to think he's fine on his own.

Friends can add a lot to your life, even if you may not think it at first.

Chase

Howdy Inferno,

The problem with asking for help is that it instantly positions you as an "apprentice" to the guy... which may or may not be what you want.

Most guys don't want an apprentice unless the guy's already a close friend of theirs... in that case though, they're often happy to take him under their wings. So I'd say decide based on how close you are; if you're talking about a very close friend, you can openly tell him that you'd like to learn to do what he does, and ask him if he can take you under tutelage.

If on the other hand you're just getting to know a guy, asking questions about game and trying to be his student instantly makes you a liability... here's some guy he's got to drag around and teach now.

For these guys, it's much better to not ask anything at ALL... just go, hang out with them, drink, be a going-out buddy, crack some jokes, and generally be a good companion. Guys who are good with girls are typically starved for friends who actually "get it" and aren't going to either judge them or pester them with endless questions... it's fine for him to know you're not as good as he is so long as you're not trying to grill him on things.

One of my naturally very talented friends happened to meet a guy I knew from pickup one night. The pickup guy was pretty good too, but he immediately asked me for my natural friend's phone number because he wanted to ask him some questions after he watched him pick a girl up off the dance floor pretty fast and easily. I asked my pal if he was "yay" or "nay" on me giving his cell number to this other cat, and his response was this: "Hey, if he wants to hang out and have some drinks and hit on chicks, that's cool, but if he just wants to interview me I'm not really cool with that... I don't do interviews." And that was that. That's generally how most guys who are good with girls feel about being asked too many questions... it's just bothersome and it doesn't add anything to their lives (and they don't really know what they're doing much of the time, anyway... they just DO it).

It's better, rather, just to be a friend, and to observe them, draw your own conclusions, and imitate. Imitation is one of the best tools for learning; once you're able to do what your talented friends do, you'll figure out how it works, and even how to go beyond it.

Chase

Howdy J.B.,

Nothing wrong there at all, I went through that period too. I remember it being very frustrating, and thoughts like, "God, girls just LOVE me in groups, why can't I replicate that one-on-one?!"

Fact is, the approach you take in groups is different from the one you do one-on-one. In groups, you're looking to be the center of attention, your own attention is more dispersed and spread out, and you'll find yourself wanting to make sure everyone in the group thinks you're a pretty amazing dude. One-on-one though (whether no one else is around, or whether you've zeroed in on one girl in a group), this changes; now it's about getting her to talk, about being intriguing, getting investment, and more. The dynamic shifts significantly, and the goals targeted and techniques for achieving them become different.

So, it's not that you're doing anything wrong, it's simply that you're more developed in groups than you are one-on-one right now. The way to fix that is simply putting more emphasis for yourself on getting one-on-one with girls and training yourself up there, focused on being intriguing, getting investment, getting girls to chase, getting them to tell you a lot about themselves, qualifying them, and chase framing, and leading - all things you do far less in groups, but want to do lots one-on-one.

Cheers,
Chase

Hey Dude,

I know the feeling. It's not a lot of fun hitting the bar with your buddy and he brings his committed girlfriend along (who already thinks you're the greatest threat to their relationship), and you're trying to be on your best behavior so she doesn't chew him out later and forbid him from ever hanging out with you again.

For me, building up life value was something of a slow process, yes. I had a very solid job with a well known, very prestigious company that paid well when I started, but I found that translated into social value a lot less than I thought it would. After a while, I stopped telling people about my job entirely.

People value more the things that you know than the things that you have, so getting yourself educated on things that are beneficial to people's lives is crucial. I worked on humor and storytelling while in high school, and this is one big way of bringing value I already had going for me when I started. Having a mixture of great conversation and great advice combined with a rapier wit and the occasional awe-inspiring story make you simply delightful company that everyone wants to have around. So, even when my life wasn't all that exceptional, I had enough outlandish stories saved up in my back pocket that I could pull out to add a little spice to most conversations. Finding ways to get new people I was meeting to want to hang out with me as friends, however, was still rather difficult.

Women and friends I lump into different categories. I had myself doing reasonably well with women maybe a year before I started focusing much on friends... I only decided to learn social circle when I realized it was a major weak spot for me and I was ending up in situations where I was out of my element (and didn't like that feeling).

With women, the main value you're offering, when you really think about it, is your inherent value as a man and a mate. There are things like intelligence and fashion and resources and all, of course, but those are really just ways of communicating your stud value. With friends, you have to offer something more than your body and genes, however, and that's where building other kinds of value (implicit, offered, etc.) becomes necessary.

That takes time, but as you work at it and focus on it, you'll do it.

Chase

Hey M,

Well, you've been posting here long enough, I should think we're online friends at least, anyway!

With girls, yes - you can keep girls crazy about you almost indefinitely if you do things right. This is the caveat to "move fast," but I usually skip talking about it because the instant 95% of guys hear that it IS possible to move slow, their reaction is, "Great! So I can just take it slow with this girl I like and then we can get together in like 5 weeks, right?" or, "Okay, so I should be able to get this girl I've liked for 2 years and never made a move on, correct?" And the answer there is usually "no."

Essentially what you're doing with this one is keeping the flirting and sexual tension up, but never quite giving the girl what she wants. There also needs to be some element of you being in control - typically, you leave first when you're hanging out with her; and, she calls or texts you to hang out. I'm typically too caught up in whatever I'm doing to spend much time inviting friends out, so the friends I stay close with tend to be the ones who regularly contact me to hang out - female friends included. With them, this ends up maintaing somewhat of a chase dynamic.

That's what makes "moving slow" difficult for most guys to pull off - if you're moving slow, she's got to do ALL the chasing, and you cannot do any chasing at all unless you decide to make a move and take her as your lover. Otherwise, if you have some false starts and halfway-gestures, that dynamic falls apart. You really can't WANT it... the best you can have is a mild passing "maybe" interest. If it's stronger than that, you get attached, and again, this falls apart.

For me, my female friends want to sleep with me because I DON'T chase them at all, and don't make any efforts to sleep with them, and really don't want to sleep with them (logically, anyway, even if the physiological desire is there). And even when they hint that they want to, or invite me somewhere private or intimate with them, I normally decline.

And if when we DO end up alone together, I get us out of there pronto, because I can only control my desires around an attractive woman who desires me too for so long...

Chase

Hey Anon,

Actually, the whole point of the Asian guys, white girls post was that you really DON'T do anything different than what you'd do trying to meet any other kind of girl.

The only thing that you'll need to watch out for with Latin women is figuring out if they're the saucy kind or the conservative kind, as they come in both flavors. The saucy kind you can treat very similarly to how you'd normally treat a black girl, with a lot of hard-flirting and ball-busting and sexual innuendo. Whereas the conservative girls you need to be sweeter and take some of the edge off and handle them more with kid gloves than you would a tougher, saucier girl.

Aside from that, it's pretty much the same - just do what works!

Chase

Howdy WAB,

Complaining's one of those things you want to agree with the girl on if it's something serious, and be bored with if it's not.

If for instance you're at a restaurant and the waiter simply is NOT coming over, and she gets annoyed, yeah - that's annoying. So call the waiter over instead of just waiting. If you can fix it, fix it then - don't tell her you're going to fix it (don't talk), just fix it (just take action).

If she's coming to you complaining about something, kind of shrug your eyebrows, roll your eyes to the side, shrug your shoulders a little bit, and say, "Yeah... those kinds of things suck." Always break eye contact during complaints unless it's a serious complaint about you and the fight is on; otherwise, if it's a general complaint about how someone isn't treating her how she wants to be treated, you need to communicate that this isn't a topic that interests you terribly and you'd rather focus on the two of you enjoying your time together. Let her get it out, but let her do it with you not paying total attention and not giving her eye contact, so she doesn't anchor those emotions to you.

Then, as soon as she's said her piece, change the topic onto something more productive and engaging.

On showing emotion... one of the best recommendations is use emotional words with unemotional voice tones or facial expressions. e.g., saying, "Sounds like you had a really tough day... that sucks," without much vocal inflection or without acting sad or mopey is a solid way of conveying a little emotion, but not much.

Chase

Hey Doobie Doo,

Looks like you're missing chances to go deeper and switching back up to shallow / uninteresting topics, as well as letting these girls get away with non-answers.

So, this is a boring topic: "Oh, so you like computers?" It's boring because EVERYBODY likes and uses a computer... it's impersonal, and non-specific. Like if you and I were talking, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know you liked pens. What brand is yours? Is it a Bic?" You'd be like... gah! Get this guy away from me! Why's he ASKING me this... does he need to write an address down or something?

Instead, interesting topic: "Well, okay, that's a reason not to choose the U.S. But it isn't one to choose the U.K. Why there?"

Bulldog. Don't let girls get away with half-assed answers... they give those to most guys, and most guys just let them half-ass it without thinking or getting invested in the conversation, and those guys get zero interest from them as their reward. Make her work, and don't let up until you get real, actual, meaningful answers out of her (on meaningful, personal topics). You may view this as boorish if you haven't done it much, but if you do it right - warmly, charmingly, with great interest and playful curiosity on your part - she will love you for it.

Chase

Hi Garrett,

That is a tough one, yeah.

The problem with small towns is that pretty much anyone with ambition leaves, as soon as he or she possibly can... so if you're one of the few, rare individuals focused on improving his lot who remains behind, you'll quickly find yourself a big fish in a small pond.

What you do about friends needs to be your call. Personally, I'm very particular about friends, but I've always been that way and I just can't stand having mediocre people around me. It feels as though I'm being tamed, domesticated, and broken. I have to break free. So when I've found myself in a situation where the only choice is mediocre friends or no friends, I've ended up with no friends. On the plus side, it's made me get rather good at both identifying high caliber people, and of providing the right kinds of value to their lives that they view me as as desirable a friend to have as I view them.

But, I don't "operate" quite the same as other people, probably because I spent so much time on my own during my formative years. When I'm just hanging out with people, the constant thought in my head is, "Jesus, I am wasting SO much time right now. How can normal people spend all their time just sitting around talking about nothing? I feel like some lion just lolling about on the savanna, letting the time drift slowly by, day after day." Most people seem to "enjoy" doing or even NEED to do this sort of thing, though - that lolling about, lounging with friends, not doing a whole lot - and if you fall in that category, my guess is that just cutting yourself off from people would be detrimental to your sanity!

One advantage of the Internet is the ability to join communities of more exceptional people than those around you. We're building a place like that in the forum - you could check that out if you haven't yet. And if you browse around, you can find some other places with development-oriented people in other niches or areas on other sites that are of interest to you. These provide not only social stimulation, but intellectual as well - some of my good friends today I was "Internet pals" with years before I ever met in person. A few good friends of mine that I've known for 5 or more years I STILL haven't met in person. The Internet is really the great equalizer.

I'd say, if you don't really need to hang out with people, or can't stand being around lower caliber people, then it's probably best to distance yourself from your friends and focus on figuring out where the higher caliber people are, and/or connecting with them online, and/or moving somewhere you can meet more of them. If you DO need that social stimulation though, and you're going to go crazy without it, it's probably ill-advised to simply ditch your present friends for speculative future ones... you may just end up with a "friendship scarcity mentality."

Chase

Average-

Just saw this comment.

From the sound of it, it feels like you're "courting" these folks for friendship but they something's probably a little off / you're missing some detail socially that's making them view these as unwanted overtures - kinda like the guy who's chasing a girl in a way that isn't really all that attractive, but doesn't realize it.

I'd sit down and have a look at how you're going about trying to be friends with these guys - if they're popular, remember, they're going to be some of the more socially attuned and adept people in school, which is what you'll need to be to make a good impression on them and get somewhere with them. Simple things like are you coming across as someone cool and valuable to know, or as someone who'll be an anchor or who will hold them back; are you front-loading value and offering value, or are you trying to get value from them?

If you can get yourself to the point where you're exuding cool, calm, and confident, and you're offering value and never asking for it, instead of you chasing them, they will start chasing you.

But... you might have a little work to do to get yourself to that point, first. They've already got a head start in the social skills department - you'll need to do some catching up.

Chase