The 4 Kinds of Girls and Which Ones YOU Should Go For

Hi Qd,

Transitioning between soft and strong is possible, although I think the transition you make is normally into your "real" (read: inborn) personality inclinations, and away from learned ones.

e.g., you may naturally have a strong personality, but for whatever reason during your childhood and adolescence, you controlled yourself into being softer (usually you'll see society pushing strong children to behave soft, and not the other way around). So, you adopted a style that never really fit and always made you unhappy, until you finally shed it.

Occasionally it happens the other way, with a naturally soft person pushed to be strong (e.g., to support his family if the father disappears, say, or to join the military and take on an aggressive warrior persona that doesn't come natural to him).

But, you can certainly transition here, although its hard, and in the end your natural category is going to win out.

Chase

Hi Jered,

Normally when you see a girl you've cut contact with, it's more useful to build tension. So, give her a quick and warm, "Hi!," then keep moving / get re-immersed in whatever it is you're doing (i.e., don't engage her in small talk).

When you get into a quick conversation, you defuse tension, and she's able to feel, "Ahhh, okay, that's better; he knows I'm not interested in him but we're still cool and can still be friends." When you don't do that, tension builds, and she begins to realize that she really is cut off from your value if she isn't providing value to you that you value. She may become cold and angry if she has zero romantic/sexual interest in you and auto-rejects knowing that she can't have you as a platonic guy friend, but if she has some interest, this will be heightened as a result of the tension as she realizes you're actually a strong guy who has no problem cutting ties with people who aren't providing something he values back in return for him giving them the time and attention they value.

Chase

Hey Zac,

Yeah, if you're FT/EX, those TR/IN girlfriends and friends can *really* get on your nerves! It's absolutely the same for platonic friendships too, including those with other men... many of the clashes between coworkers can be categorized as clashes between these personality types.

You can shift how you present yourself back and forth between soft and strong, but only temporarily. For instance, if you're soft, you can adopt a more dominant, assertive personality and move into TR/EX, but you'll slip back to FT/EX eventually if that's your normal, preferred modus operandi (and there are no outside forces pushing you to remain TR/EX). Your preferences seem to shift when you shift personality types, interestingly (you'd think your core preferences would remain).

When I used to work an office job, I'd take on an FT/EX personality (it's a lot harder to act inexperienced and eager when you're not than it is to just restrain your dominance, in my experience), because I never was in a position to be the TR/EX at work and not step on my bosses' toes. I'd frequently find myself clashing with TR/INs, who'd be trying to boss me around despite their lack of skill or experience. When I'm running my own business and fully in charge though, I like TR/INs, because the dynamic has changed, and now they're in a position of being eager to learn from me and viewing me as a teacher, rather than an obstacle.

A lot of it is probably based then on how others' reactions to you change as you shift quadrants, as much as it is your own preferences.

Adopting an alternate type to woo women of a quadrant you'd normally not get along with can work, but it's frequently less satisfying, probably because it's a very fleeting transition. For instance, if you shift artificially into TR/EX to sleep with a TR/IN you'll still have an urge to smack the TR/IN upside the head, and if it's to get an FT/EX, you'll still feel rather bored with her, regardless of how she feels about you masquerading in a TR/EX personality.

Chase

Lanoa-

By preference/wish I think you're talking about the difference between stated and actual preferences, yeah? That one's killer... as you pay attention, you'll see so many people talk about how they absolutely want one thing and not another, and then go bring the exact opposite of whatever that thing they claimed to really want into their lives. It's like the logical mind is completely unaware of what the rest of their brain has already decided it's going to go get... it's living in some logically-constructed fantasyland, influenced by society and rational though, but totally unhinged from reality. It's really pretty weird when you begin to notice how poorly people actually know themselves.

Chase

Greg-

Interesting tale - thanks for sharing. Yes, you can try to subjugate your needs and normal personality traits for the good of the relationship, although eventually "you" are going to burst back forth.

Sounds like this one was a great experience for you overall though, and indeed - those relationships where you finally get together after months or years of sexual tension can be some of the most explosively passionate at the outset, and they can lead to both partners falling very much in love very quickly.

You seem like you came out of it strained but not broken - you learned a lot without it turning you bitter. An FT/IN will be a lot of fun for you - that time, you'll get to take the lead.

Chase

Hi Anon,

It's very hard to remain in control when you're inexperienced, no matter how well-read you are or how solidly you think your boundaries are defined. Once you're actually out there playing, suddenly it's all happening fast, and you're riding on instinct for a while until your brain catches up enough that you're able to start tapping your knowledge banks of the things you've studied and learned and you're able to run more on logic than pure emotions and you start examining situations and recognizing where mistakes are happening and concocting a game plan you think you should use and execute on.

If you're still young, I probably wouldn't worry too much about settling down, unless you meet a really amazing girl right out of the gates and both of you rush into things. Even then... most of the time, one of you will have enough reservations that (and it might still be difficult) you part ways to grow in experience and learn what you really want first.

Chase

Hey M,

To be honest, I don't have a great deal of expertise in skin care... I have oily skin myself, which created some problems for me with pimples when younger, but lends itself to healthy-looking skin that ages well as you age.

My best recommendation would be, if your skin is oily, simply make sure you clean your face in the morning and at night so the pores don't get blocked up and become pimples; if it isn't as oily, add moisturizer to your skin and avoid smoking and too much sun exposure to keep it from aging prematurely.

Aside from that, if you have specific skin problems, you should probably see a doctor (if it's pimples, though, try a hot compress; these work wonders). I've looked at the research on various skincare products, and the findings seem to be that there's no permanent "anti-aging" effect from any skin product; the best these do is simply moisturize the skin and make it appear younger. Moral of the story is, don't put too much salt in the advertising in the skincare industry.

Chase

Thanks Derrick; just fixed.

Chase

Hey Anon-

That's a good question. For identifying early on, you can look for energy levels / enthusiasm / how reserved someone is or not... TRs tend to be more open and enthusiastic, while FTs tend to be more cautious and reserved. Experience-wise, INs are a bit more curious and "fresh," while EXes are rather more focused and "been there, done that"-like.

Attracting any of these types basically consists of adopting a type that they're most naturally attracted to. i.e., if you meet a girl who's TR/IN, if you act like an FT/EX she's going to run for cover, and if you act like another TR/IN she's not even going to notice you. But if you're a soft FT/IN, she may become excited and chase after you, or if you're a power-exuding TR/EX she may thrust herself upon you as a willing pupil and aspirant.

Conversely, if you meet an FT/IN, being a powerful TR/EX is going to terrify her into hiding, and she won't take note of you if you're another FT/IN. But if you're a TR/IN, she'll probably be checking you out shyly and hoping you'll approach, and if you're an FT/EX she'll think you're her soul mate the instant you look at her with your soft eyes.

LMR is both a product of her experience, and what role she wants you in in her life. e.g., if she's FT/IN, she doesn't know what she wants, and is likely to resist you no matter what. TR/INs are actually the least likely to resist, because they want to explore naturally and haven't learned to appear more ladylike by resisting more yet. FT/EXes and TR/EXes have learned to use LMR to increase their mate value, and will do so with you, unless they are certain they want to sleep with you AND certain you're someone they have no chance at a future with, in which case the LMR gets dropped.

Dominance and chase framing work especially well with the TRs, and relatively well with the FT/EXes. You need to dial these down a good bit with FT/INs to not make them feel overwhelmed and out of their element, however. An FT/EX enjoys these up to a point, but if it becomes too much for whatever her level of experience is, she'll begin to close off. TR/EXes have seen it all before, but they still enjoy it, since most men don't use these properly; TR/INs haven't seen it before, so it's doubly exciting for them - again, so long as they aren't overwhelmed (although their resistance to this is a bit higher than an FT/EX's).

Chase

Hi Anon,

Some pretty broad questions!

On 1), most women will tell you they prefer lean and toned. However, you'll notice that confident women respond with natural excitement to very big, bulky men. So I'd say, logically, it's lean and toned; viscerally / emotionally / sexually, it's big and bulky.

Not sure exactly what you mean combining meditation and dating, but you can use visualization while meditating to improve your results in dating, and this can be a great way of overcoming mental hangups you might have in the area.

On 3), I assume you mean clothing? I don't really go shopping much, and much of my clothing is custom made. However, when I look for new and interesting items, my first stop is always Guess... it's been the most consistent source of cool, trendy clothing out of any other clothing shop I've found, and compared to some of the higher end places, the prices aren't totally outrageous either. For dress shoes and dress/cowboy boots I like Aldo, and for sneakers it's Camper.

Chase

Anon-

Sure, this one's easy. You simply walk up to the girl, make eye contact, smile at her nicely, then, while holding eye contact, make a somewhat exaggerated hand gesture bringing your hands up to your ears, pretending to pull out your imaginary earbuds, and leave your hands hanging next to your head as you hold eye contact insistently in the "pulled out" gesture until she pulls her own earbuds out. Essentially, you're commanding her to take her earbuds out to listen to you. Once she does, you can start talking to her - usually you'll need to start with a direct opener here to make it relevant to having walked up and made a demand of her like this, although sometimes you might be able to find a situationally relevant reason.

Chase

Student-

I'm not much help on this one - I can honestly say I've never been to a yoga class in my life! So, I'm not sure what the opportunities to talk are there, or if the instructor is constantly giving orders and you have to remain quiet, or what. There was a short thread on it on the forums here:

Yoga

Ross has some advice there for the question asker - his main point is one of the things you'll be fighting is getting seen as the guy who's "just there to meet girls."

Chase

Hey Vaughn,

“Seeming intelligent” is a lot about the things you say / do in conversations, and your facial expressions. The more you look focused, the more intelligent you tend to look: zeroed-in eyes, clarity of speech, speaking less and either asking insightful questions or making insightful points when you do speak. Maturity’s related to this too… goofy / juvenile humor and behavior will get you labeled as “immature,” and if there’s too much of it people may assume you’re unintelligent, too. If you’re laid back, it could be facial expressions (e.g., lax / unfocused facial expressions rather than the sharp expressions perceived as intelligent and mature), could be things like how you laugh (certain kinds of laughs get pegged as “sounding dumb”)… could be a lot of things. I’d advise grabbing a couple of good friends and sitting down with them and saying, “Help me out, man, I’m trying to upgrade myself here. What about me makes me seem like I’m slow and immature?”

And as for the pictures on the site… they’re from stock photo sites ;)

Chase

Phil-

When it’s the girl’s friends who are being disruptive, don’t try to handle it yourself. Instead, ask her to handle it, like so:

“Anna, do you mind talking to Joey? He’s acting possessive and weird again.”

Don’t engage the guy, just keep asking the girl to deal with it. This does two things for you:

• It shifts the work of dealing with HER friend’s odd behavior over to her, instead of you having to deal with it, and
• It also shifts most of the annoyance over to her too, because she’s the one who’s having to deal with everything and figure it out

Ultimately, instead of his behavior annoying you the most, it begins annoying HER the most and starts becoming a burden to her. That’s the only way she either tells him to knock it off for good, or she starts winding down the amount of time she spends around him.

Chase

Funman,

Not female friends specifically, but one on friends (male and female) here:

How to Make Friends? The Master Key to New Friendships

You'll find that, at least with platonic female friends, it's very much the same making them as it is with males, and the rules in the post apply to both. The only discernible difference is you can be a bit more touchy and flirty with female friends, but otherwise it's completely the same.

Chase

Cool to hear it, Tayo! Now that you've made the transition, it's a good bet you could end up with a bunch more FT/EXes like that... but this time, most of those problems will be ancient history.

Chase

Hey Student-

Depends on how you’re inclined to think and feel about things, but for most guys you want to have logistics generally planned out, but don’t plan it out more than that. Just know “I’ll talk to her for one hour here, then move her here and talk for another hour, then take her back home here.” Getting too detailed can mess with your head, so best normally just to have a logistical skeleton to flesh a seduction out on.

Talking to a girl over the course of the week… if you’re in school, this might work. Again, I’m really not the one to ask about high school game – while I was certainly good at getting attention and making a name for myself, I was sitting at a table by myself during high school, rather than macking on babes. Generally I’d advise not to go into connecting with a girl at all until you’re ready to close things out with her and take her to bed… but, maybe there are different rules in high school; it simply isn’t in my area of expertise (and it’s a little late for me to go back and get that expertise, too ;). If that’s working for your friend, I’d suggest sitting down with him to pick his brain a little more and figure out exactly how he sets things up and what kinds of results that gets him.

On email, I stopped offering email coaching packages simply because I felt like the rate I was going to have to charge to make it worth doing was plainly and simply going to be too high for most people. Ricardus is still available via email coaching – we have a 2-email / $100 package up for him (that’s here if interested). His students tend to get some pretty solid results – worth checking out if you want some hands-on guidance.

Aside from that, we have a “Journals” board on the forum that you can use for chronicling your adventures, and if you’re regularly meeting new women you can write up reports for that on the “Field Reports” board and get feedback and critique from other members. Have a look at those – you may just find what you’re looking for.

Chase

Hey James-

We had a discussion going on on the forums about exactly this:

When do I tell her I have kids?

The general consensus of the guys there (and I agree) is if you’re not planning on it being something serious, don’t tell her, as it isn’t relevant.

Although, if you’re looking for something more long term, that’s where it gets sticky. I think the two schools of thought on that are:

• Tell her on Date #1, just as you’re talking about your life, and make it not a big deal, or
• Sleep with her first, then tell her

I haven’t done this one myself, so I don’t know. Talking about kids is a different variable to throw in, and the reaction you get likely depends on you, her, your age, and her age (e.g., if you’re 40 and telling a 40 year old you’ve got kids, I don’t expect she’ll be all that shocked; if you’re 22 and telling another 22 year old though, she might be surprised).

I’d probably go with not mentioning it at all, and treat all relationships as if they’re going to be casual. If you end up wanting something more serious with her later, sit down with her then and tell her, “Look, we’re starting to get more serious, which I kinda wasn’t expecting. Anyway, I like you, and I dig you, but I don’t want to have anything here where there are differing expectations or whatever. So, I figured I should tell you I have a son/daughter… I don’t think it affects things all that much, but if we do end up being serious you should probably know.”

Of course, if you’re living with your child, that makes things a bit different, and then you probably do need to tell on Date #1. Otherwise, I’d save that for only the situations where a casual relationship starts turning serious, and then just handle it in a very calm, matter-of-fact, not-a-big-deal way.

Chase

Curiosity-

Well, that depends on what you want. Me, I have a personal philosophy of “never go back, unless you want to get mired in the past,” but then again, I’m probably more hardcore about this stuff than most people are. I’d say if you have options with women and girls to replace her that are as good / better than her, then leave her be and let her have her relationship.

My general feeling on taking girls back is, don’t do it unless you’re ready to give her whatever it is she wanted but didn’t get before. For a girl, the older she gets, the lower quality man she can get, so if you’ve tried her out once and it failed, don’t make her spend more time on you again unless you’re certain that you’re now ready to give her whatever it was she wants that she didn’t get the first time around. There are plenty of other women you can meet, and you can let her be free to go find a man who’ll give her what she wants.

Otherwise, there’s a good chance you end up wasting her time, lowering her market value further, and depressing her efforts to find and land a good man.

Remember, if she’s coming back to you, it’s with hope that things are going to be different this time. I’d recommend not taking her back unless you can make sure they are.

You’ll learn a lot more by shedding the past and bringing a lot more new women into your life than you will by revisiting the girlfriends of Christmases past, in any event ;)

Chase

Hey Richard,

Yeah, it's an interesting one, huh?

On stubble, check out this article:

Facial Hair Styles to Make You Look Cool Sharp and Sexy

... there's actually research in there about what women find attractive stubble-wise. The theory is, a male looks older and more testosterone-fueled and dominant with facial hair (facial hair's largely a product of testosterone - so, a clean shaven man looks boyish, while a stubbled or bearded one looks like a powerful, sexual man).

On messy hair, it's essentially that the guy didn't have time to spend a lot of time styling it. I'm not sure if this is inborn or cultural; it's probably cultural. If your hair is neat and perfectly done, it looks like you have a lot of free time and you're trying very hard to look good. If it's messy, not so much. There may also be a subtle sexual cue... look at your hair after sex sometime, and it's probably about as sexy as it'll get. Look at a girl's after sex, and you'll notice it's a wild mane of really sexy-looking hair as well. Wild hair may be a sexual cue that announces, "I am sexually active," which can serve as an invitation (in the case of women's wild hair) or an announcement of being preselected by women (in the case of a man's wild hair).

On showering - I've got a post coming up on colognes, scents, and body odor, and you should find some answers on that one in there. Keep tuning in...

Chase

John-

Thanks! I hope so too... ;)

Thoughts on men who are FT/EX - well, depends what kinds of thoughts you mean, but personally, I like them! They make great, solid, loyal employees, friends, and partners - you don't need to spend much time coaching them on whatever it is they need to do, you can just throw them at things and trust them to do a good job. They're a lot less likely to peel off and go do their own things and you have to train someone else later too, because they like security, and if they can find somewhere that they feel secure and satisfied and they're getting their needs met, they're generally content.

In terms of whom you date, a TR/EX girl will make you feel alive, while an FT/IN girl makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Which one you prefer probably depends on where you're at with your life... e.g., if everything's going great and you're in need of some adventure, you'll probably lean TR/EX. If things are bumpier and you'd like some tranquility and peace, you'll prefer FT/IN. But, when things change, so will your preferences... though, I guess that's life, huh?

Chase

Glad to hear it, Anon! Hopefully the TR/EX and FT/IN descriptions help you target those active girls better and snag them more easily... :)

Chase