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Ever find yourself out somewhere, talking to a girl you've just met, and suddenly, inexplicably, have her begin to act superior? As though she knows exactly what you want, sees you through and through, and holds it within her power to give it to you... or not?
Or, every find yourself alone with a woman who earlier acted very interested in you, touching you, flirting with you, only to have her begin to behave rudely and aloof once the two of you were alone, telling you things outright like you couldn't have her or that she only wanted you as a friend?
Why do girls do this?
That is, why do girls show interest, lead a guy on... and then suddenly turn the tables, run what seems to be a power play like this, and throw the guy's interest back in his face?
Is it to feel juiced up and powerful?
Is it that they really don't know what they want?
Actually, for most women, their intent is far less nefarious than it may at first seem. They aren't trying to trick you, toy with your emotions, or take you for a ride... usually.
But if you want to have this stop happening, and you want to avoid having women suddenly act superior, rude, and aloof where they'd formerly been warm, friendly, and flirty, you need to know a little about what brings this on, what you can do to avoid it, and how to deal with it when it shows up.
Comments
Optimistic
Chase,
"And much of the time when that girl's acting all hoity-toity, she's really hoping you're going to realize it's just a game, and that you'll be the guy who doesn't get bitter like all those other guys and break through."
You have also written that girls are silly and cute, seeing with the vast majority of women i see and needs to see more, and also the epicness of them trying to suddenly turn the game on you like "We just friends" but keep letting you do your thing to her, I have also seen lots of uncool and cynical women destroy friendships in social circles to protect and preserve what is before/structured. I don't know what's your thoughts about that though, i am sure everyone plays games in this dating game but i have also seen girls exceeding it, to a point where no one wins.
I am sure you are wary things like this do happen sometimes.
Zac
Big Worlds and Small Worlds
Zac-
A man's reaction to these things usually comes down to how "big picture" his thinking is and how big his world is in general. i.e., when you're locked into ONE social circle, and that's the only circle you're locked into, a girl raging a path of destruction for you socially and nuking your reputation is life-or-death. But, when a man swings by for whom that social circle is irrelevant, he can look at that same girl and think she's cute as a button, and laugh at her "destruction" of some guy's position in a social circle.
I suppose you'd really say it comes down to what you have to lose. The less you have to lose, the more any given person can affect you. The more you have to lose, the more any given person can affect you.
So, if you and I each know a girl, but I've got a lot more to lose that she can affect (emotions, reputation, business, money, etc.) than you do, to me, any actions against those things seem dire and evil, but to you, anything she tries like that just looks silly... she can't actually affect you.
This is part of the reason why I don't bother much with social circles. Most people seem like they waste inordinate amounts of their lives stressing and striving and struggling and scheming over the most petty little things in their social circles that nobody outside those circles will ever care about, and that likely won't even matter a couple of months after the issue is resolved.
When your world is small, little things look big.
When your world is big, even big things look little.
Big things look scary. Little things, though, just look cute.
Women like men who treat them like the things they do are little things, because it's a sign the man's world is big, which is a universal sign to humans the world over that this man has a lot more going on than the men with little worlds.
Chase
Perhaps you are right but
Perhaps you are right but maybe thanks to you, i have more opportunities. I can see the girls who are cynical and uncool as girls i can sleep with but never long term. At least that's how i see it.
Because i feel that i see a lot of things, and i have lots of experience, and i see those things, i will not say that it's not true because like you, who mention that you have empathy, and you need to cut more of that, i do feel the same feeling of the person who had been affected. It's not about losing how much, i get it, i just don't like people to get that, especially people who are indeed my friends.
But yea, it also helps me to know also which girl i want to spend time more often too.
Zac
Cynical Girls
It's an interesting philosophical debate.
In the West, women tend to hit a point between about ages 26 and 30 or so where they've accumulated a lot of baggage from past relationships and tend to have a lot of self-destructive or fatalistic behavior in their relationships at this age. They also have their worst views of men at this age, generally.
When they're younger, they think, "Men are great! They love me, and think I'm wonderful, and treat me like a princess..."
When they hit that cynical-ish age, they start thinking, "Men are DOGS! All they want is sex, and they don't care who they hurt to get it, or what lies they have to tell, or what dreams they have to trample on. They're all soulless sex demons... the scourge of women everywhere! Oh, where have the good men gone?!"
Then, usually, around 30 or so, they come out on the other end saying, "You know what? Men are just men. You take them for what they are, appreciate them for what they are, and don't place any unrealistic expectations upon them beyond what they are, and you can be happy enough with them."
Sometimes you'll find younger women or older women who are trapped in a "cynical" period, whether it's about men and dating or humanity in general or whatever it is. But me, when I meet these girls, it never seems like the cynicism lasts all that long. They want just as much as anybody else to meet a man who proves them wrong and is the exception to what they think are the rules, and if you do, and you touch their hearts, those hearts melt a little.
You might also be referring to women with softer or more naive worldviews... the girls who haven't experienced as much of the world and still think it's a beautiful, romantic place. Most people go through transition periods of innocence => disillusionment => acceptance about any number of different things, including dating and romance and the opposite sex. So I might say you mean that you prefer either the women who are in the innocence stage or the acceptance stage, and want to steer clear of the women in the disillusionment stage.
Chase
happiness is a virtue
Hi chase,
I think you hit the nail on the head with me. I definitely think I'm trapped in the cynical period. Meaning that it's the same thing I don't find fault with men as I love company good warm people. It's just I don't understand society and pick and chose people. Well you have great insights. Hopefully we can all lighten up and find wealth in wanting companionship. I think I
Overall that is what everyone wants is togetherness.
How to go from here
Hi Chase!
This is a great article! I've always wondered about this and its great to see it in writing. Reading this reminded me of something that happened yesterday. I had went to go eat with a girl in the dining commons at my university and I basically did everything I usually do such as validation, deep diving, etc. She seemed to take it well. After I walked back with her, I suggested that we might go out for coffee. At this point she got a bit flustered and said that it was a great idea and that she would bring her friend too. At this point, should I take it as a friendzone? The reason I ask is that this is a foreign asian girl and I am not that familiar if their actions have the same interpretation as american girls. thanks!!
Flustered Girl
Jack-
There's some difference. It depends how integrated she is with the local culture or not. Foreign girls who integrate with Western cultures tend to acclimate fast, but if they stick to their peer group they'll tend to remain closed off. Aside from some naivety because of coming from less sexualized cultures, though, most Asian girls aren't really any different from Western girls. Usually, knock off 6 or 7 years, experience-wise; a 22 year old Asian girl fresh from Asia is something like a 16 year old American girl, in terms of her experience with men and thoughts about love and relationships.
Here, it simply sounds like too much waiting / too much pressure / not asking her out on a high note. The best time to ask her out is when the conversation is flowing great, ideally during lunch. If she's expecting it then, and it doesn't happen, asking her later after expectation builds and builds and it gets weirder and weirder just starts to feel uncomfortable.
There also might be a country effect. In Taiwan, for instance, just about every girl you ask out wants to bring a friend along. It's really bizarre. Guys I've talked to who spent longer periods of time have told me that Taiwanese are just used to doing everything in groups, and you've simply got to break them out of it. I haven't really seen any other countries like this though, and I traveled around quite a bit in Asia.
Most likely, she just felt uncomfortable because there was too much buildup before the ask and it didn't happen at the natural time for it to happen, so she defused that tension by saying she'd bring along a friend.
If you've already committed to that, you can always bring a guy friend along and tell him you're going to hook him up with a girl, or you can flake on the date and cancel the day of and try to get her out just her another time. Your call, though if she's experienced / conservative, the first one might be the best option. Then just go on the date, be chill, be sexy, end it first after a few hours or you have some good times / good conversations, and she'll be comfortable enough with you to meet you up one-on-one next time.
Chase
Never get mad!
Yeah, I learnt this the hard way a long time ago.
I got mad at a girl who flaked on a date with me. Screaming and yelling like a little kid at her. Obviously I never got the girl.
Lessons learned. Lessons applied.
Great piece, Chase.
Mágico
Mágico
Wink
Girls are silly ;)
I should of read this article sooner, had a perfect chance to use it today!
If a girl that has known me for a while and who I'm not interested in tries to put me down in-front of a group for whatever reason would you recommend ignoring it? Laughing it off and ending the discussion? Walking away? Or intense eye contact?
I understand I have to make these choices on the fly depending on the circumstances.
- Knight
Knight, I am a girl and I
Knight,
I am a girl and I say do a bit of both: try to sort of laugh it off if it's not too accusatory and if it is then try to turn it around and tease her about it maybe bringing out to light some flaw of hers in a gentle way, so that she knows you are a man enough and can put her in her own place. Just be somewhat gentle about it. She will think twice before opening her mouth next time.
Also, be very nonchalant about the whole thing, like it's not a huge deal, try to make a joke or something. Depending on a situation you can also excuse yourself and walk away too. This way she will be deprived of your company and will not be able to power trip. That will teach her a lesson as well. But if you do that, make sure it is understood that you are doing it not because you are trying to escape the uncomfortable situation you cannot control, but because you are too cool for this sort of games and will not put up with them cause they are boring to you and you have better things to do.
Do not do intense eye contact, there is no reason for that. I think in general intense eye contact implies that you are hurt deeply/very affected by her remark and that is the very last thing you want her to think. She needs to know that you are too cool for her power tripping escapades and that you don't take them to heart. The less affected you appear to be by the whole ordeal the better. No matter what - stay cool.
wall
Thanks for the reply Wallflower,
I'll take this information on. Its a strange situation to be in sometimes.
Women who Tease
Knight
I have someone like her in my social circle and she's no problem for me anymore after finding my answer what I had to do on the boards.
I recommend you checking out this thread on the boards :
http://www.girlschase.com/boards/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=685&p=5068&hilit=ca...
Generally, play it cool. Not intense eye contact. If she says something to tease you and If you want to bring it into her attention that what she did was not cool/ok, You can look at her and say : "What?!" or "So?!!" to redirect the challenge back to her.
Read this article as well by Ross : How to stop Judgemental people from judging you :
http://www.girlschase.com/content/make-judgmental-people-stop-judging-yo...
Cheers
-Ali
Ali
Thanks Ali. :)
SUPERIOR, RUDE, ALOOF BANTER
Chase, you're like Barry Bonds out on the field! minus the routines, & pre-planned pickup dialogue (steriods).
very ironic that this topic came up, i've been recently thinking of couter measures to this response from women. what do you think about some playful banter such as this:
(woman ignores you, in a playful mood respond with a smirk/small smile)
so what's your deal? are you deaf, mute, or just plain anti-social?
thanks for your response.
"What's Your Deal?"
King Sincere-
Well, you want to be careful with that kind of thing - you want to avoid anything that possibly makes you sound bitter / frustrated. The moment that happens, you're out.
This is one you'll see occasionally, and you've basically got to break her out of that mode of smiling and letting her attention drift off casually. You can't be bitter, combative, or start talking about why she isn't talking at all, or else you've just inadvertently committed her to not talking now. What I've found to work best in these situations is launching into some kind of protracted, unusual gambit to poke fun at her not talking. You typically need humor.
This is either me telling her, "Let me see that?" about a piece of jewelry she has on, and then making some kind of humorous statement about it like, "You know, my grandmother had a bracelet like this. She used to wear it every day. It got caught in a piece of farm equipment one day... I guess the moral of the story is, bracelets like this are good for clubs, but not so good for farms." Then stare at her and wait for her response.
Or telling some kind of a joke, starting very abruptly (imagine George Clooney or Ryan Reynolds sitting there for a moment with a smile after the girl doesn't answer, and then suddenly launching into:), "So a man walks into a bar. Brings a giraffe with him. The giraffe lies down. The man has a drink, pays for it, then turns to go. The bar owner calls out after the man, who by this point is partway through the doorway out, and gestures at the giraffe on the ground. 'Hey,' he says, 'you can't leave that lyin' here.' The man turns around, annoyed. 'That's no lion,' he says, 'that's a giraffe!'"
Then just hold eye contact and watch what she does.
Basically, when she doesn't respond, just keep launching into outrageous things until she either leaves, tells you to knock it off, or bursts out laughing and immediately becomes very attracted.
Chase
Chase I have a question,
Chase I have a question, though not directly related to this topic.
My question is, how do you get back together with a girl without "gifting" yourself or being too stern as in "ok but we have to have some rules", how do you do it correctly ? ( I know you always say to forget about one girl and move on but sometimes a girl really is worth it)
Well basically the question is, how do you accept a girl correctly when she decides she does want to be with you, and wasn't before for whatever reason, she was confused, like you and another guy etc.
I know most of the time you should just drop the girl and move on, but in my experience I HAVE seen couples that break up, separate, date others for a while and then get back together and they DO enjoy each other and are happy, but it still is really pretty rare, nonetheless when I see these couples and see how they are they actually do get back together for the better.
Anyways, sorry for getting off topic for a bit but basically the question is, how do accept a girl back without gifting yourself ? I hope you can get back to me on this as you have ignored other questions of mine haha ): :-P but this one has been killing me for a while, anyways cheers !
Taking Her Back
Hi Anon-
The whole key is coming back skeptically. Since she left, she needs to chase coming back. You can tell her you're not sure, you need some time, etc. You can give her a trial period: "Let's try it for a couple of weeks, and see how it is. We'll reassess after." She basically just has to know she's on parole.
And at first, you can't be all gushy to have her back, either. She needs to be gushing a lot more than you do... otherwise, you'll likely be in for a repeat performance (her suddenly getting confused and needing time off again to go try another man on for size for a while, while you hang out as her reliable backup option in case she ends up deciding she doesn't like that guy all that much either).
You'd also do well to set some relationship "ground rules" that are more favorable to you. i.e., things you would've liked to have changed about the relationship the first time around - now you're in the position to say, "Okay, if we're going to think about getting back together again, here's what I need."
Chase
Hi Chase, What are your
Hi Chase,
What are your thoughts on (sexy)sitting and standing poses in the bar?
Sexy Positions
Hi Anon-
I think they're great!
Chase
Experience before reading the concept
This is perfect, because I experienced this before reading this.
She was flirting with me so hard and even got me turned on, so I blamed her for it and told her "she had to handle my problem..."
I got her to come with me to a private area without forcing her (touching her, even... She came only by my smirk and eye contact, and then me continually moving to the spot) all the while she told me, "I was kidding, I'm all talk, we shouldn't be doing this"...
I questioned her whenever she said these things while kissing her up, but the only one thing I didn't do was ask her, "then what SHOULD we be doing" whenever she would say, "we shouldn't..."
I think the most interesting thing for me was how all the while I faced these objections, YOUR BLOG Chase, ran through my head like a computerized database. Even though I wasn't experienced in this AT ALL, I knew how to handle it anyway. Thanks a lot
- Isa
Database
Isa-
Cool to hear you were able to plug stuff in like that and make it work even in the face of inexperience. Yes, asking, "What SHOULD we be doing?" is such a powerful brain hack for random resistance. It asks the girl to either get logical, or stop resisting and just go with what she's actually feeling.
I guess you know which one usually happens... :)
Chase
Girl at gym flirty, then rude
I really liked your article and recently had a bit of trouble with this myself.
At my gym there is a really cute girl that I've seen almost everyday since I've been working out. That's almost 7 months now.
We've never really talked, but have exchanged smiles, and a few glances. Most of the time I've seen her looking at me in the mirrors when she thinks I can't.
I really didn't know much about her aside her name and the times she works out, which is usually the same time as me.
We've never talked, aside from a hello or bye. Nor has she ever talked to any other guy there. They won't even approach her.
The other day, I noticed that me and her left some comments and likes on the gym's face book wall. I got to see her profile, found out she was single, and we had a lot in common.
I thought it would be a good idea to send her a message and introduce myself. Just a simple "Hello, how are you?" type deal.
I didn't hear back from her, but I saw that she read it.
She then took my message, and posted it on her wall, making fun of me in front of all her friends.
While she didn't put my name on it, it was my message and it made me very upset. I also thought it was very disrespect of her to do that since we hardly know one another and I was trying to break the ice.
After which, I've been avoiding her at the gym, seeing how upset she made me. I actually haven't seen her really in a few weeks now. I'm done with my workout before she arrives.
So after reading this article, it makes me wonder if she was doing that to see if I could deal with her, or was she just being mean?
Is this real life bro? This
Is this real life bro? This chick is batshit, I agree, but I'm not that surprised...First of all, if you see her regularly, why would you text her on facebook instead of opening her in real life?
That just screams "I don't have the balls to talk to you in real life".
Cool move but not worth it?
"About 60% of the time when I open this way, the girl never says or does anything, and nothing happens. She ignores me; I ignore her; and we each go about our nights."
Yeah, that move sounds very cool indeed, yet if it loses 60% of girls who WERE interested in you... That's the definition of a Pyrrhic victory, you showed her who's cooler yet you have now both lost.
Need Your Help Chase
Okey so there is this top model of our school,and she is really into me etc we went out for the first date everything went cool etc,then we keept speaking etc nothing changed until this week,she started not pming me and i asked her out she said yeah sure i will let you know if i am free on tuesday or not,then tuesday came and no answer nothing,i diden't write her 3 days just not to drop the status but i think i did a mistake,anyways i wana break a few points that shes still into me
1.When she closed the facebook she could have just not tell me and go away straightly,she pmed me told me for anything you have my number i am closing my facebook.
2.She gave me her number and added me on whatsapp and viber.
I diden't pm her a few days how should i react when i pm her,should i be rude?should i ask her what happened,or should i play it cool,because i just wanted to relate to this if i seem angry shes gona think i am like the other guys angry and out of controle i think shes playing somekind of game to test me,please if you could help it would be much appreciated man i really need your help.
I am not fond of reinforcing
I am not fond of reinforcing bad behavior by playing the so called "Game". If a person that I am vetting for a friendship or for a relationship decides to put me in an awkward position (acting aloof/ superior to another persons detriment) in order to raise there social status or raise any other part of themselves then they are simply not worth my time or attention. Be the best version of yourself and expect other people to rise above their own ego and treat you well. This article does not really apply to individuals that have higher expectations for a person in regards to truly understanding themselves and how their actions/ words interact with the people are close.
I agree, this guy basically
I agree, this guy basically will accept shitty behavior from women just to sleep with them.
Mind Games are for Losers...
Whenever a girl decides to start playing those ridiculous games and whenever she acts rude or superior, that's the point where I simply stop talking to her, read her messages but don't respond, or simply tell her to go fuck herself. I'm a guy who has ZERO tolerance for disrespect towards me. And when a dumb chick decides to simply ignore me or act like a twat, that's when I won't even bother.
I see no point in wasting my time on girls like that.
Why Waste Your Energy on This?
I guess if you're desperate for sex with random (and probably largely trashy) girls, you can play these games. But you are basically modifying your own behavior to placate someone else.
Why?
Overall sounds pretty weak to me. Girls aren't inherently immature and full of themselves like you describe here. It's just that some of the more selfish ones and ones who have nothing else going for them except their looks exploit that for their own ego or to use guys for things. It's not a "natural" or "healthy" state of affairs. It's a learned behavior, and unfortunately one that's condoned and catered to by too many desperate guys (like yourself).
Go to any non-westernized country (China, central Africa, Eurasia), and you will meet plenty of sweet girls who don't try to pull this crap, which as far as I'm concerned is a lot more attractive than the typical white American gIrl entitlement. Not that there aren't "good girls" in the US, but not really any I've met that are decently attractive, because once they even start to approach "average" looks, they look at what all their friends can get away with (e.g. don't say thank you when someone holds the door for you, don't acknowledge and say hi to anyone at work) and become selfish/entitled themselves.
Basically, find a typical guy and girl in terms of looks, and see who contributes more in social interactions, who is nicer, and who has a more pleasant/friendly disposition. Pretty much always the guy, at least among college-educated millennials in the US. Doesn't seem fair to me.
Hi guys, I came across this
Hi guys, I came across this and just had to comment. I am a young American male who has been living in the Philippines now for about 3 years. The women here in the Philippines do not even compare to the women in the states. They are on another fucking planet entirely, in every aspect imaginable. They are so much better than women in the USA, that when I go home once a year for the holidays, I don't even bother with sex anymore, I just literally wait until I get back to the Philippines, because I've become spoiled living here for so long to the point that American women have become just totally unattractive to me.
Anyway... I just had the BITCHIEST, most STUCK UP cunt imaginable talk to me online. Shes a filipina! She acted JUST like the girls in the USA, and it reminded me of how much I hate them! I asked her out to this bar and she simply said "Enjoy :)", like WTF??? probably expecting me to respond with a limp dick beta reply like "... is that a yes... or... ??" . well guess what I did? Cursed her out like the bitch that she is! This chick literally acts super stuck up because of her looks, and probably because no guys ever call her out on it (the filipino men here are extremely gentle and polite about these sorts of things), she feels like it's totally ok to act like a cunt around men!
So yea, I went off on her... and it's the first time I went off on a girl in a long time, since most of the local filipinas here are so incredibly sweet and friendly! And it made me realize something... this filipina bitch was acting JUST like most of the american women I gamed when I was living in the states all my life! She had that same kind of "holier than thou" attitude about EVERYTHING... but guess what? HERES THE DIFFERENCE-
In the states, you HAVE to play that game, because its so common. Literally every chick does shit like this! But in the Philippines, or any non-western country, the women are COMPLETELY different. No mind games, no stuck-up BS, no "negging" or whatever the fuck its called... its a breath of fresh air, and honestly, I'm incredibly grateful for it.
So, yea... after I tore this bitch a new asshole, I realized that the only reason I responded with confrontation, and didn't "play along" with it like I used to, is because Im banging so many filipinas here that it doesnt matter. People talk about "abundance mentality", well lemme tell you the Philippines is a god damn abundance mentality cheat code. Any white or light skinned guy that comes here gets poon so easy he wont be able to wipe the smile off his face for days. For any fellow black dudes reading this I hear that they crush it in South America. The point is this - YOU DONT HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THE COUNTRY YOU WERE BORN IN. You can go to another country, probably a less-developed one, and for the inconveniences you'll have to learn to deal with, like shitty internet, and terrible traffic, you will be rewarded with the finest, sweetest poon tang in all of the land.
(and it won't come with any BS pretentiousness either).
Now go fourth, my brothers, and conquer with thou dick!!!
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