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Today’s article will focus on three different forms of touch for use in similar situations (mostly as greetings... hello and goodbye):
With each tactic, we’ll look at when these work best, when they can backfire, how exactly to use them, and what their pros and cons are.
So get yourself into a touchy-feely mood and let’s get to it.
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Comments
I was just thinking about this!
Hey Chase,
Perfect timing. I was working on my touch with women lately and here it is, what the doctor ordered ;)
I experienced some interesting situations:
1. Girls giving me a side look as I touched their forearm as I thanked them
2. Girls who incidentally moved away as I reached out to touch them.
Ex. She lifts up her coffee cup as I reached for her hand when she's not facing me.
3. And of course, the creating distance after touch scenario
I wonder what all of these do in terms of rationalization and precedent.
Re: About girls who need warming up
Tell if a girl likes you, check her walls
Walls, when women have walls, what can do we do?
A sample anecdotal interaction after approach dealing with this situation would be great!
Thanks bro,
Lawliet
Reread my comment
Re: Warming up
I'm referring to your example in "Things you didn't know Chasing article".
You said the girl didn't chase, you didn't chase. So you kept intriguing her, until she broke the momentum and started chasing (asking you, digging deeper).
How do we warm girls up like that? Ones who start out as neutral and not chasing to interest or reaching hook point and asking questions which led us to baiting (intrigue more)?
An example would be great!
Lawliet
Touch Weirdness, Walls, Intrigue
Lawliet-
If you’re getting strange looks or women moving away or creating distance, it means something about your touch feels “off” to them. It either doesn’t seem sincere, or you’re doing something funny in how you’re moving to touch them.
Check out these articles for discussions on dealing with walls of various forms:
As for building intrigue, see these:
And getting women to chase you – that’s what the whole site is about! There’s no specific “make her chase you” technique; chasing happens when she decides, based on your game + your fundamentals + her preferences, that you’re a man she must acquire, and is willing to put work in to.
Chase
Secret lover
Hey bro,
One more thing, how do we smoothly inject the "I like to keep things low key so you can you and I can be me" in the first date conversation given she doesn't text in front of you?
I tried talking about it after bringing up relationships.
Terrible and unneedingly heft on her. Also, it sets wrong expectations too.
What do you think?
Thanks,
Lawliet
Awesome
Your article are so awesome :) I wait for every new article
Attraction
Hi Chase, hope your well.
I have one question and that is you've explained how the different methods effect comfort and attain ability but how do they effect (or is it affect?) attraction?
Regards
Flames
Long time no see
Hey Flames,
I only hear stories about you but never seen you. Glad to see you around again!
Lawliet
Effect on Attraction
Flames-
Good to see you ‘round!
These depend mightily on how you employ them.
For instance, a lot of guys hug girls in kind of a friendly platonic bear hug way. When you hug her that way, there’s an attraction loss, because a more sexual man won’t squander a hug opportunity like this – he’ll either make the hug sexy, or he’ll refrain from hugging and preserve his mystique.
If you want a value boost out of a hug, a handclasp, or putting your arm around her shoulders, it’s important that you do it in a sexual way. Say, you hug her, but stare into her eyes as you do and create a lot of tension, as if you’re deciding whether to kiss her or not. Then you break the hug and tell her you’ll see her around. That’s a marked attraction boost, and in a wholly different category from the friendly bear hug “I hug my grandma this way too” variety.
Same for handclasp and arm-on-shoulders. Handclasp is probably the toughest one to mess up, simply because it’s clearly something you’ll only do as the male taking authority over the female (you won’t hold a man’s hand that way, and you won’t do it with a woman you consider to be on “equal footing” with you… you’ll use a handshake for women like this). Arm-on-shoulders is somewhere between handclasp and hug, in that it’s immediately more sexual, but there’s still some risk of it being buddy-buddy if you aren’t also staring at her, smiling sexily at her, wrapping your arm around her in a sensual way, etc.
So long as you work to avoid being friendly and instead communicate sexual intent with every gesture, you’ll have the right effect on attraction.
Chase
handclasp
thing is how do you do the handclasp though? when you first meet them, they would usually extend their hand expecting a handshake. Are you supposed to just clasp it from below?
I was wondering about the
I was wondering about the same thing.
I've always had the same
I've always had the same doubt too. I've tried the handclasp before, but it usually feels awkward and morphs into a handshake. The hand clasp apears to me more of a romantic gesture popular among the aristocracy and less of a PUA technique.
How to Avoid the Handshake
Jason (and others)-
Best if you’re the first to offer your hand, which, if you’re doing it immediately upon opening, you usually can be. When you’re extending your hand palm up at the correct angle (thumb pointing toward her, fingers slanted almost perpendicular with her), she will typically grasp your fingers in a lady-like way.
Another aspect to this is to make sure you’re physically close to her – if you are standing out in space / way out in the polite zone people stick to usually when they meet someone new, it will feel more natural for her to extend her arm out to meet you, and that’s a handshake. Get close and a handshake feels “off” because she won’t be able to extend her arm much. The handclasp becomes the more natural greeting.
If a woman beats you to the punch and extends her hand in handshake fashion, just take her fingers from the side (as if you were about to shake her hand, then stopped about halfway down her fingers), ignoring her thumb, and pull them toward you, twisting your hand so that your palm is up and hers is down. As you do, she’ll let you bring her hand toward you and twist it around so that it’s now a handclasp. And you have shattered here “let’s start this off on neutral business footing” attempt, which will either delight her or make her feel uncomfortable, depending on what she wants with you!
Chase
First Dates
Hi Chase,
I've been greeting a lot of the girls I go on first dates with via a hug. I'm somewhat muscular, but not so much that I'm intimidating, and I'm pretty average height.
Additionally, these are girls I either cold approached or met via online dating. So I've spent very little or no time with them in the past. I've heard some girls say that a guy who tries to hug them the first time they meet via online dating is off putting to them,
Would you recommend that I continue using hug as a greeting?
Hugs on First Dates
Anon-
Hard for me to be an accurate judge of that without knowing how you interact with women, but here’s a rough guideline:
If you have a very warm, talkative, energetic style, hugs probably work really well for you and it’s good to do them.
If you have a somewhat more reserved, intrigue-based, strong-silent style, hugs will not work as well and you’d do better with a handclasp.
Anything you hear women complain that they don’t like, it’s good to keep in mind that this is always conditional. Generally, if a girl says she hates [X], what she’s actually telling you is she hates it when guys do [X] that she doesn’t like doing [X] to her, but there are also some guys who do [X] to her and those are the only guys she wants doing [X] to her because when those guys do it she adores it.
Chase
Hey Chase, I think im getting old lol,
I 've had decent success with women over the years mostly party girls. Didnt need much back in day but a decent outfit, money for drinks or whatever else they wanted to indulge in, and maybe some hotel fee and I was good to go most of the time.
Now as im pushing 38 its way more miss then it is hit. Got laid last week by this chick that had been giving me the runaround for weeks and was actually kinda shocked she finally gave in, smh.
So yeah I dont if its my age, DC gentrification, or the fact that I refuse to wear skinny jeans, but it seems im running into a lot of chicks that wanna flirt and party on my dime, but leave a dude high and dry. Dont know what it is but I seem to be drawing these chicks to me at an alarming rate. So yeah I dont know but its
something im really trying to get use to.
Getting Old, Losing Touch?
Brian-
You might need to shake up your game a bit to better fit your age.
It’s certainly possible to use the “pay for stuff for them” angle and have it work well, but especially when you’re older it becomes increasingly important to take on a father/mentor/teacher/authority role as you do it; you’re basically paying for them because they’re little and poor and you’ve got money to burn, and at the same time you’re flirting with these cute little girls and gradually picking them up.
Another thing I’d be wary of with this type of game is not escalating fast enough; all the guys I know who run “pay for stuff” game are extremely touchy and sexual and get their arms around girls quickly – maybe you’re doing this too, though if you aren’t you might want to mix that piece in. If you are, and you’re pretty sure you’re being sufficiently touchy and sexual, then it’s safe to look elsewhere for adjustments.
I’d suggest starting by checking out these two articles:
Plus this one for an alternative paying strategy:
(also, fashion can be a part of it – you don’t have to wear skinny jeans, but it is important to make sure you look sharp, and not too dated. Old fashion can be done well, just make sure your clothes fit well and don’t scream “not with it” or anything like that)
Chase
Do you
Do you do your eyebrows, chase? Haha!
Eyebrows
Brows-
I do not.
Though if you're going for your absolute best possible look, it may be advisable to. Eyebrows can have a big effect on the look of your face.
Only reason I don't personally is it isn't worth the frequent trips to salons to maintain for me, and plucking your own eyebrow hairs is far too painful and far too tedious, in my opinion, to be worth spending time on (not to mention the red, tender skin you get after). If there was a quick, easy, convenient, relatively pain- and irritation-free way to do this though, I'd start experimenting with it in a heartbeat, and see if nice sculpted eyebrows had any impact on my looks, or if in fact women preferred my untended caveman brows.
Chase
Touching on dates
Hi chase, you don't hold hands with her walking down the street, how do you maintain touch with her as walking together, sitting down, standing etc. on dates?
Holding hands or grabbing arm?
Hi Chase,
On top of anon's question,
how do you smoothly initiate the touch on dates?
Let's say you either hold her hand or have her arm around your arm, how do you initiate it from the beginning of the date?
I was thinking of commanding her but that's not exactly smooth.
But just wrapping your arm around her arm or grabbing her hand could work too if it's "incidental".
Lawliet
Touch, Minus Hand-Holding
Anon-
Tons and tons of ways to touch besides holding hands.
Walking with her on the street, you can walk next to her and frequently brush up against her / bump into her. Just walk close enough to her and this happens naturally. So long as she likes you, she won’t try to “get away” from it either, and will do it herself as well.
Put your arm on the small of her back while crossing the street, or put your arm out in front of her to stop her if she’s about to step out on the street but a car is turning.
Touch her arm on high points. When it’s time to turn down another street, touch her to point this out, or even take her by the shoulders and physically turn her that direction.
For sitting, other forms of touch, on dates, etc., check out this article:
7 Ways to Touch a Girl + 3 Ways to Have HER Touch YOU
Lawliet, same goes for you on initiating and escalating touch – check out the article above.
Chase
Airport Game
Hi Chase,
Can you do an article on Aiport game? Such as how do I approach/connect with women who are traveling to/from, waiting at the airport lounge, waiting in line for security checks, etc....type of conversation to have and figuring out logistics of what is possible/not possible.
Thanks!!
Re: Airport Game
Magenta-
Sure, I can do that. I will put it in the article queue!
Would be a fun topic to right about, so good chance I have it up soon, too.
Chase
Hey chase need some help
Hi chase I've been reading your blog for a while, I was wondering if you have a chance to send me an email so I can explain my situation, I'm a healthy and good looking guy but
I just have trouble with girls, it's been this way for a couple of years now, if you have a chance please send me a mail
Gave it a try
It's hilarious.
Gave the handclasp a try whenever I meet new girls and we exchange names. They would automatically try to shake and then let go. Had girls who initiated hugs...do we push them away? ;)
Lawliet
Tension defuser
Oh and any other tension defusers beside hugging?
Preferrably tension defusing without hint of platonic (as hugs do)
Lawliet
Handshakers, Huggers, and Tension
Lawliet-
Girls trying to shake is a sign you’re either not going for the handclasp soon enough, are standing too far away (and it feels “formal”), or your vibe isn’t sufficiently romantic/sexual that they feel that confusion about how to proceed with you. Try out revising all three of those areas and see what happens.
And if they initiate hugs, don’t push away, just make a bit more sexual. She comes up and hugs you? Smell her: “You smell great,” or, “Your hair smells nice.” As she pulls away, stop her a half foot from you and look in her eyes and smile, then let her go. Etc.
As for defusing tension, hugging, high fiving, giving her a light shove, cracking jokes, all work to reduce the tension between you.
Chase
"You should know better"
Hey Chase,
I was teasing a girl and she told me, "You should know girls are like that. You're in psychology!"
What frame is this?
I suspect it being a challenge so I just gave her a bored look.
But then I thought of reframing
"Sigh you won't get it, there's a lot in the picture than you think"
with a little intrigue ;)
How would you respond?
Lawliet
Re: “You Should Know Better”
Lawliet-
Sounds like you commented in a way that made you seem ignorant about some common thing women do.
Assuming that's the case, she was just pointing out a slip you made, although she did it in a way that made you sound/seem romantically inexperienced.
When you get things like that, make a mental note not to make that slip in the future, and for firefighting purposes just give her a sly grin and say something akin to, "Well, I guess there's a lot I still have left to learn."
Chase
Not Caring
I respect everything you told me Chase.
I honestly would prefer her to stay home forever if it was OK with her, but I honestly feel she shouldn't be cooped up all of the time, and I honestly don't care to or have the time and energy to be a hawk over her or keep trying to make her stay home.
I want to know how I can get rid of this neediness feeling and not care?
How do I stop caring when I love this girl?
That's all I will ask for this situation.
How do I not be needy or care? What do I have to do?
Thanks
Full Circle
Sub-Zero-
We’ve come full circle.
You get rid of the neediness by absolute abundance.
You won’t get that while seeing exclusively this girl.
Because you’ve promised her exclusivity, there’s no moral way you reach absolute abundance while you’re with her.
Because you’re living in scarcity, you cannot bring yourself to separate with her to pursue absolute abundance.
Yet this same scarcity that keeps you in the relationship also keeps you fearful of what might happen if she goes outside – what if she meets someone else?
You’re the snake eating its own tail. There is no way to escape from your situation without escaping from your situation, but you won’t escape from your situation because you fear the escape.
There’s nothing else I can tell you. Break up with her and don’t have another relationship with a woman like her until you’re at absolute abundance. Or continue your relationship with her, but accept that you are not going to be at peace and will always have these nagging doubts so long as you remain with her. As I see it, those are your choices.
Chase
Warm gesture at the end of date
Hey Chase,
A lot of comments on touch, I think I'm setting records! :)
Hopefully you don't mind, last one here, I promise!
1. You mentioned warm gesture instead of the mysterious handclasp in the article.
Ones I'm thinking of is hugging but that's platonic.
Cheek greeting might be good, grabbing her hand (had a question above on initiating touch, do we just grab it or tell her "gimme your hand" in beginning of date), pulling her in, then cheek touch and a "see you soon" before walking away.
Any other warm gestures? :)
Help setting expectations too.
2. Additionally, case study
I was trying to get this girl standing closer, so I weaved it into a reason,
Me: "Oh, watch out for that garbage can"
I then wrapped my arm around hers and pulled her in.
Her: I can see the garbage can myself, thank you.
Taken aback by this cold response, I let go, then she walked an inch away, recreating that gap between us.
Hmm, how do you handle these touchy situations? Lame pun intended ;)
Thanks bro!
Lawliet
Handclasp
One more thing on top of touch.
I think you'll say "Just grab it". Grab her hand, do handclasp, rub thumb over her knuckles, then deliver a bygone.
Now, I wanted to do this, but a girl was standing too far for me to reach.
What would you do when a girl is standing too far for touch to be possible in general, or like in the beginning of the date and she walks up to you at the meeting point, but doesn't come close right away?
Lawliet
Spell shatters?
Hey Chase,
More feedback about handclasping :)
I got a little creative and thought, HEY! what if I combined handclasp with pulling her in?
Pushing it hard and see how far I can get!
I approached a girl with direct,
Me: I'm Lawliet (offers hand, palm up)
Her: I'm Cassey (gives me her hand)
Me: (clasps, rubs her knuckles)
Her: (Pulls her hand away)
Some will even say
Her: I have a boyfriend
Upon my opening.
Some are ok.
OR
Her: (Doesn't)
Me: (Pulls her in for a little push-pull)
Me: Now how did you get over here (purring sexy voice at near whisper tone)
Her: (Looks down but avoids contact) Hahaha (pushes away)
Me: so I heard about the news that Obama blah blah (fluff talk)
It's so adorable!
But Negative compliance
Lawliet
Finally do it
Chase I have been on here for 5 years and I have not done approaches as I have should. All of the approaches I have done were during night game and most of those would be me getting a dance from a girl. I never had the courage to do day game, I honestly don't know what to do , I really can't approach for some reason. I tried the newbie assignment, but saying hi is easy enough, but after that I just can't do it idk why, I have a limiting belief that I can't help successful with approaches because I'm black mostly surrounded by white people. I try to approach, I just can't for some reason, I can't explain, I move my feet forward, then I just..... can't. I doubt myself so much.
Right now I go to community college, how do I start picking up there?
I want to approach more, that's what I really want to do, I want to sleep with more women, I want to be successful. But approaching is hard for me to do, I read articles from all over the Internet, I made goals, I tried to do everything you said from your articles.
I just for some reason can't approach as much as I want and I can't approach during the day at all. I also get overwhelmed with trying not to mess up and all of that.
What I really want to do is approach more especially day game and I want to sleep with more girls, I want to get past hi.
What else can I do?
Thank you
Re: Finally Do It
Anon-
If you’ve tried everything you could and you simply don’t have the drive in yourself to take action, you’ll need to look outside yourself.
That means, get a wingman or hire a coach to work with you who will push you to approach. Sometimes, for some guys, that’s the only way to get going.
I did this myself as soon as I found out there were guys who coached in this – at the time I was doing maybe a couple of approaches a week, and I figured a coach could force me really into it and give me the momentum I needed. And it worked. With coaches I went out and did 10+ approaches a night several nights in a row, blew away what I thought was possible, and then after that I just kept going out alone and approaching at the same levels so as not to lose momentum.
The important thing if you DO get coaching is to look at it as a spark, and not a magic pill. You pay some other guy to start the engine running for you, but you then need to keep it running after that or else it’ll slip back into idle again.
You might have a tough time in a community college if it’s not a big school and you’re not near a large city. If that’s the case (if there’s only a small population of local students / residents), you’ll be better off improving your fundamentals and working on social circle game – and save cold approach for once you make it to a reasonable-sized town with enough opportunities you won’t be re-approaching the same 20 women again and again ;)
Chase
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