Mindsets

When a guy doesn’t do well with girls, usually he finds something to blame. But most of the time, what he blames is not the true culprit.

Everyone is an expert, as the saying goes. The less you know, the more you are convinced there’s nothing you don’t know. People will repeat non-stop how your success with the opposite sex is predetermined. I have too many friends who have been approaching women for years, still whining about things they cannot control instead of focusing on improving what they’ve got. It is ridiculous.

But it makes you wonder: how much is there for the average person to improve, given proper practice and incremental development?

Different men approach meeting girls from wildly different paradigms. What does your paradigm say about you – and how’s it impact your success?

The other day, commenting below Alek’s fourth installment on his series about meeting girls in gay bars, a reader named BMontana remarked:

“[A]s a man, I not only want to get laid but I also want a woman to chose me over other straight guys, it’s an ego thing I guess. Now I wouldn’t mind picking up a girl in a gay bar if I was 100% sure I would succeed but still knowing that I am one of the few non gay guys won’t give me the satisfaction that I would have gotten when picking up a woman in a regular bar.”

It’s an interesting girl-getting paradigm: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if the girl chooses me over other men.

At first I mistook BMontana’s paradigm for: I’m most satisfied with a pickup if I vanquish other men. But I realized that is yet another paradigm. BMontana wants to feel picked by the girl over other offers, rather than to defeat other men in a battle of skills, wit, or will.

What I’d like to do today is to explore the different potential paradigms a man may have when it comes to securing new women. Some of these paradigms are more helpful than others; however, I will not present them in order of effectiveness.

Instead, we’ll talk a bit about what makes a paradigm more or less effective, and then we’ll discuss the seven (7) paradigms a man may use. Note that your paradigm will tend to be your default; when you operate from a paradigm, it is how you normally interact with the opposite sex.

The paradigm you inhabit colors your dating world: how you think about women, you interpret the signs and signals they give you, and how successful (or not) you are, in various situations, with various women.

There are tons of great dating and self-improvement advice to turn yourself into a slick Casanova. But how many guys actually listen?

The inspiration for this article came from reading the Girls Chase forums, where I’ve noticed various flame wars initiated over the years by certain users who ask a detailed question about how to improve an aspect of their dating lives. The user then receives superb advice from fellow members who come with various levels of experience and angles... but the user doesn’t just ignore the angles presented, he flat-out rejects them.

Other concerned members step in and suggest that the user honestly consider the advice with an open mind – most importantly, to try it out before dismissing it.

In many cases, the advice has something to do with an obvious fundamental barrier that the asker is simply unwilling to explore. He thinks the issue isn’t important, or that it doesn’t apply to him, so he continues to ignore it, remains open only to the answers he came to hear, and eventually the discussion fizzles after everyone bails out of frustration.

Then, months later, the same forum user returns, asks the same question, and proceeds to reject the advice he is given – again. The cycle repeats.

Our friend remains in his bubble, static, unmoved, destined to repeat the same failures over and over again until he learns his lesson some other way – most likely the hard way – or never at all. That’s his choice. It's a conniving paradox. At his disposal is an invaluable resource – a group of like-minded men who will undoubtedly help him accelerate his goals. His inability to just shut up, open his mind, and trust the advice of experienced teachers and peers render his efforts practically futile.

It boggles the mind. How is a student able to judge good advice? How can a student know that a particular piece of advice is not at all applicable to him? How can someone who is seeking knowledge close his mind when multiple, experienced, well-intentioned peers are telling him the same thing?

Where you put your focus makes all the difference in how fast (or slow) you progress with dating. Should you booze, is it about the hours, and what should your focus be?

Guys keep asking me how to get good with the opposite sex – fast.

Your gut usually knows what the right thing to do on a date is. The challenge for many guys is learning to be in tune with that gut sense.

A few weeks ago, I found myself grabbing drinks with a girl I met on a dating app. She was pretty cute, a career girl through and through. While texting beforehand, she mentioned she had been working weekends and late nights, but she still made time to meet me on a Sunday evening after another 8-hour day in an 80-hour work week.

I arranged for her to meet me in my area at a lounge just a five-minute walk from my place.

I ran a great game over drinks. We were laughing and vibing at a high energy level the whole time; we talked about Fifty Shades of Grey and sex for a bit, I shared some adventurous stories, and we developed a passionate energy. Forty minutes into it, we got a second round of drinks and I started holding her hand. She was gripping back firmly, and we held hands periodically for twenty minutes. Effectively, she was complying and submitting, and I was firmly in control.

After an hour or so, I suggested we bounce and go grab a snack nearby. She agreed but also said she had to be at a friend’s house in an hour and a half; apparently there was some drama she wanted to clear up. We soon left the lounge holding hands and walking really close.

Tactics are majorly useful to your progress with girls… If you use them right. But use tactics in pursuit of the wrong strategy and you’ll hobble yourself.

I’m going to break slightly from Tactics Tuesdays tradition today to talk about how to learn tactics rather than give you a specific new tactic. To do this, I want to start with a particular hardcase example from our forums, a kissless 27-year-old virgin named Nexus.

Nexus wants to get better with girls... Yet his approach to dating makes this next to impossible. His chief problem is, as we'll identify today, a purely tactical approach to dating, rather than a strategic one.

We’ve discussed the difference between tactics and strategy before, in the context of relationship difficulties.

Today, we’ll talk about tactical vs. strategic learning as you seek to get dates, get kisses, and get laid.

Gay bars are wonderful places to meet girls. But more than this, they teach you about women’s true nature – and sexuality.

Reading Hector’s fantastic piece on why women like homoerotic men, I must say that I agree with his points. I found his theory on how bi-sexual and homoerotic men can come across as more dominant very interesting.

I am personally not that bi-curious. That said, I am very comfortable with physical contact; I don’t mind if a gay guy touches me, even on intimate areas. It is “just touching,” after all. Some women find homoerotism hot – but not all. However, every woman does find men who are comfortable with their sexuality hot. If a man is comfortable with a dude touching him, one can easily conclude that he is not only a very sexual guy, but also very confident.

It also displays that one does not have stuck-up beliefs related to sex and that one is most likely not homophobic (women find homophobia very unsexy). It conveys non-judgmental attitudes in regards to sex, which helps women allow themselves to open up sexually to you.

So I decided to write a follow up with my own thoughts on this topic. Since 2011, after doing a sociology assessment with a lesbian girl in senior high school regarding the gay-environment, I have not only been fascinated by gay clubs, but I have also become a regular in them. There are a few reasons for this:

• Many gay clubs have a better women/men ratio than straight clubs

• Hotter women

• More sexual vibe

• Less bullshit (less “bitchshield”) – women have their guards down

Based on all this, gay clubs can seem like a paradise... but there are some downsides, too:

• They can sometimes become sausage fests (for obvious reasons)

• Gay guys can be serious cockblocks – directly messing things up for you (especially if they are into you)

• Gay guys can oftentimes be ultra annoying – i.e., constantly popping up and wanting to drink/dance with your girl while you’re trying to seduce

• Gay clubs can be chaotic

• You never get “freebies” (as in ovulating horny girls); those usually go to places they are most likely to meet someone (not gay clubs) – in other words, in gay clubs, it is all about skills

• You need to pass the “are you gay” test all the time – and believe me, women will test you hard on this one

• You need to have a good response to the “why are you in a gay bar” question

But apart from all this, I find gay clubs interesting. The vibe is uniquely good and sexual in very intriguing way.

I can write many guides on meeting women in gay bars/clubs if so desired (let me know in the comments section).

I think it is pretty niche. However, there are valuable lessons I learned in gay bars that helped me tremendously in becoming better in all venues.