Mindsets

The most attractive thing to women is neither youth nor beauty. So why do so many guys think girls only want good-looking guys or young guys?

Okay, I want to talk about the “girls only date good-looking guys” or “girls only date young guys” thing. I have more intellectual articles against these positions and I’ll share them with you in a moment. But intellectual arguments aren’t always the best way to get the message across, especially when guys are deep in a certain viewpoint.

First let me share a comment from a reader of my “When Do You Get Too Old to Party or Meet Girls?” article from last week:

“Keep deluding yourself that youll be more attractive to women as you get older. I have never heard a younger woman say Kevin Spacy or Sean Connery was “hot.” Only older women. Women in the past had to settle down with older men because they didnt have the means of supporting themselves. Thats it. If she had the choice and the income theres no way she would choose him over a younger guy. Plus, do you think its right that older men had relationships and children with teenage girls? Its a pretty messed up system because a girl hasnt even lived her life, and you know if the girl could support herself theres no way she would go for that older man6. Girls go for older men because of convenience, not because of attraction.”

To which I responded with a screen grab of a bunch of young chicks swooning over Old Man Connery on Yahoo Answers, plus a picture of Sean having a merry laugh:

There are loads of men everywhere, including in the West, which is an environment more shifted in favor of younger men than anywhere else on Earth, who remain very attractive to younger women even into quite old age. And there are loads of men everywhere, including in the West, which is an environment more shifted in favor of good-looking men than anywhere else on Earth, who are very attractive to women despite plain or terrible faces. This is undeniable. The only way you can pretend these men don’t exist is if you plug your ears and shut your eyes and make loud noises to yourself every time one of these guys crosses your path.

But this willful blindness/ignorance guys engage in about this subject runs deeper than just “I don’t think that ever happens or if it does it must be super rare.” It’s actually about guys with zero or very little experience with women, who do not understand women, trying to tell men with lots of experience with women who understand women very well that actually those men have no idea what they are talking about and in fact women are actually some other way.

The guys who say stuff like this are never guys you would take woman advice from in the real world. From 30 feet away you can tell these guys don’t do well with girls and don’t understand them.

I’m not trying to pick on these guys. There are a lot of men who don’t understand women, and it’s always been that way historically. Women are hard to fathom. This entire website is dedicated to helping men who don’t understand women come to have a better understanding of them.

But when you get guys who do not understand women trying to talk about how they know women so well and that actually all these things that are commonplace things that happen with women are in fact impossible and never happen, you get this weird bizarro world perspective on dating emanating from certain corners of the male sectors of the Internet.

And we need to talk about that.

It’s good practice to chat up girls you aren’t much into. But what happens when your ego gets involved? You mustn’t let girls you don’t want affect you.

I had a bit of a breakthrough recently. It was almost childish that this was a lesson I hadn’t truly integrated into my psyche, though I’ve understood it conceptually for the longest time. Hell, it was a flaw that I had fixed in a few of my coaching clients, to their benefit, but I thought I had moved past it.

‘Tis the blinding power of pride. You think you know something because you understand it backwards and forwards, but it’s a very different thing to know something on the cellular level – to feel it.

What was this lesson?

Don’t game girls you don’t really like.

Seems simple enough, right? Duh.

But not so quick... let’s set some groundwork.

Do you wait for girls to approach you? It may be scary to approach women yourself, but waiting for them to ask first is a losing proposition.

One of the members of our forum has talked about his strategy of waiting for girls to meet him, and then spitting game at them. It doesn't seem to work well for him, since he is perpetually single and has been hung up on the same girl for over a year, hoping every time she breaks up with a boyfriend that maybe she'll pay more attention to him.

Nevertheless though, he's committed. He ignores all the advice from every other member on there and from me that he forget this girl and go meet new ones. This is his strategy, and he's decided to stick to it.

I don't think there are a lot of guys who are 100% into this strategy of “I've just got to wait for women to come meet me”, like Neal is. But there are guys who slip into this some or a lot of the time. So we should talk about it.

Because even while objectively this is about as effective as thinking, “I've just got to wait for the money to come to me,” or, “I've just got to wait until a Ferrari shows up in my driveway,” subjectively it can feel like a valid strategy at the time when you're thinking it.

But it's not a valid strategy. It's a terrible strategy.

Some men practice game for years and don’t improve. When you zoom in on why, it’s almost always because they don’t do their homework.

Here’s the truth. To improve your skills with getting women, you can go all out. You can “burn a bar to the ground” night after night, approaching every girl from 4 to 10 on the scale, but if you have no direction, you will inevitably end up spinning your wheels.

And I’m surprised that I so rarely see anyone take the time to sit down and really look at things with a logical eye. Well, in this article, I am going to reveal how I myself have reached an elite level by doing what every young kid hates – homework.

I have friends who have not seen much progress despite their interest and having shared my journey from my beginning to where I am now. They still do the same openers, the same half-assed, timid approaches. Yet they keep asking me what’s wrong with them and why nothing is changing.

Their issue isn’t simply that they haven’t learned from their failures, it’s that they don’t recognize their failures. Sometimes, it’s nearly impossible to identify what is causing our own failures. It’s the same for us all; everyone has essential things they don’t know they don’t know. It can be difficult to connect a reaction or rejection with something you did wrong, even over several approaches. So how can one find the puzzle pieces that are missing?

It’s been a few months, but we’re back again with a new podcast, this time with the insightful and harmonic Daka Guy, of New York City. Daka Guy is a tantra instructor – which is another way to say women pay him to teach them sex. He’s one of the most spiritually and sexually balanced individuals I know, and I have personally attended his classes and been transformed by them.

If you want to do something, but you never take action do it... what is that? It’s a case where you have the interest – but lack the desire.

A friend who has been consulting with me about the dating world visited me recently for a weekend – and brought some interesting stories to share. He graduated from college last year and moved to a new city, landing a prestigious job at a highly respected global firm with a six-figure starting pay and great benefits (right out of school!). Basically, he fulfilled the career dream he had since before college, and now he lives in a beautiful new apartment in a great part of town, with lots of space and lots of money.

Regarding this side of his life, he’s completely fulfilled – well, sort of. He likes his life on paper, but after actually speaking to him about the details, I discovered he feels immersed in soul-killing consumerism. He liked my tiny, modest apartment with its very human and soulful feel. Before leaving, he said my vibe had rubbed off on him – he felt sweeter and more relaxed.

Yet on the dating field, he hasn’t gone on a single date since moving to his new city. He has been following Girls Chase for almost two years and has since improved on his vibe and does cold approach occasionally. However, he has yet to ask out a girl in his new town. He tells me that he’s waiting to become more fit (he goes to the gym regularly and is still looking for new clothes) to present himself better. He’s also working on his fundamentals and is pursuing new hobbies and meet-ups where he might meet women. He also laments that there are no women in his area he really has a desire for. In other words, he doesn’t find them attractive, so they’re not even worth approaching or pursuing.

I will note that he did enjoy the look of women in my area – so location is a factor indeed!

He wanted to know what he could do to start dating women, and I told him that right now, there’s nothing he can really do, because no matter what I tell him, he’s not actually going to do it. How did I deduce this? I told him that in this moment in his life, he doesn’t want to date or learn to be with women badly enough; his focus is still on building his career, not learning to attract women.

In fact, his desire, as it was during college, remains in climbing his career and making lots of money – a big factor in his choice of city – while he merely has an interest in learning about women and dating. I told him nothing would happen for him until he actually held a real desire to be with a woman; for now, a sufficient desire doesn’t exist in him. I told him he’s waiting for a “perfect moment” that will never actually arrive.

What he actually needs to do to make any progress is to get the ball rolling, but his desire to grow career-wise suffocates that process.

I wanted to break down why things were the way they were for him, and thus came about the topic of this article. It’s a little abstract but very useful in deducing people’s intentions.

One of the great life lessons I am getting ever more acquainted with is that what people say they want or like, and what they actually, truly want – and what they actually do – are often very different things. This is what we’re going to talk about today: why these inconsistencies exist and how they show up.

If you’re not willing to date certain girls, does that mean you’re insecure? Well, perhaps… But only if “insecure” doesn’t mean what your accuser means it means.

There’s a common refrain you’ll hear from women. Not just women, but men sometimes too. The refrain goes like this:

“You don’t want to date her because you’re insecure.”

There are some women this is obviously pure self-serving commentary from. Morbidly obese women, for instance. If a morbidly obese woman tells you you’re insecure if you don’t want to date her, well, you know that’s a tub of baloney (and maybe a tub of lard, too).

This article isn’t about those women. Not the obviously undesirable girls who’d claim your rejection of them stems from insecurity.

Instead, this article is about the fuzzy cases: girls with high notch counts, girls who’ve dated far wealthier or handsomer men than you, girls who’ve dated criminals. Heck, girls who’ve dated men of ‘badder’ races than you are (a white guy if you’re Asian, or a black guy if you’re white, for instance), or girls who used to be guys (transsexuals), or girls who tell you they’ve been rape victims or abuse victims.

Are you, in fact, insecure if you don’t want to date one of these people?