Tactics Tuesdays

Some years back, as I played around with cold reading, I soon found it often wasn't to my advantage to label people. I'd try; coming up with all kinds of cutesy labels like, "Ah, so you're an adventurer," or, "You're a pretty ambitious person, then." These were seemingly positive labels, but often the women I used them with would reject them. "No, not really," they'd say. It was odd.

I began to realize there was power in labeling. When you label someone, you are, in effect, telling them who or what they are. You're setting yourself up in the position of deciding someone else's identity.

That gives you great power if you can pull it off. It also gives you great responsibility toward the people you label.

But it also opens you up to being knocked down a peg or two, the same way we discussed combating people trying to "tool" you or make you look silly or weak in "Dealing with Disruptive Men;" basically, by politely but firmly shutting this down.

As I began to explore labels more, I gradually got better at using them correctly with other people - and shutting down the efforts of people who sought to use them in a damaging way with me.

Commenting on the post on building social status, a reader asks the following about how to be a warm person:

“Hi Chase, great site, great article. Could you discuss more about warmth? You discuss it quite often, but you could dive into this topic more in-depth? It's a powerful tool to use in all aspects of life, so your breakdown of this would be much appreciated!

Thanks”

Happy to oblige, Anonymous.

Back in 2001, a young female customer walked back into the tire store where I worked as a technician and salesman to complete a transaction she'd begun the day before with me. I wasn't there, so another salesman helped her. "That guy who helped me yesterday was nice," she told him, referring to me, "but I felt like he had bad intentions."

When this salesman told me she'd said this, I was surprised; I knew I'd adopted an edge over the past few years - it had been designed specifically to make sure no one would want to fight me, since I was always alone and frequently in dangerous situations. But I didn't think it was actually scaring off women.

I went to work trying to change it, but even a year later, friends on my college dorm room floor told me, "The girls on the 7th floor said, 'That kid with the red hair is scary.'"

When I heard this, the first thing I thought was, "All right. I've adjusted my face for men - to be intimidating and frightening - long enough. It's time I adapt myself for women instead."

Within a few years, I was regularly hearing things like the following:

"I only just met Chase, but I felt like we'd been friends for ages."

"It's so great hanging out with you; I feel like I can tell you anything."

"Spending time talking to you makes me feel like I can breathe."

How I figured out how to be a warm person and how I made the switch to that from "scary and intimidating" is what I'll detail in this post.

In the comments section under the post on "Get Girls in Bed," a reader writes in asking about dance floor game:

“Hey Chase,

Been reading your blog for the past couple of months now, and I think there's less than 10 articles to go until I have read everything on your website.

Awesome stuff to say the least, I feel like I've hit a goldmine after reading your pieces.

From your writings I can see you are not the biggest fan of seducing women in clubs since it's loud and not conducive to many aspects of seduction. However, I keep seeing guys who do pretty well in clubs. Can you write a piece on gaming in clubs? Particularly what to do on the dance floor when conversation isn't really an option?

Thank you.

Best regards,

A”

In fact, as I commented in my response to A, I do like nightclubs for meeting women - I've hands down spent more time honing my abilities with women in them and have met more women at bars and nightclubs than anywhere else - but I find them to be some of the most difficult places to do well with women for most guys, the environments in them are the most stacked against a man you'll see, and they're among the worst places to look for girlfriend-quality women you can go to... so I tend to recommend against them for guys when giving advice.

But, for straight training purposes, for coating your skin with a layer of steel and developing rock-solid frame control, and for quick pick ups once you've got your vibe and your process down right, clubs are hard to beat.

A's question is one of the first one's that come to mind when you start thinking about nightclubs though, and it's one we haven't discussed in any detail on this site yet: what do you do about dance floor game?

If you've been reading this site a while, I'm sure you've seen me recommend again and again that you move girls to get them committed to the interaction with you.

You might have wondered exactly what that meant though, or exactly how to do it.

It's a surprisingly simple piece of advice - "move girls" - but it makes a huge difference in how your interactions go. In fact, it's hands down my favorite exercise to do with coaching clients. Typically we go out, work on a little basic opening, some initial conversation, and then, the meat - I tell a guy, "All right, next, I want you to start moving these girls."

I've seen this called "isolation" in some places, "extraction" in others. It's been given lots of longwinded technical explanations, like you need to move women in order to get them away from their friends, who'll interfere... or something like that.

This is not so. Friends don't make much of a difference. What DOES make a difference is getting girls to commit to talking with you - and following your lead.

And that's necessary for a couple of different reasons.

A reader writes in, on the topic of emotional validation:

“Hey there, been reading the site lately and I've noticed that one thing I haven't seen so far is a post about validation. Maybe you call it something different but I was talking to a female friend of mine and she brought something up that seemed similar to it.

I was telling her about how I and my pops were watching a Laker game and my mom kept bringing up how "she needs to get her work done." It was starting to irritate me because she would say it and then leave it up in the air.

After a while I barked back "well go do it then." I knew instinctively that wasn't the best thing to say but I really wanted her to quit with the empty statements lol!

So, after the game ended I talked to her about it and she was telling me how I could have said "I know you gotta get your work done but how about you relax with us and watch the game and then go start on the work afterwards?"

Now as soon as I heard her say that I immediately thought validation. I'm validating that thought or feeling by giving that response. While my response of "go do it" sounds like I'm rejecting her.

So I was wondering if you all could drop a post on validation. Once I realized this whole idea of validating a woman it gave me that "aha" moment, really started to put a lot of my failed interactions into a new light, you know? It also helped me to understand the whole chase framing, push-pull, etc. concepts because by validating her all of that stuff is much easier to pull off. Because she knows that you’re setting a frame but your pulling her along with you. Instead of making it seem like its her frame against yours like many other PUA’s seem to advocate.”

Our reader raises a good point here.

Validation is something I tend not to focus on much personally - it's something that fast becomes irrelevant when you're following the rule of thumb of always escalate and keep moving fast. But it's a real phenomenon, and it will affect your interactions with women - though, if you're doing things right, it should prove more a curiosity than a major distraction.

Here's what I mean.

Tell me if you've heard this one.

There's a decade-old approach toward women and dating called cocky and funny. It's frequently prescribed as a cure-all for men struggling to do better with women; throw a little cocky and funny at a girl, and she'll turn to putty in your hands. And if she doesn't melt on the first application, just rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

If you're not familiar with cocky funny, it looks something like this:

Guy: Wow, are those sunglasses or are you expecting a flash bomb to go off?

Girl: [laughs] They're not that big.

Guy: I'm pretty sure I could use those to keep my car cooled off on a hot summer's day.

or

Guy: [inspecting shopping cart] From the looks of it, you're not exactly following the Jenny Craig diet.

Girl: [laughs] I like to indulge myself.

Guy: It looks more like you like indulging your entire family.

Girl: [laughs] Well, I have to be well stocked, just in case!

Guy: In case a charming knave like myself comes a-calling, right?

Girl: That's right.

Guy: Well, how timely you chose today as the day to start getting ready for me, then.

As it turns out, cocky and funny is an effective technique - when it's used appropriately. Misapplied, however, it can, in fact, end up being disastrous.

What I want to talk with you about today is finding the right balance for using cocky-funny type humor in your own interactions with women... and how you can use it to your advantage - rather than to your detriment.

These are questions millions of men scratch their head over every day… should you touch her on the date, and if so, how much?

Will she think you’re creepy if you touch her too much… and how much IS too much?

Will she think you’re a shy wimp if you don’t touch her enough… and how much IS enough?

Let’s have a look at what science has to say on how to touch women… what happens to a woman physiologically when you touch her, what kinds of hormones get released and how does this affect the way she will FEEL about YOU?