Do you ignore signs of interest from girls or get too nervous to
approach? You may want to spend 5 minutes to rehearse approaches and
scenarios in your mind.
If you’ve ever gone out to chat up new women and had approach anxiety hit, you know
how much it sucked. You wanted to talk to girls, hoped to talk to
girls, tried to talk to girls... then couldn’t.
You walked up next to a girl with the long black hair and the tight
jeans on the street corner as she waited for the light to change.
You said nothing.
You took a seat in a café next to a girl with medium-length blonde
hair and big googly glasses. She glanced at you a few times, and you
tried to summon your nerve. Yet your nerve went unsummoned, and you and
her never spoke.
That night you went out with your buddies to the lounge, and this
one girl in a sequined dance danced over right near you. You could tell
she wanted to meet you. You tried to get yourself to say hi, but you
didn’t say anything.
It might be you just weren’t socially warmed up. You lack social momentum, and needed to
do some warm-ups – but you hadn’t done
them yet.
You wish you could just spring into action the moment you saw a girl.
Is there a way you could?
Perhaps there is. Next time you go out, try to rehearse your approaches first.
Everyone out there is trying to influence you. How susceptible
are you to that influence – and how susceptible are those around you?
I wanted to write a quick post (that turned out not to be so quick)
on resistance and susceptibility to
influence. This article is something of a cousin piece to my piece on grouping and herding in dating
from last week.
The subject of this article - resistance and susceptibility to
influence- goes for you and the people around you. Your friends, your
family, your workmates, your lovers, partners, and dates.
Everyone is susceptible to the influence of other people and forces.
The degree of susceptibility varies from person to person, and
situation to situation. Some people are more easily influenced than
others. Some situations make it easier to influence people than
others. Most people are only marginally aware (at best) of their
influencability.
If you are susceptible to influence but do not realize it, other
people can step into your mind and make you think things and believe
things you might not really want to think or believe. This can lead you
to taking actions you might previously not have agreed with. Sometimes
this turns out to be beneficial; sometimes not really.
For an example of the beneficial sort, I had a friend in university
who influenced me to
apply for an internship with Nike and pick up a minor in supply chain.
Until this friend, I did not care about getting a job after school, was
doing the minimum necessary to get through school, and disdained the
idea of internships. Yet because of this friend, who'd had an
impressive co-op run building a new supply chain process at Tyco, I
grew excited about getting a
good job and doing better in school. I didn't get the internship, but
came in second in a pool of 200 candidates and got some very valuable
feedback from the interviewer which played a key role in me getting the
job I did get, a year later.
I got more a lot more focused on school and got straight As again the
next semester, for the first time in years. And I got my dream job on
the first try - I zeroed in on them and the job fair and blew their
socks off in my interview. Had that friend not influenced me, none of
that would've happened.
Years later, I was in a startup where one of my business partners
influenced me to open up the purse strings more than I thought was
wise, against my instincts and all the reading I'd done on
startups spending all their money too quick being one of the #1 reasons
they go under. He influenced me to do a number of other things more
in-tune with how he thought we should do things and less in tune with
how I thought we should. We ran out of money and I had to close the
business and lay everyone off. The partner who'd influenced me to spend
more managed to negotiate the rights to the business away from myself
and the other partner (despite having joined the startup much later,
and having taken far more capital out of it than he'd put into it),
then sold those
rights to another group of founders. The business is now a successful
venture-backed business doing everything I originally wanted to do, and
would've had it do... had we not run out of funds so quick.
I don't regret the experience (I enjoy Girls Chase much more as a
business; and
I received a lifetime of invaluable lessons in negotiation, predatory
partnerships, and sticking to your guns - plus a
healthy dose of business confidence after I found I'd been right
all along), but the outcome was a direct result of that business
partner influencing me to act in ways contrary to how I'd have acted on
my own.
Every human being is susceptible to
the influence of other human beings. There are no exceptions to
this. Locate the strongest, most resolute human being in the world, and
I guarantee you we can find a way to make him crack with enough time,
and the right people, in the right situation.
The question we want to look at today though is how susceptible vs. resistant are you and
those around you?
“Your
article stings and hurts [f]or one reason...which is #8 on this list
[don't have any interests or passions]. That's me. That's the reason
I'm a mid-30s virgin and am too scared to try any relationships with
women. I have a well paying job, own my house, have good relationships
with my parents, and behave the way in my "nice guy" mind an attractive
guy should be. But I have no passion. I hate and avoid competitive
things, because I feel so bad about myself when I fail. I never played
sports as a kid for that reason. I'm sort of a wuss, really. #8 is
KILLING me. Girls I like have passions. Guys they are with have
passions. Why should they like a wuss like me who avoids passionate
things? At least it makes sense to me. I even have a girls number and
I'm too afraid to call her for fear of exposing my wuss, passionless
self. That and the fact that I don't socialize with any friends...don't
really have any at that. I realized long ago I had no hobbies other
than masturbating, and so I started taking up guitar. But even that's
wuss because that's not competitive. At least not the way I play. I'm
lost and I don't know how to get around this, no matter what I read. I
need specific help.”
We've had a lot of guys ask the "How to be passionate?" question
over the years. Most of the advice out there is ephemeral - you've got to search for what you're
passionate about! they tell you. Makes for a nice sound bite,
and
while it is true, it is also
pretty useless, as far as
advice goes.
We're going to nail it down for you today, and give you some
practical tips you can use to immediately get the 'passion' area of
your life handled.
Because, well, everything's better with passion. Until you reach the
point where everything's better with Zen... however, that's a
discussion for another day.
Today, let's put the magnifying glass on passion, and see how to add
it into your life even when it seems like it isn't there.
“You shouldn’t do this” – there’s no better way to get someone to
do it than to tell her not to. Here’s how to use reverse psychology in
dating and relationships.
In a comment on my article last week about orgasm anchoring, a reader named
Edgy asks:
“Hey Chase! Any
perspectives on how reverse psychology ties in with seduction?”
(aside: apologies for my delays on responding to comments, by the
way.
We’re doing a reshoot of several of the One Date lessons in May +
shooting a bunch of other stuff, and all the logistical, writing, and
managing prep for that has left me even less time than usual. I will
get to comments, though!)
The gist of reverse psychology is that you advocate for the opposite
of what you want someone to think, feel, or do. “Do not push!” written
on a button, for instance – you can’t help but want to push that
button, just to see what happens.
In terms of dating and relationships, that might mean you tell your
date or girlfriend to do the opposite of what you in fact wish her to
do. Or it might mean you act like you support the position opposite the
one you hope she herself will choose.
Before you think this is some passive-aggressive way to get your
way, think again. It’s a quite powerful psychological device – and you
can use it in a variety of ways.
Despite our language and identities, people move in herds. You
have three (3) tools to get the girl you want from her tribe:
integration, separation, and absorption.
We think of ourselves as individuals. Separate, unique, we act
entirely of our own volition.
Yet man is a herd animal. Cram him into a wall-to-wall,
shoulder-to-shoulder crowded concert or train station, then spook the
herd, and you kick off a stampede. People may die, crush others, or
trample, as throngs of panicked individuals, each catching the sense
of panic from the next, surge over and against each other for the
exits. In the aftermath of some deadly stampedes, investigators
can find no emergency and cannot even figure out what caused the panic.
Show a man a market craze that everyone is getting in on and watch
him
lose his mind. In China, peer-to-peer lending has exploded as the
economy has declined, even though defaults on these loans are sky high
and the prospect of getting a return is dim. A few months earlier in
the West, a Bitcoin craze thundered across the market. It was
unrelated to any improvement in the usability or acceptance of Bitcoin
as a currency – in fact, over the past several years, Bitcoin has only
grown worse as a currency.
100% of Bitcoin’s increased valuation
was due to market speculators buying up Bitcoin to cash in on the
craze.
Yet during Bitcoin fever, everyone was an optimist, telling friends,
family members, and coworkers to “buy, buy, buy!” Today, five months
after the crush began, the price of
Bitcoin has come very close to where it was before the stampede ever
began;
in the process, thousands of people made fortunes, and thousands of
others lost them (I personally know a few folks on both sides). Every
bit of those gains and losses came at the expense or benefit of someone
else gambling the other way.
(side note: fun dub of a Russian music video a friend of mine who
was heavily invested in Bitcoin shared with me during the peak of the
Bitcoin craze):
These, of course, are extreme scenarios.
And much of the time, even for people aware of human herd mentality,
the concept gets peacefully tucked away into a kind of “only in
extremes”
awareness. Only in extreme situations, we tell ourselves, do humans
behave in mindless, herd-like
ways. The rest of the time, we are those unique, separate, totally
consciously in-control individuals
we tell ourselves we truly are.
However, this isn’t how it works at all. Man, as a social animal, is
every bit as groupish as ants, horses, biofilms, and wildebeest. More
to the point for our purposes, if you want
to peel a woman out of her group, or get her to do what you
wish in public, an understanding of how grouping and herding works in
the people you’d like to influence is key.
You can train a woman to do and enjoy something – or to cut that
something out – with a simple (but mighty) operant conditioning tactic
called “orgasm anchoring.”
Have you got something you’d like a girl to do, but she isn’t that
excited about? Anchor it with orgasms!
Or maybe there’s something she does, and you’d like her to cut it
out? Anchor it with orgasms!
This article presumes you’re adept at making women climax from
sexual intercourse already.
And ideally, that you’re able to string together multiple vaginal
orgasms in
her. If you’re not yet, or you’ve got a girl who’s sexually closed off
and hasn’t learned to cum yet (or to cum easily / multiple times in a
row), give these two articles a gander:
Also, you should probably have a decent grasp of how anchoring
works. I’ll give you a quick overview, but I suggest you check out my
full article on it here:
What do you do when you get a girl who will let you touch her and
cuddle with her, but not touch her breasts, buttocks, or crotch? You
touch her other places... in sexy ways.
You’ve got a girl back at your place, making out with you, yet she’s
resistant to sex. “We shouldn’t do this,” she tells you. “I have to get
going.” Et cetera.
You’ve heard it all before.
Do you want to plow ahead? Just keep trying? That can work. You
won’t always have the drive for it though.
Here’s the deal: so long as she’s there, spending time with you in
an intimate situation, you are still able to touch her and do things to
turn her on, even if she yanks your hand off her crotch or won’t let
you get her shirt off. There are more things you can do, and they seem
harmless enough she will let you do them. And as you do them, she’ll
get more and more turned on – and after you’ve done them for a while,
those shirts, bras, pants, and panties come flying off.
If she likes you, but opts not to hook up with you, what does it
mean? Why, it means you’ve failed her Chad test – and now she’ll make
you wait.
You’re back alone at your place with a girl. What you know about
her: she’s adventurous, independent, and, by all indications, probably
has been with her fair share of men. Perhaps she’s shared some of her
old war stories with you: guys she’s been with,
wild hookups she has had, sordid escapades gone by.
For some reason, it feels slightly off. You feel like she likes you,
it’s just... her walls are up.
You decide to go for it anyway. She’s near you on the couch, with
her body turned slightly away from yours. Her arms are folded,
her expression slightly tensed. “Come here, you’re so far away,” you
tell her. She scoots a little closer, but she doesn’t seem excited to
do it. You put your hand on her chin to turn her face toward yours. She
stops you.
“I don’t feel ready for that yet,” she says. You feel let
down.
After all that talk about all her crazy past hookups... and now she
“isn’t ready?”
“I should probably go,” she tells you. You figure she’s
blowing you
off. And to be honest, you’re not really feeling it yourself either.
Her defensiveness has killed any interest in her you had earlier. You
walk her to the door. “I had fun,” she says. “We should hang out again
soon.” You grunt a response and let her go.
Two weeks later – you haven’t bothered to message her – she texts
you, asking what you’re up to and why she hasn’t heard from you. It
seems so weird... this girl resisted intimacy when you brought her
back, but she still wants to meet up anyway. Why? For what?
Slowly it starts to dawn on you: she
likes you... just not enough to make you one of the men she gives it up
too fast.
The relaxed bar opener lets you meet girls in a bar in a relaxed,
natural, sociable way. All you need to do it is a cool wingman, and
halfway decent fundamentals.
Much of what we talk about when it comes to cold approach centers on
walking up to new women solo and delivering an opener. Often we discuss
going out alone to meet girls.
Or we might talk about rolling with a wingman, yet treat it as
little different from rolling solo; just two guys roving the streets,
bars, or parties on the prowl, and when one guy sees a girl he likes
the looks of, he goes in.
Today’s article is about a more relaxed approach you can take while
out with a wingman in a social venue (bars, parties, nightclubs), that
makes it easy for you to meet new girls in a laid back, low pressure
way,
without looking like the ‘guy on a mission’ who goes around and chats
up every available girl.
If you’re new to approaching and want an easy way for you and a
friend to transition into chatting up new women, this is a prime
candidate for that. Or even if you’re an old hand and simply prefer a
more relaxed evening on the town, this approach serves nicely.
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